Work bestie borderline harassing me

[roofusdoofus]

I work a corporate job for a relatively big company but my onsite office is quite small with less than six staff in total. When I started in September one of the girls similar in age befriended me immediately because everyone else was older, married, or had kids. I tried to establish boundaries because I had heard stories about her but also wanted the space to form my own opinion. I’m 23 and she’s 25.

Within a month of starting she added me on all social media I had and was frequently texting me outside of work. I would wake up with at least five different notifications from her across three platforms, and eventually this amounted to more when she added me to groupchats with other colleagues from other offices (without my consent). The groupchats were chronic, if it wasn’t pictures of work related memes, it was five minute long voice notes of people complaining about our job. It facilitated negativity so I left every chat.

The best way to describe her is friend of many but friend of none. I thought originally she had a lot of friends but realised they were just people she got pictures with.

She left on Friday for a new job after accusing the manager of bullying her, which was a completely false accusation. She made a lot of big mistakes that costed the company money, lied about miscarrying, and was overall really problematic and made the office a very negative environment. She has a very big victim complex. The reason I can say this is because her life outside of work mirrors it, her housemates are the worst, or her childhood friends are, she’s always the victim but never the actual cause.

We went for drinks Friday to say goodbye (the whole office) but everyone left around 830pm. I stayed until her friend came, but she started crying saying she doesn’t want me to cut her out and she knows she can be self absorbed and only talk about herself but “she does listen”. I think my jaw is still on the floor of the bar!

Since then she’s been texting me non stop to the stage I have had to delete Instagram, Facebook, and Linkedin (leaving snapchat and messenger). She just won’t stop and I have told her to stop sending multiple messages, one is fine, and I will reply when and if I can to her. She just won’t stop. I am on the verge of a breakdown over her.

The problem is I can’t block her because we have mutual work friends, and she will paint me out to be the big bad wolf. She already told one of my work colleagues I’m being super off with her (who knows exactly what she’s like so passes no heed). My only option is to set her a message explaining but I don’t know how to word it.

AIBU? I feel exhausted day in, day out, I’ve started using my phone less, removing apps, just to try free myself from her.

You also need to bone up on how to treat a stalker

you send the message, you block

if she tries to contact you, no matter how many times you do NOT answer- if she sends you 10 texts before you answer, she’ll learn that she needs to send AT LEAST 10 messages to get your response.

if she shows up at your house, again, radio silence. More than once? Call the police.

How do you have mutual work friends, when you say she doesn’t have any friends?
Block her.
Any comment to you from “friends”, tell them you blocked her because of the constant contact.
If she looks for ways round the block, call 101 for advice.

Do not do this! You do not owe this woman any more of your time. #benice doesn’t mean pussyfooting around someone who is harassing you. I can’t imagine her public reaction will be fun to deal with either.

Block her. Tell your boss / HR what is going on so they are aware. They may offer to pay a solicitor to write her an official letter.

You don’t need to delete your social media, just delete her! That is what the block function is for….
Block her in all social media and report her on each one for harassment before you do so. Then send her a WhatsApp message stating that her constant messaging is upsetting you and you consider it to be harassment. Tell her you want it to stop. Keep that message and any more in case you need them but mute her WhatsApp so you don’t keep getting notification’s.
Might be worth having a word with HR. She’s made a false accusation against a manager and is now harassing you. You might also tell the team that she is trying to paint your character black….
As for driving past your home…if it continues contact the police and tell them all the history. That would be stalking. A stern word from the police would hopefully stop her.

She's not paid any attention to your wishes or attempts to set boundaries so far. Trying to manage her isn't going to work.

You need to block and ignore. And don't worry about your colleagues- they all know what she is like.

Block her - being painted as a big bad wolf is the least of your problems here honestly. If she turns up to your house threaten to call the police.

This. Just block her and move on. You don't need to worry yourself about her bad mouthing you, everyone will know what she is like.

You don't need to message her or explain anything to her - just block her. So what if she paints you to be the bad guy??

Just. Block. The fact this is affecting you so much surely is a message to you?! Block. If anyone at work asks (they won’t) say she’s too much and you need to distance yourself.

Sounds like a good thing that she's got a new job - perhaps she'll move on to a new 'work bestie' before too long. Sounds like you're doing what you can to set boundaries, but I'd consider saying something to her directly about her contact being too much.

Learn to be ok with the possibility of other people thinking you're "the big bad wolf". Great life lesson, the sooner learnt the better.

(FWIW, I don't think anyone will think that of you. It seems that almost everyone who knows her has the measure of her.)

You need to stop thinking "if I do that, she'll do this". Doesn't matter. You can't control what she does or says. You can only control how you respond, and how you manage your life. This is clearly harming you, so act accordingly. Take screenshots of the harassment so far, then block. Make notes of her behaviour. If she turns up at your house, call the police. Doesn't matter whether she's committing a crime or not: by notifying the police, you're starting a paper trail and establishing the issue in case anything serious happened in future.

I don't mean this in a patronising way but you're young, and understandably the feeling of how it will look to block her feels big. It's really not. You're clearly very intelligent, mature and capable: this is a great time to put those traits into practice. It seriously, genuinely does not matter whether she manages to convince some random person in the future that you're the baddie. That happens to all of us at some point.

Your colleagues/co-workers know what she is like. They will not think ill of you because of anything that the former co-worker might say.

For heaven's sake, just block her!

I don’t understand why you’re being so passive about it.

When she added you on SM you could have just not accepted her friend requests.

When she added you to multiple groups without your consent, you could have just removed yourself.

When she’s texting you multiple times, just put it on mute and reply when you want to.

You are enabling her behaviour by going along with it.

Why so much drama - block!

YABU to delete everything rather than just blocking her

Who cares if she kicks off, you don’t want much to do with her and everyone knows what she is like so will know this isn’t a YOU issue

Just be grown up about it and either have the conversation or block her and deal with the theatrics which I am sure will last about a day before she finds something else to be a victim about

The lying, victimhood and general drama suggest she may have some sort of borderline personality disorder, and her behaviour is verging on stalking.

Send her a message and say her behaviour is over the top, you are feeling harassed by her constant attention, and as a result you are ending the relationship.
Tell her to stop contacting you, to stop driving past your house; keep copies of the message and then block her.

If she escalates, contact the police and Paladin.

You're over-thinking this!

Just block her. Who cares what she says to other people?!?!?

I had a similar "friend". We met up for the odd coffee but if I didn't reply on one thing, they'd message via something else, then something else, then notice I'd seen it and not replied, then ask if I was ignoring them etc... it was mentally draining. It just felt I was always doing something wrong.

I just decided I'd had enough so ignored them, then blocked them. No doubt they told anyone who cared that I'm just another awful person that has given up on them, but sometimes people actually need to help themselves.

This girl clearly has MH issues so needs to sort herself out.

Just block and don't feel bad.

Why do you care if others think you are a 'baddie' they know what she's like!

I’d also add that keeping the appearance of being her friend does you more harm to your reputation than anything she says about you behind your back if you block her. Everyone knows or will quickly learn that she’s unhinged.

I worked with someone similar and it was mentally exhausting. I ended up leaving and blocking her, at least she has already left. I’d mute or block and breathe a sigh of relief. She may paint you in a bad light but it will say more about her, people who know her and you will understand. You can message her and say you are feeling harassed by the level of contact and ask her to stop. Log it with police if it continues, I think you need a 3rd person to explain to her how strange her behaviour is. Calling by your house uninvited sounds stalker like behaviour.

For the love of god just block her and stop speaking to her. From what you say the people you work with are well aware of her antics/BS and would never believe her bad mouthing you. Plus I'd imagine they're too busy working or dealing with their own lives to care. You stopped contact. That's your choice. I doubt anyone meaningful would hold that against you for even one second. This is a work friendship only, and she no longer works there. End of.

When you're next to one of these mutual friends. Do I dramatic sigh and say 'not another...' when they ask what's wrong
'I'm trying to be supporting but since x left work on Friday I've received x amount of texts. One after the other. If I don't reply instantly because I'm in the shower. I'll get loads asking what's wrong, what has she done. It's overwhelming and I don't know what to do about it'

Let them give you advice. That way you'll stay inside with your current colleagues. And seriously just reply once a day to her, put her on mute til then

Just block her and start enjoying your free time again, this is ridiculous!