To be so annoyed with a friend and pull her up on her contradictions?

[pussinboots61]

How do you deal with awkward friends? I have a friend who makes issues every time we make arrangements.

The latest thing is that a group of us are arranging to go for a meal in March. My friend and her friend who comes along are insisting on the meal being early because they don’t want to be out after dark.

Initially, my other friend who is booking the meal thought the meal we are going for, which is an afternoon tea, would only be served from 3.00 pm and the awkward one was saying that’s no good as she and her friend have to be home before dark. My other friend enquired and the meal is now served all day so its booked for 1.30 pm which suits everyone.

However, what annoys me is that the awkward friend was prepared to spoil it for everyone and make it all about her again. But to cap it all, she sent me a text this morning to tell me that she and her friend are going to the theatre tonight, hence they will be out after dark.

Is it better to ignore this contradiction or pick her up on it? It’s really getting on my nerves now.

Hmm... interesting!
It seems to me that she just wants to have control over the outing, and enjoys others changing plans for her.
I'd be annoyed too, don't let her get away with that in future.

She just wants to call the shots & decide when & where you all go.

I was friends with someone like this & she always wanted to dictate what we did to suit herself.

I think you should just avoid arrangements with her. She won't suddenly become chilled out & go with the flow.

Maybe she has the offer of a list home on theatre night but not on tea night

Could it be a religious thing? Is she Jewish?

Many older people do (just assuming she is an older person).

I’m an older person - now. I wasn’t always. I’ve never been comfortable driving at night - I lose all depth perception. Some people call it night blindness. Others call it astigmatism.
Personally, I call it using good judgment knowing better than to put myself in a situation where I’m not in full control, particularly when I’m behind the wheel of a car.

😆👏🏻👍🏻

Another 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻🤣

Fuck that. I’d be getting the other mate to move the afternoon tea back to 3pm.

From her reply about not bothering about a meal… it sounds like she was probably hoping to get out of going altogether. Dark was excuse. If she can (in her words) be bothered with theatre in town but not a meal, as they’re usually overpriced, it sounds like the time is actually irrelevant as she does not want to go - or she will lay down the rules to ensure she’s having to be put out less if she must be dragged out. Quite happy to mess other people’s plans to make the point that she’d rather not be there and disapproves of the expenditure in that type of venue. I’d tell her in that case it’s probably better if she misses this outing as it’s clear she’d rather not go. She’d probably pull out last minute with a crap excuse anyway, then you really would be mad.

What an entitled bugger to be annoyed at being invited out for a nice meet-up by friends.

Enjoy yourselves without her OP ☕️🍰

This. With bells on. But then I'm like that.

Aww this sounds like me

It sounds as if she just makes effort for some things and not for others. The meal with you isn't something she was prepared to make effort for, but the theatre trip was. It isn't very nice, but up to her really.

I have a little group of friends who all live in London. I used to make huge amounts of effort to see them as I had moved out to the suburbs, so my 'fault' I wasn't around.

I got bored of making all the effort after one of them had insisted meeting right next to her house, in a not well connected or particularly nice area of South London instead of somewhere easier for me to get to. She wanted to make a 5 minute journey to sit in a park for an hour, which would have added an additional hour on to mine! We were invited to hers then uninvited as she wanted a break from her kids so it was going to be a 2 hour journey each way to sit in a grim park 😂. She had no understanding of how crap that sounded from anyone's perspective but her own.

Anyway, my point is that now I don't make as much effort to see these particular friends but I will for other things as I feel it wasn't reciprocated.

TLDR: it's about priorities I think. She isn't prioritising seeing you for the meal over her own convenience. She even seems as if she was trying to get out of going. It may be the money as well tbf - evenings out can be more expensive than daytimes. The theatre tickets on their own could've been cheap

I think she just wanted you all dancing around her.

'Something has to be said'

It really doesn't. But you've done it now.

Tbh the specific excuse someone makes not to do a particular thing isn't a witness statement - either they can be there or they can't, you accept what noise they come up with as a reason as a social nicety IMO.

I agree though with not rearranging everything for one person, unfortunately WhatsApp has made that too easy and it's so painful and flaky. Just fix a time and date with a doodlepoll and people can either be there or not.

Forward the text to the friend who is organising
AND
ask contradicting-friend, in front of everyone at the lunch afternoon tea, how her evening theatre trip was

What a pain she is! Next time, include her in the invitation but go with the consensus. If everyone except her is ok with x time then tell her its a shame she can’t make it but the majority rules.

(Personally I’d be making moves to rearrange the afternoon tea back to 3pm but then I, too, am an awkward bugger).

I’d just organise the next event myself, call the friend and say, “I wanted to ask about this after dark worry you have. Is it actually being out after dark as the theatre was late at night? I just wondered if you were covering for a different reason?” And then see what she says.

Perhaps she is a control freak - or perhaps she simply doesn’t like a member of the group who was also going or wants to reduce alcohol intake and felt it was less likely to be a thing earlier in the day or any number of reasons.

Maybe she doesn't like driving in the dark/can get public transport or a lift for the theatre trip? Tbh it depends how much the organiser of the tea trip likes her - if it was me I'd be awkward and move it back to 3pm if its more convenient for the majority! If she doesn't like it she doesn't have to come along!

@amieloue why can’t you be out after dark? Can’t work or drive I can get (medical issues etc) but it can get dark at 4pm. Don’t not go out then?

Screw that bullshit. Next time she pulls that stunt just reply with "oh that's a shame you can't make it" and leave it at that. She may change her ways, but if she doesn't then that is on her and she will be the one missing out.

How on Earth did these "can't be out after dark" types support themselves before WFH was a thing? Where I grew up it would be dark before we finished the last lesson at school in winter, so we walked to and from school in the dark. WTF would these people have done? It's such a spoilt affectation. And I can't imagine imposing my own frifferies on other people like this, either.

I'd HAVE to reply - 'what, in the dark? Brilliant, we can go out for a evening meal after all, I'll update the plans' 😁

Absolutely this for sure. Nice work!

How long would afternoon tea take? I live in the North of Scotland and it's currently still light at 5.30 so by March, it will still be light by about 6 - 6.30 so I don't see what ger problems is? Apart from a bad case of 'world revolves around me'.

Don't change plans for her again. When she says it's too late for her, it'll get dark or something equally ridiculous, just say oh well, that's a shame, maybe you'll be able to make it next time.