AIBU to ask parents to condition their sons this way?

[TiredGatekeeper]

There is a situation in my marriage that has been going on for years and I am sick of it. However, before I go into that, I want to explain what I see as the best case scenario.

I have brothers. They are both married to nice women. One lives close to my parents, the other a few hours away. Both of my brothers go out with my parents, pop in on their way somewhere or back, arrange to go out with my dad to the footy, go round for a cup of tea etc. ON THEIR OWN. Sometimes they bring their wife, or wife and DC, but a lot of the time they go round to my parents on their own. FYI they are not neglecting their families. They are "popping in" for a bit, or spending an hour with them if their wife is off doing something. Also, my grown up nieces and nephews do this. They call up, then pop in. My SIL's are very nice, and very welcome when they come over. They are family and we love them.

My DH does none of this. It is as if I am the gatekeeper. Everything seems to have to be run by me. An example is we have been invited to something, I can't go, so he said "we can't go as TiredG is busy". Why can't he go on his own?
He never pops in, goes round on his own, has an independent relationship with his blood family. I am certainly not a control freak, I want him to go. Why can't I see them sometimes, and the rest of the time he goes and has a cup of tea, goes down to Homebase with his dad and other stuff?

As a result there is animosity between PIL and me. They think I block them. I don't. My DH just doesn't want to go there alone. I can see that a lot of it is that his mum and dad are difficult. I know I have a DH problem, but he has also been conditioned this way. When he got married his mum basically wrote off having a son, even though it turns out DH and I do way more for them than their DD's. My FIL wouldn't be allowed out without MIL at his side, so I also think my DH has been conditioned that your wife controls your movements and you don't do anything without her say so. My MIL thinks it is all my fault, and I am quote: "the one wearing the trousers" but that really isn't true according to my own family and friends, who say he clearly does. I think it is their fault, for not investing enough time and effort and having a good relationship with their son.

So, I'd like to ask mums (and dads) to instil in their sons that just because they have met someone, doesn't mean they lose all autonomy over their familial relationships, and it is OK, and in fact healthy to still go hang out with your parents and siblings ON YOUR OWN.

Women do this all the time. It is not controlling, or manipulative, or you are not a MIL from hell if your adult son comes over and chills on your sofa for an hour with a cup of tea and goes and opens the fridge and gazes a bit. In fact, it is healthy.

I think some women need to take responsibility here too. Let's face it women are still doing the bulk of the bringing up children. There seems to often be an expectation that the wife/partner instigates contact, organising gifts, make sure beds are made and food in for visits etc essentially keeping the family contact going.

I always think it's easier to let each party sort their own family. Work as a team but the 'lead' is whoever's family it is. Many people seem so old fashioned still.

DH has an OK relationship with his parents. His mother is very controlling to the point his dad isn't allowed to pick out his own clothes to wear.

I do have a DH problem, but I think his parents haven't encouraged a good relationship with him. They massively favour his sisters.

Are you sure he actually wants a relationship with them - perhaps he likes the distance one he has - one where he doesn't have to deal with a controlling parent and being ignored in favour of siblings. Are you trying to project an ideal relationship you think he should have on him.

My DH and brother visits their parents by themselves and always have done . I tend to like to drag DH on my visits as otherwise my parents can't help but fuck up my travel plans and don't do that when he's there - and I've tried everything to stop them over the years.

Also don't get the checking with you issues as I've had opposite problem, I've spent years getting DH to check with me/calendar before agree visits as we are some considerable and thus expense distance away and they like our full attention - so we don't have clashed with kids of other things because clashes are always my fault and there are things especially for the kids I refuse to cancel.

DH deals with his family as I learnt early that women in his family can frequently do no right so refused to do any wife work or like MIL tried to dump on me. I have still found myself blamed for stuff I had no part in at all though because that's what they do.

I would talk to you DH about blaming you for things and tell him to stop - but he's a grown ass adult fuck conditioning tell him what you expect and see what he actually says and listen - he may not want to deal with his parents at all.

Just stop being the gatekeeper?

He doesn't want to see his parents much, and from how you've described them I can see why. Why is that a problem at all, let alone your problem? Just forget about it.

Maybe once and for all you could make it clear to them that you're not the one stopping him, but honestly I wouldn't bother caring enough to even do that. Stop giving headspace to these people's opinions of you.

Don't tell others how to raise/condition their children. I'd be embarrassed if I were you.

For all the criticism and comments I see on here about men not being close with their families or independently spending time with them, I can only think of two males (friend’s husbands) who even remotely fit this category and both of them have unpleasant parents so who can blame them. It’s just not normal from what I can see.

With my exh, I was a convenient excuse for him to avoid seeing his awful overbearing mother. Even though their relationship was nothing to do with me and I didn't interfere with it or control what he chose to do.

I sympathised with it though, he wasn't able to be direct with her about the real reasons, and I had no problem being the villain 😂 I've also used him as an excuse to not have to see my own unpleasant mother. It's a lazy excuse though and never dealt with the real issues surrounding not wanting to see her.

Just because his siblings have a better relationship with the parents, doesn't mean that they've ever treated their kids the same, so maybe he doesn't want that relationship to be as they are. A shame he can't be more direct with them though.

They can’t face their own fuck up, so they are blaming you, it’s easier.

YABU. Other parents aren't all like your parents. They don't all respect and value their children. HTH

Well sure, but you're describing a fairly dysfunctional family set up so I think it's pretty obvious that your PIL, and anyone like them, is not going to do this as it's not how they operate.

Also, to be fair to in laws, even good ones with good relationships with their sons, I think that on some level, men are taught and programmed by society to be selfish. Or perhaps it's just that selfish behaviour by boys and men isn't knocked on the head in the same way? Hopefully that's changing now.

But in the meantime, parents can't believe their darling child would not want to just hang out with them, so they blame his partner. And of course, there is a ridiculous expectation that women will control things in the home so she is responsible for presents and cards and celebrations (which drives me crazy frankly and the only reason I haven't 100% lost it with DH's family is because it irritates him as much as it irritates me).

It can be extremely draining spending time with emotionally abusive parents as an adult. It’s because you go into the same high alert mode you were in as a child and 3 mins can seem like 3 hours

My DH just doesn't want to go there alone.
I can see that a lot of it is that his mum and dad are difficult.

This is the issue then. Your husband doesn't particularly want to see them and is using you as an excuse/shield. Your choice whether or not you continue to allow him to do this.

Parents need to work on having a good relationship with their children so this doesn't happen.

My DH isn’t close to his family, and doesn’t ever arrange anything with them or send cards, presents etc. I felt for a long time that this meant I had to do all of this. Turned out I didn’t. His family is just not close. We haven’t seen any of them in years and DH doesn’t mind, so I’ve stopped minding either.

I had the opposite problem in my former relationship! My ex constantly went to visit his family, but I was also expected to attend with him each and every time, in order to 'keep up appearances' - or else be ridiculed for being rude and hateful to his family! Far from the truth, I just had my own busy life and interests and didn't want to invest an entire day of my weekend every week. Admittedly, I didn't chime that well with them (very controlling and strictly traditional in their values), but the obligatory visitations placed an even bigger pressure on the relationship with my ex, and ultimately made the relationship with the in-laws tense and unhealthy.

Live and let live, I say. Not everyone has a close and comfortable bond with family, in-laws or blood ties. One of the main issues here sounds like the partner blaming - I would run a mile nowadays if I started being blamed like that.

AIBU to expect heterosexual women to blame men for their own behaviour and not blame their upbringing and parents for everything?

I like visiting my mother without my SO and I like visiting her with my SO.
I wouldn’t want to miss either. Different activities, conversations, atmosphere etc.

I usually visit my father with my SO. But we - father and I - still like to go on walks etc. without having other people join us.

certain aspects of our relationships are quite individual whereas others are shared. And I like it that way 🤷‍♀️

"My FIL wouldn't be allowed out without MIL at his side, so I also think my DH has been conditioned that your wife controls your movements and you don't do anything without her say so."

This is the reason. He has been modelled this and now needs to relearn.

My brothers are the same as is my dh. I also visit my ils without dh, and he would spend time with my family without me too.

Just take control. Next time you get an invitation, YOU respond saying "I can't make it but DH is free." Job done, no assumption that you're blocking him from going, if he doesn't want to go it's then up to him to give a reason why he can't go.

Your husband has a different relationship with his parents than your brothers do with yours. Not everybody is the same, it isn’t that hard to understand. 🤷‍♀️

You have a problem with how your DH uses you as an excuse not to see his parents; so deal with that problem together instead of looking for someone else to blame.
Its the blaming going on thats the problem here.

I don’t know anyone like your husband. I think it would be worth considering why you wanted to post this. I think you might want to ask yourself why you are projecting your angst on strangers assuming we are doing this to our sons - maybe because that is easier than you sitting down with your hubby and his parents and addressing this?

Your husband has a different relationship with his parents than your brothers do with yours. Not everybody is the same, it isn’t that hard to understand.

It does boil down to this.

However it does seem to be a pattern especially with toxic/difficult families child of that family wants distant relationship or none and partner steps thinks they know better and can build a better relationship with effort finds IL difficult problematic or causing issues with GC comes on MN to moan - often about said partner not having the style of relationship they think they should.

I see my parents once or twice a week. However, my partner (DP) sees his parents only 6 or 7 times a year despite living just 20 minutes away from them. He calls them once a month, and they get along well when they meet.
Nevertheless, they have never gone on a holiday together and have had fewer than a handful of family gatherings or meals. They are away for six months every year on holidays.

Since DP and I do not live together, I do not have to go with him. Every family has its unique dynamics. Although if your husband is using you as an excuse that is not on.

By asking parents to avoid this 'conditioning' do you mean that you want all parents reading this to make an effort to be pleasant to be around so that their adult children want to hang out with them and their partners aren't tacitly blamed for their poor relationship?

Almost as if your husband and your brothers were different people with different parents.

If his parents are such hard work I really don't think this will be a "conditioning" thing. Some people keep their parents at arm's length as adults, and that's actually a healthy response in some relationships.

Honestly most men I know are not like your DH and do go and visit parents alone. I would think that DP were insane if he tried to get me to organise his time with his parents. One thing I will say though is he doesn't like hosting, and I refuse to do admin for his side of the family. As a result we only ever have my family round for dinner and Sunday lunch. I've told him many times of he organised it I'd happily cook for and host his family, but he won't organise it. It must look to them like we massively favour my own family. It's not true, it's just down to me feeling a keener duty to organise things.