Is this a normal amount of grumpiness for a sleep deprived dad

[mariaerr]

We’ve got a DD, 2. Married for 2.5 years, together for almost 10. Would like to add that pre marriage he was completely different, never grumpy, then when we got married it’s like a switch flipped. He’s become more argumentative and grumpier after marriage but perhaps that’s a symptom of tiredness that comes with having a baby. However last few weeks he’s been grumpy on another level.

For context. Currently TTC baby no2 and not been successful for just over 6mo. Initially his sperm motility and morphology weren’t great but after a few months of supplements, huge reduction in his drinking (this is his achievement because most of his drinks were in a pub after work and now he just skips the pub and comes home) and changing our diet (ie I started to cook fresh meals, always full of veggies, mostly chicken, fish and seafood, no red meat) his sperm analysis came back normal. Still not been successful and it’s been close to 6mo of normal semen analyses.

At the moment he nags me for everything. For sending him to work with too much fruit, for meals being too full of vegetables, for the fact that I’ve developed a cough which prevents him from sleeping well, for asking if he plans to drink when he sees his (normally quite boozy) mates for a meal this weekend, for scrunching a water bottle wrong before putting it in the bin. Most things I say or do are met with an eye roll.

I don’t know where to go from here. Not cooking his meals? He’ll just order junk on deliveroo and be happy with it, whilst I feel sad and desperate for our no2.

I don’t think I want to leave (bar the last few weeks we do have a good time together, financial reasons, he’s a good dad, I may run out of time to have a no2 if I leave and having children is everything to me). From what I can tell he doesn’t want to split either.

@mariaerr do you want a baby or do you want his baby?

Also, how long have you been TTC? It took me and my H 7 years to have our first, years if trying and years of treatment. We wouldn't have made it through the stress, heartache, loss ect under such a ridged lifestyle.

Don't get me wrong I'm not saying don't do everything your doing. Your doing a great job. I'm just saying have a cheat night once a week, get a takeaway, don't get bladdered but have a glass of wine or a beer. There's no point in getting a baby and getting a divorce because TTC ruined your relationship. Have a bit of fun with each other and relax.

Also, If your doing ovulation sticks maybe don't tell him your in your fertile window. It honestly ruined sex for us. No one wants to feel like a performing monkey.

He can complain but surely not complaining about the child in front of his child, aged 2?!

Read this back to yourself?

At the moment he nags me for everything. For sending him to work with too much fruit, for meals being too full of vegetables, for the fact that I’ve developed a cough which prevents him from sleeping well, for asking if he plans to drink when he sees his (normally quite boozy) mates for a meal this weekend, for scrunching a water bottle wrong before putting it in the bin. Most things I say or do are met with an eye roll.

I expect he feels you just want him for a baby and you care more about that than him.

If a man was doing and saying the things you're saying to him, it would be perceived as exceptionally controlling.

Like cooking every day for his wife and packing her a healthy lunch?

Having another child is your top priority and it seems that that's causing you to be quite obsessive (very common ttc behaviour) and in turn, very controlling.

A controlling partner, teamed with sleep deprivation and having a young child, and the stress of tcc, is bound to cause some issues like this.

Try to find a bit more of a balance.

How often has he been off with your toddler in the night? Because I have been sharp with mine when tired and I’m woken up in the night. If it’s a regular thing it’s not ok but less then a handful then I’d let it slide.

Are you guys both getting enough sleep? I’m rattier when I haven’t and two of those things you mention are about interrupted sleep.

I think it's more about taking the choice away from him.

For him to have gone along with this for 6 months is good and I'm sorry you haven't conceived yet. It is a stressful time.

I think he probably feels everything he does is policed by you, especially asking him if he's drinking with his mates.

If I were you I'd try to come to more of a compromise than 2 glasses of wine and one glass of champagne in 6 months. Stress can inhibit conception (which I know is stressful in itself) so if it's not working currently with all the changes you've made, maybe try something new.

Our daughter wakes up 1-3 times per night, I get up with her and if I'm very sleep deprived and tired or if she's really insisting I could bring her into our bed. He doesn't get up with her at all but obviously it might wake him up if she cries in our bed or if the baby monitor goes off and i get up

@mariaerr don't be ridiculous. Stop justifying it to yourself and look what other people are saying too.

You're way over the top controlling what he eats, drinks and does because YOU want a baby. Poor guy.

@mariaerr Like cooking every day for his wife and packing her a healthy lunch?
By dictating EVERYTHING

You sound like a man buying body revealing designer clothes for his wife and refusing to let her waleae anything she wants and saying 'what? Controlling? But I spend a fortune on designer clothes for her. Most women would love that'

You are controlling everything. Poor bloke. He needs some autonomy. I am thinking as you came on here concerned about his grumpiness that you wanted some advice.

Ease off. You might get a child but you could very well ruin your marriage the way you are going.

@Lammveg he's had more than that in 6mo. Those are just 2 recent examples. I'd say he has 5 drinks per month?

I appreciate you want another baby but it sounds incredibly stifling. I wouldn’t want to be told how much alcohol I could drink, having to “agree” to stick to two glasses of wine for a big birthday celebration, being grilled on whether I was going to drink when meeting up with friends. Then no doubt getting a sad face response if the answer is yes.

I think most people would be grumpy living their life under a microscope like that. I think if you back off a bit you’ll probably find that your husband is far less tetchy.

@mariaerr it's REALLY not about you lovingly cooking healthy food for him is it. You're doing it to control him for your own gain.

You'll drive him away OP. Wake up.

I have 5 drinks a night. Back off, stop making his life shit.

So to answer your question. It's the expected level of grumpiness from a man who feels like his autonomy has been removed and he is being told what he can and can't do, drink, eat all day and every day. The man is going to be a whole lot worse than grumpy soon.

Exactly this. Wake up and smell the coffee OP.

Oh he should definitely be sharing the night wakings with you though, that’s not on that he never sees to your child in the night!!

I'm not sure if you're for real.

It's embarrassing, how controlling you sound.

Stop controlling what he eats and drinks. Entirely. Let him make his own choices, without judgement from you.

It's that simple.

At this rate you may or may not end up with baby no.2 but it's going to cost you your DH either way. YOU need to change.

So he's having all his food prepped and measured for him. Even events where alcohol is present like birthdays or meetups with friends are monitored.
Wow, you're being overbearing and controlling.

As for your child just let her in bed with you fgs.

Then you wonder why he's grumpy.

Christ it gets worse and the depressing thing is you can't see how shit this is for him.
As I said previously, take time out and give him a break from this shit. He isn't living purely to provide you with healthy sperm.

And adding another child to this mix is a good idea why?

If you can afford it - even if it’s a stretch - do IVF. He just needs impeccable sperm for one day, you then get to micromanage the whole process for a year. This helped me relax a lot - sex isn’t about ovulation windows, he can eat what he wants. I would also suggest doing some sleep training - everyone including your daughter will be happier with full nights of sleep.