AIBU to say I’m a single Mum?

[Kittenkitty]

I’ve been single for at least 4 years and have recently decided to start dating again. I have a 5yr old daughter. How do I navigate this? I don’t want to conceal I have a child but I also don’t want to attract someone preying on single Mums. Should I just not bother? Keep them from meeting her and hope I’d suss out any pervs first? I have a good support network around me and my daughters Dad is involved but for health reasons I have my daughter 7 nights a week. So I’m also not sure of logistics.

If you are doing online dating do not mention kids at all. Given that you have your dd 7 nights a week any dating would surely have to be super casual (eg coffees and daytime days out child free) unless you have a babysitter you can use for dinner dates?

You don’t have to blurt it from the rooftops but usually in the dating scene questions like this do arise “do you have children?” Etc. Why keep your child a secret….sorry op but you hardly sound ready to date currently particularly using the word “pervs” it’s almost like your wanting to weed out potential predators?

Nothing wrong with that but I say focus on you for now.

I think you should say you're a sp because it would be a bit shit if you net people that weren't looking to be with someone with a child so a waste of everyone's time and you've got logistics making it hard to date.

But precautions I'd take would be - dating people in your local area that are friends of friends type of people, doing one of those checks with the police when you get to boyfriend/girlfriend level and not leaving your dc alone with them for a good while. The type of men you're worried of will want to move a relationship with you quickly, that's a red flag in itself. Anyone trying to move in with you/meet your dc/insert themselves in your life very early on is a red flag.

Sadly most dc are abused by their biological dads at higher rates than a step parent. I'm pointing that out because you wouldn't date pre dc looking for potential sex abusers.

I've been there.

I didn't advertise on my app profile that I was a single mum.

I would tell men before we met... but only after we'd been exchanging a few messages and things were looking promising.

A balance of protecting us versus not wasting their time completely.

Surely that's exactly what she's saying? She doesn't want someone grooming her for access to her child? That's completely normal and in no way suggests she's not ready to date - in fact I'd say she's probably ready to date and not settle.

Is that true regarding step parents because from what I've read apparently abuse from step parents is more likely?

Just put you have children, don’t say how many/ages/sex and don’t talk about your children while messages/early days of dating. It’s wasting your own time as much as everyone else’s not to mention it and match with people who don’t want children/don’t want to be a step parent.

I would be upfront and tell them from the off and have it in my profile.

Is that true regarding step parents because from what I've read apparently abuse from step parents is more likely?

Everything I've read suggest step fathers abuse at higher rates and at a more serious level.

Surely wasting time is preferable to making your child a target.

No way would I mention children but I would keep my romantic life and child separate always. I wouldn't be looking to 'blend' families or have a man involved with my DD simply because I wanted to date them.

I’ve long since lost the will with OLD but when I did, I kept it out of my profile and then casually mentioned I have kids when talking/before meeting someone. I worried having it in there would attract weirdos or single dads looking for a something serious/blended family which was not what I was looking for. But equally there was no point keeping it quiet til meeting if they weren’t interested in a woman with kids.

Thanks all for the advice so far. It’s really helpful for getting a plan of action clear in my mind. I think I wont advertise it but won’t try and conceal it either and yes I wouldn’t be looking to introduce anyone to my daughter and would definitely notice someone pushing forward a relationship too quickly. I think I am quite a cautious person which is why I’ve stayed single for years rather than take a leap of faith. So I would want to take anything slowly.

She isn’t ready she already feels nervous about the situation when I was on the dating scene many years ago I admitted to having children but not to agree for every bloke or even one to meet them?! You do have options in life.

Some (less than pleasant) people attach connotations to the term 'single mum', but for some odd reason 'lone parent' sounds entirely different.

Agree with others though, in that there is no need to mention you are a parent at all to start with.

Say you are a parent in your profile but not your child's age or gender.

It's unfair to keep it a secret as some people will not want to date a parent. I would feel pissed off if I had been chatting to someone for a while and did not know that he or she had kids, as long term it will have an impact on any relationship.

Good luck! Dating as a single parent IS harder, but it can be done. As PP's have said, just run for the hills if anybody pushes to meet your child before you are ready, whatever timeframe you set (months/a year/doesn't matter - it's your boundary to set and not their call).

The most dangerous person to your child statistically is their dad. That doesn't mean that all dads are abusers but children are proportionally harmed by their dad more than any other family member. It's a myth about step parents. Step mums are the least likely family member (lower than mum) to physically or sexually abuse a child. The cinderella story really made the image of wicked evil step mum. I'm not a step parent btw, just an interesting child protection fact.

I would protect my child by making it crystal clear early on that I wasn't looking to move in or blend families. I wouldn't mention any of this in the profile. Dating in the very very early stages is all about finding these things out so it's not time wasting to not mention it immediately. Back in the day of meeting People at pubs it's not like you had "single mum" printed on your head is it?

Maybe not on your profile but definitely mention before meeting!

Thanks all. I’m definitely not looking to blend families etc. I work hard to pay my own mortgage and keep a stable roof over our heads and my daughter already has a Dad. I deal with a lot of child protection stuff at work and I think working with the darker side of life so much it can be hard to switch it off.

I’d be interested to see those statistics - where can I read more?

I know fathers are the most likely to inflict physical abuse but I wasn’t sure about sexual abuse.

@PlantsFallLikeDominoes

The most dangerous person to your child statistically is their dad. That doesn't mean that all dads are abusers but children are proportionally harmed by their dad more than any other family member. It's a myth about step parents.

Where can I see the figures?

Don’t write it on your profile but you should 100% tell someone before you meet in person. Children can be a deal breaker for people.

I don't say anything unless there's potential for it to turn serious. Just drinks and casual meet ups? Not relevant imo

dont mention kids on your profile but drop it in to the second or third messages. I don’t want to date anyone with kids and find it really bloody annoying if men lie or go to lengths to conceal it, but have no problem if they don’t advertise the fact

Well that’s a bit of a raw deal for men where kids are a deal breaker and they’ve then invested time and money getting to know someone who there is no future with. I think this is quite unkind