Work bestie borderline harassing me

[roofusdoofus]

I work a corporate job for a relatively big company but my onsite office is quite small with less than six staff in total. When I started in September one of the girls similar in age befriended me immediately because everyone else was older, married, or had kids. I tried to establish boundaries because I had heard stories about her but also wanted the space to form my own opinion. I’m 23 and she’s 25.

Within a month of starting she added me on all social media I had and was frequently texting me outside of work. I would wake up with at least five different notifications from her across three platforms, and eventually this amounted to more when she added me to groupchats with other colleagues from other offices (without my consent). The groupchats were chronic, if it wasn’t pictures of work related memes, it was five minute long voice notes of people complaining about our job. It facilitated negativity so I left every chat.

The best way to describe her is friend of many but friend of none. I thought originally she had a lot of friends but realised they were just people she got pictures with.

She left on Friday for a new job after accusing the manager of bullying her, which was a completely false accusation. She made a lot of big mistakes that costed the company money, lied about miscarrying, and was overall really problematic and made the office a very negative environment. She has a very big victim complex. The reason I can say this is because her life outside of work mirrors it, her housemates are the worst, or her childhood friends are, she’s always the victim but never the actual cause.

We went for drinks Friday to say goodbye (the whole office) but everyone left around 830pm. I stayed until her friend came, but she started crying saying she doesn’t want me to cut her out and she knows she can be self absorbed and only talk about herself but “she does listen”. I think my jaw is still on the floor of the bar!

Since then she’s been texting me non stop to the stage I have had to delete Instagram, Facebook, and Linkedin (leaving snapchat and messenger). She just won’t stop and I have told her to stop sending multiple messages, one is fine, and I will reply when and if I can to her. She just won’t stop. I am on the verge of a breakdown over her.

The problem is I can’t block her because we have mutual work friends, and she will paint me out to be the big bad wolf. She already told one of my work colleagues I’m being super off with her (who knows exactly what she’s like so passes no heed). My only option is to set her a message explaining but I don’t know how to word it.

AIBU? I feel exhausted day in, day out, I’ve started using my phone less, removing apps, just to try free myself from her.

"The problem is I can’t block her because we have mutual work friends, and she will paint me out to be the big bad wolf. She already told one of my work colleagues I’m being super off with her (who knows exactly what she’s like so passes no heed)."
So, the only reason you're reluctant to block her is that she'll badmouth you. But she's already tried to do so, and - it didn't work. And it will never work, because her audience "knows exactly what she’s like so passes no heed". You yourself "had heard stories about her" before starting at that office. That alone tells me that however much mud she throws at a person it will never stick. Your reputation will not, can not, be damaged by her words.

"I tried to establish boundaries because I had heard stories about her but also wanted the space to form my own opinion. I’m 23 and she’s 25."
At your age, I'd have worried about her badmouthing me too. But please believe, she cannot harm you or your work relationships. Her behaviour has made very sure of that!

Block her. Block her now. She is a burden you have no reason to carry.

I might be inclined to send her one final message telling her that if she continues to contact you, you will consider it to be harassment and stalking; and will report her to the police.

Oh OP - grow a backbone here. My main takeaway from your messages are that you’re too worried that people might think you’re not ‘nice’ to set firm boundaries.

send her a polite ‘back off’ message. Email your HR team and let them know that you have done that.

then stick to that.

YABU you both sound dramatic and unprofessional. You need to maintain your own professional boundaries and should have stepped back when it became obvious she was problematic.

Just block her, drama solved

Slowly back away from her until you have no contact, take ages to reply to texts and when you do give very brief responses, don’t answer all calls etc, cutting her off suddenly could create a severe reaction from her

She will probably move on to her next victim in her new work place though so I presume her attention will be elsewhere in a short while

She sounds completely toxic

I

Hi Everyone,

Just to address some things.

1. I did step back once I realised how overbearing she was, i.e. didn’t meet her outside of work or before work, had my lunch hour changed, requested that our desks are swapped (they were) and implented those boundaries.
2. I did leave the groupchats but was constantly re-added or new groups were created. She did not respect these boundaries even when I told her I do not want to be apart of them. She loves to drink, and every weekend would re-add me when she was steaming.
3. Yes, the social media deleting was excessive but what I mean is I have deleted the apps (I can still access them on safari). I muted her messages, stories, but she would continually tag me in posts and memes. When I stopped replying via Instagram, she would go as far as messaging me on Linkedin!
4. Yes, I could’ve declined her requests and I did initially but she made a joke in front of colleagues in the office so I felt pressured.

She knows I am relocating to Australia in June and I’m afraid she’ll tell someone out of spite if I block or cut her off which is why I don’t have a backbone, otherwise I would just pull the trigger. I haven’t told work yet and don’t intend to until late April. We were doing the post/coffee run one morning and bumped into my aunty who let it slip and asked when I was off. I feel like my hands are tied because she already let it slip to our mutual office friends and I wouldn’t trust her not to go far as saying it to someone more senior or less trustworthy

Just to let you know, you don't have to quote your original post every time you post on this thread.

I get what you mean OP about worrying that she'll tell people about your plans, but actually, if you're not replying to her now, how will she even know you've blocked her?

It will come up as blocked or failed to deliver so she’ll know.

I told her to message less and that I wanted to put boundaries in place, that I feel overwhelmed and suffocated, she said let her know if I fancy a walk at the weekend (I replied with a thumbs up) and she goes “love you talk soon”..

There will be no walk or further talk !!

You need to get up to speed with how YOU can be in charge of your social media. People shouldn't be able to add you to groups willy nilly, YOU can choose who to see and who to respond to.
Of course you can block her. If you are not the big bad wolf then you have nothing to worry about.

she said let her know if I fancy a walk at the weekend (I replied with a thumbs up) and she goes “love you talk soon”..

Why did you reply at all? Why did you put a thumbs up?
STOP engaging.

block her! This is atrocious behaviour of her.

This^^ wtf? Stop replying at all. She now thinks you're going on a walk together. You are making things worse by responding.

She sounds nuts tbh

I don’t think it matters if she tells people about your plans. If work ask’s officially you can say it is a possibility and if it comes to fruition you will let them know and hand your notice in. Don’t let her have the power. You have done nothing wrong.

Block/mute her and tell her why. Ask her to stop contacting you.

If she keeps it up, she’s stalking you and you should speak to the police.

Driving past your house is unnerving. It’s stalking.

It's always useful to think about how often this person has behaved like this in the past?
A grown woman like this will have a long history from schooldays of this sort of behaviour.
100%
She's in her mid 20's with no one else to attach herself too? No other 'friends'?
She's attached herself to you for a reason - because she 'can'.
Nobody else will put up with this bollocks!

How rude, selfish and ignorant she is to completely dismiss your needs for her own!

.. and yes, those people who drone on and on and on about themselves are horrendous.
I cross the road to avoid them, let alone letting them encroach my social media 😂

Scratch the surface and there will be lots of others who have got rid of her - and rightly so.

You can too.

You're fuelling this now. You set your boundaries, which she seemed to be ok with and then you agreed to meeting for a walk. You know the walk won't happen but you've encouraged her by doing a thumbs up. Just block her!

I didn’t agree for a walk. I said there will be no walk or further yak underneath it.

She will take a thumbs up as a yes. Or imply that's what she thought you meant.
Hopefully your lack of further responses may gay through to her.

Then why reply with a thumbs up? You are not helping yourself if you are giving someone like that mixed messages

Oh op she sounds absolutely overbearing and annoying! I used to hate work group chats because of silly memes and pictures that a certain person kept sending to everyone in the chat! That was bad enough but I couldn’t tolerate your friend’s behaviour at all! I honestly cannot stand people who make themselves out to be the victim and always seem to have some sort of drama following them about. She obviously has issues.

I would block her, she doesn’t work there anymore. Also I assume your other mutual work friends would know exactly what she is like and probably won’t listen to her when she badmouths you. And even if she did, just ignore it all as much as you can and just be your usual self.

If you feel you can’t block her then just put her on mute and stop replying to anything she sends. Unfortunately unless you do this or block then there is no other way around it.

Hope you have a chain for your front door. And get into the habit of using it.

Why not just ignore her? giving her the thumbs up is literally inviting her to continue...

OP if someone invites you out for a walk and you give them a thumbs up, that means "yes let's go for a walk". You need to be clear with her that you no longer wish to be in contact. Otherwise, how do you expect her to know? I think it's unlikely that she'll go to your employers and tell them you're moving to Australia, but anyway getting her to leave you alone is more important. You're being a bit spineless and giving her very mixed messages.

I had a neighbour who was getting a bit like this. Eventually she ended up never speaking to me again! Greatest relief of my life. Hopefully she finds someone else at her new job and leaves you alone!!