There is a situation in my marriage that has been going on for years and I am sick of it. However, before I go into that, I want to explain what I see as the best case scenario.
I have brothers. They are both married to nice women. One lives close to my parents, the other a few hours away. Both of my brothers go out with my parents, pop in on their way somewhere or back, arrange to go out with my dad to the footy, go round for a cup of tea etc. ON THEIR OWN. Sometimes they bring their wife, or wife and DC, but a lot of the time they go round to my parents on their own. FYI they are not neglecting their families. They are "popping in" for a bit, or spending an hour with them if their wife is off doing something. Also, my grown up nieces and nephews do this. They call up, then pop in. My SIL's are very nice, and very welcome when they come over. They are family and we love them.
My DH does none of this. It is as if I am the gatekeeper. Everything seems to have to be run by me. An example is we have been invited to something, I can't go, so he said "we can't go as TiredG is busy". Why can't he go on his own?
He never pops in, goes round on his own, has an independent relationship with his blood family. I am certainly not a control freak, I want him to go. Why can't I see them sometimes, and the rest of the time he goes and has a cup of tea, goes down to Homebase with his dad and other stuff?
As a result there is animosity between PIL and me. They think I block them. I don't. My DH just doesn't want to go there alone. I can see that a lot of it is that his mum and dad are difficult. I know I have a DH problem, but he has also been conditioned this way. When he got married his mum basically wrote off having a son, even though it turns out DH and I do way more for them than their DD's. My FIL wouldn't be allowed out without MIL at his side, so I also think my DH has been conditioned that your wife controls your movements and you don't do anything without her say so. My MIL thinks it is all my fault, and I am quote: "the one wearing the trousers" but that really isn't true according to my own family and friends, who say he clearly does. I think it is their fault, for not investing enough time and effort and having a good relationship with their son.
So, I'd like to ask mums (and dads) to instil in their sons that just because they have met someone, doesn't mean they lose all autonomy over their familial relationships, and it is OK, and in fact healthy to still go hang out with your parents and siblings ON YOUR OWN.
Women do this all the time. It is not controlling, or manipulative, or you are not a MIL from hell if your adult son comes over and chills on your sofa for an hour with a cup of tea and goes and opens the fridge and gazes a bit. In fact, it is healthy.