Work bestie borderline harassing me

[roofusdoofus]

I work a corporate job for a relatively big company but my onsite office is quite small with less than six staff in total. When I started in September one of the girls similar in age befriended me immediately because everyone else was older, married, or had kids. I tried to establish boundaries because I had heard stories about her but also wanted the space to form my own opinion. I’m 23 and she’s 25.

Within a month of starting she added me on all social media I had and was frequently texting me outside of work. I would wake up with at least five different notifications from her across three platforms, and eventually this amounted to more when she added me to groupchats with other colleagues from other offices (without my consent). The groupchats were chronic, if it wasn’t pictures of work related memes, it was five minute long voice notes of people complaining about our job. It facilitated negativity so I left every chat.

The best way to describe her is friend of many but friend of none. I thought originally she had a lot of friends but realised they were just people she got pictures with.

She left on Friday for a new job after accusing the manager of bullying her, which was a completely false accusation. She made a lot of big mistakes that costed the company money, lied about miscarrying, and was overall really problematic and made the office a very negative environment. She has a very big victim complex. The reason I can say this is because her life outside of work mirrors it, her housemates are the worst, or her childhood friends are, she’s always the victim but never the actual cause.

We went for drinks Friday to say goodbye (the whole office) but everyone left around 830pm. I stayed until her friend came, but she started crying saying she doesn’t want me to cut her out and she knows she can be self absorbed and only talk about herself but “she does listen”. I think my jaw is still on the floor of the bar!

Since then she’s been texting me non stop to the stage I have had to delete Instagram, Facebook, and Linkedin (leaving snapchat and messenger). She just won’t stop and I have told her to stop sending multiple messages, one is fine, and I will reply when and if I can to her. She just won’t stop. I am on the verge of a breakdown over her.

The problem is I can’t block her because we have mutual work friends, and she will paint me out to be the big bad wolf. She already told one of my work colleagues I’m being super off with her (who knows exactly what she’s like so passes no heed). My only option is to set her a message explaining but I don’t know how to word it.

AIBU? I feel exhausted day in, day out, I’ve started using my phone less, removing apps, just to try free myself from her.

My advice would be the following:

1. Get yourself a new phone number, the sooner the better.
2. Mute/Block her number on all forms of social media. Some she will know that she is blocked on, others she wont. She no longer works with you so if she sees you out and about, just say you were doing a cull of the people you're no longer working with on all social media.
3. Put her on a very strict information diet. Stop telling her stuff that you want to remain private.
4. Set your social media profiles to be heavily locked down. If she asks about this just tell her that you're concerned about identity theft and you realise that you've been very lax about things in the past but not any more.
5. Consider setting up new social media accounts when you move to Australia and do NOT under any circumstances add her or any of your 'work friends' to these accounts.
6. Consider reporting her stalking to your HR and your manager. Show them if needs be. At least you'll be getting your story out to the right audience and then what she says no longer matters.

Stalking is a crime and what she is doing is stalking. She is not nor ever was your 'work bestie'. She is a stalker.

Hi OP,

I'm afraid this person is not your friend at all. She latched on to you and has called you her bestie to others even though you don't think so, which is "forced teaming'. She's manufactured a bond with you to draw you into her drama.

It's not going to get better because she has violated your boundaries so many times as it is.

She's already lied about major things and have planted seeds in others against you, so that shows she is someqhole who will cause damage to you. The only way to get her to leave you alone is to completely remove her from your life.

Get a new phone number, remove her from your followers and friends list on social media.

People like her are absolutely toxic.

"She knows I am relocating to Australia in June and I’m afraid she’ll tell someone out of spite if I block or cut her off which is why I don’t have a backbone, otherwise I would just pull the trigger. I haven’t told work yet and don’t intend to until late April. We were doing the post/coffee run one morning and bumped into my aunty who let it slip and asked when I was off. I feel like my hands are tied because she already let it slip to our mutual office friends and I wouldn’t trust her not to go far as saying it to someone more senior or less trustworthy"

Think logically. What would actually happen if she took out an advert in The Times announcing "roofusdoofus is moving to Australia in June, everybody!" Seriously, what would actually happen? So, your employer would know in February and not April. What does that actually do? It doesn't change the fact that you're going, does it? They're not going to fire you, are they? She's already "let it slip to our mutual office friends" - so what if she went tattling to The Boss? What do you think The Boss/HR is going to do? Look at you reproachfully? Because that's about as much as they can do!

Yes, it sucks that you are no longer in control of that information, it's already out there because she wanted to aggrandise herself by deliberately 'letting it slip'. Pathetic really - a sort of 'look, look, I told you she was my friend, she tells me stuff she doesn't tell you, so there!' - like i said, pathetic.

What exactly is your worry about her 'letting it slip' further? Exactly what?

You absolutely can block her and you should! If one person knows what she's like, more will too, so it's unlikely you will be painted out as the bad one. I had a similar situation with an ex-colleague years ago, so I know how you feel about this; but I can tell you from experience you need to take the bull by the horns and block her. Sounds like she might be the kind of person who will confront you so be prepared for that and stand your ground!

I may be a total cow but I would tell all your mutual friends what has been going on, the manipulation and how this has made you feel (also show them the screenshots in case she decides to play the victim and trash talk you). I would then straight up tell her to fuck off and never contact me again. She is no longer a colleague of yours, she doesn't respect your boundaries and she was never a friend. You owe her nothing and you will be in Australia soon so she is someone else's problem. Everyone else sees through her.

Just tell work about Australia. At the minute she has this weird power over you because you're scared she'll tell someone, just take that opportunity away from her and tell people. Why are you keeping it a secret? Are you worried work will try and fire you or something?

Once work know about this, you'll be free(er) to block her and have peace.

Voted YABU because YABU to jnot just block her. So what if she says stuff about you. Everyone presumably knows she's a drama queen car crash nightmare so who cares what she says. I wouldn't delete my SM and lose contact with other friends because of her. Just block her.

I am much older now but almost exactly the same thing happened to me at your age. No social media as such then so not the same impact but I just completely went silent - no calls answered, no begging messages replied to. She sent gifts and all sorts. I gave e then to charity show - didnt even try to return them to her. Totally mad.

In the end she moved on to someone new. She spent the next decade (we still worked in the same industry) telling people she had no idea what she'd done to upset me. I never told anyone. And never gossiped.

Then silence. Never heard of her since!

So just block, stay silent and move on.

I can’t tell work as I’m still on my probation period, meaning they more than likely will let me go as I don’t have long term plans to stay here with the company. My probation ends early April which is why I’ll wait till the end of April to notify them.

Your true friends know the real you. Just block her on everything.

Putting the harassment aside for a sec, I'm not defending that at all. But why on earth did you go to the goodbye drinks when you clearly can’t stand the woman and evidently haven't since very early on. You not going would've communicated enough to solve the harassment issue quite promptly I think...

@roofusdoofus I hate to break it to you but the probationary period ending makes no difference. Until you've been with a company for 2 years, you have no legal rights. Obviously signing a contract may give you certain company entitlements but it won’t stop them from letting you go if they feel like it

Whatever you do she will be the victim. She does it to everyone else. Why wouldn’t she do it to you?

just block and delete her from the apps. If you want to send her a WhatsApp explain gong that you are trying to reduce phone time so you will tepsond when you are available.

she will move onto the next one x x d

Everyone in the office attended. I didn’t go to our company Christmas party (I was away), therefore colleagues of mine onsite were encouraging me to join them for her going away drinks as an opportunity to “meet” everyone outside of work for the first time. I wanted to leave with everyone else but she would’ve been left by herself until her friend arrive in, and at that stage of the evening she was annoyingly drunk so I didn’t want to leave her alone. If someone left me alone drunk as a skunk in a pub I’d be a little vexxed, and if anything had of happened to her, I would have felt accountable for it regardless of whether I like her or not. Everyone else had priorities i.e. husbands and kids to return home to whereas I didn’t.

Regarding my probationary period, once passed, I can only be fired with immediate effect for gross misconduct. As per my contract if they decide to “fire” me after probation, I have to receive two verbal warnings and one written for it to be “legal” otherwise they can be sued. If they decide to let me go for whatever reason i.e. overstatfing (I wish) they have to give me either a months notice or a months pay in lieu as per my contract.

If she does tell your work about you moving away, (which would be a whole new level of weirdness from her tbh), they'd be quite unprofessional to act on it. She's a not well liked, former employee. Her spreading gossip she heard in passing from your aunt on the street is not grounds for your dismissal. You don't need to be as cautious as you are being about her. She hasn't got any power over you. You are people pleasing as you don't like confrontation but it is just making things worse (eg responding to her wanting to go for a walk with a 👍). Just say "sorry I can't meet up this weekend" if you insist on responding. You don't have to explain a thing either. Just ignore her if she starts going on. She'll get the message.

Surely the Australia thing is a total red herring. People's plans change all the time. If your work were to tackle you about this (itself quite far-fetched, I feel) you just have some rebuttal lines in place. Unfortunately, a close relative is gravely ill and you need to be here to support your parents; your Oz plans have been put on ice for the foreseeable.

You have a new job and [tinkly laugh] you are now keener to build a UK career. Oz not the attraction it was.

You have a new DP...want to see how that goes, so everything postponed.

All of these perfectly valid. But it isn't your employer's business.

I'm still not seeing any reason in any of your follow up posts why you can't block her. So what if she tells your boss about Australia? Deny it. It's gossip.

The only way to get rid of people like that is to be rude. It's difficult but it works. I had a woman in the neighborhood latch onto me like this and started showing up at my home everyday. I finally had to say "I'm sorry but we are not friends, I don't like you and you cannot come to my home anymore". I quickly shut the door after saying it so I didn't let guilt get the better of me and change my mind. She never bothered me again. They're like stray cats, if you don't go at them with the broom they'll think it's ok to keep coming back

Does this sound like your "friend"?

1. Considering relationships to be more intimate than they actually are. (tells people you're besties)
2. Constantly seeking attention (how many socials does she harass you on..?)
3. Displaying dramatic and theatrical behaviour with exaggerated emotion
4. Being uncomfortable in situations where they are not the centre of attention....

If so, then you're dealing with someone with Histrionic Personality Disorder. I had a similar experience with someone like this and couldn't stand to be around them anymore. As soon as I started to distance myself the smear campaign started. She talked about me behind my back to mutual friends, started rumours, and when I didn't react to it she sent big dramatic messages on different socials, obviously trying to get a reaction. Blocked her straight away without responding, so she put up a public post about "cowards and fake friends".

I did the one thing that drives these people mad. I ignored it, ghosted her, and moved on with my life :) I'm sure she's found someone else to befriend and manipulate, but thankfully it's not me.

Maybe to make sure she was actually leaving 😆

I imagine the relief when she said she was leaving was overwhelming! Now shes gone, block her on everything. Feel sorry for those still in contact (as they will be envious of you) and not give two fucks about what she says about you. Dont open the front door to strangers over the next year or so and ta da she will be harrassing her new bestie! 😆

You sound like one of them that moans about her but actually loves the drama and attention of being wanted by someone

Just block her, honestly. You're way overthinking this.

I had a similar situation and it didn't end well. He tried to isolate me from everybody in the office. He was a compulsive liar and a total slacker in work. He told everybody I was his work wife, always tagging me on social media posts, constantly had a camera in my face on nights out. I was 10 years older, married and with three kids. It came to a head when I had major, life threatening surgery and he text me wanting to know when I would be back so he could do the roster. I contacted our manager. I never returned to the job but he contacted me on instagram and said I had got him sacked and I had dragged his name through the mud. I did no such thing. I deleted all social media and changed my number. Tip of the iceberg.

Just block her. People like her are dangerous.

I few for both of you… I wouldn’t worry. It will faze as she will need to sort out other work and find someone new. You do need to be cruel to be kind. Maybe next text is blunt as in I’m sorry but I’m so busy and it’s a conflict of interest messaging you while at work I’m so busy I can’t be on my phone all day everyday now. Let me message you when I get a chance. Worryingly I would also advise people around you, that this has been happening I’m sure they know anyway what she’s like. She could be dangerous. I had flash back of DA relationship reading your story like the love bombing. Thank god you’re going away. I wouldn’t worry as if she mentions anything it will be “her being her” and then also maybe comment oh could I do that I wonder? Laugh it off. The energy you have had drained from this person is too much. Sending love and strength of a normal kind.