AIBU to say I’m a single Mum?

[Kittenkitty]

I’ve been single for at least 4 years and have recently decided to start dating again. I have a 5yr old daughter. How do I navigate this? I don’t want to conceal I have a child but I also don’t want to attract someone preying on single Mums. Should I just not bother? Keep them from meeting her and hope I’d suss out any pervs first? I have a good support network around me and my daughters Dad is involved but for health reasons I have my daughter 7 nights a week. So I’m also not sure of logistics.

I dated for over a year (now married to same man) before I even introduced my children to bf (6 & 8) at the time.
I had no intention of bringing someone into their lives who could just as easily duck out.
Only when we were (both) looking to commit did I then introduce him to my children.
He also had children, so I was more comfortable with the prospect of introducing him into our household.
And, regardless of who is "more likely" to harm your child (the dad/step-dad debate), it's your responsibility to keep them safe, and it's always best to be on the safe side in either case.

Can I ask how you plan to date if you have your child 7 nights a week?

Child safety trumps kindness to random men

It's fairly well known that dubious men can prey on single mothers, there is nothing wrong with trying to stop that from happening

I have zero issue with men's behaviour inconveniencing men in order to keep children safer

@Babsexxx So OP wanting to make sure she doesn't bring a predator into her DC's life, means she's not ready to date???? Huh?

Not everyone is looking for a lifelong commitment when they're dating...and if you are on a dating app it's assumed that you will be spending time and money meeting people you then find out you don't click with for any number of reasons. I'm not looking for a serious commitment so I keep my private life private.

it’s almost like your wanting to weed out potential predators?

Which is exactly what every parent who is dating should be doing

How on earth wanting to do this could be construed as a bad thing, or made to mean that the OP isn't ready to date is beyond me

But attitudes like this do explain how so many children are exposed to predators by parents

It’s basic online safety not to mention it on your profile. If someone is looking to use dating to get access to children and looks at 100 profiles they’ll go for the easiest, most obvious targets.

Not on my profile and not mentioned until I care to.

If they feel they have wasted their time, then fair enough.

If they ask do you lie?

No

Best approach is to not say so on OLD and then make it clear early in any direct communication so it rules out people who have that as a deal breaker.

That is a good question… I can get childcare for her, but it’s not a Dads every other weekend sort of situation, so it would be my siblings or parents having her. I also have Fridays off work. So it wouldn’t be easy but it’s not impossible either. I could wait, but there might never be a good time over the next 12 years.

I don't have the figures to hand. It was something learned in uni. I'm sure it's on google. Not sure why there is all the surprise, dc get removed from their families on a regular basis and it's common knowledge that the person most likely to abuse dc are their dads, it's why I roll my eyes about the hysteria of stranger danger.

Wow, I would tell them straight away. I'd be really pissed off as this would be a deal breaker for me, and be totally wasting my time. Also since when did men prey on dating sites for single mums

Paedophiles. I'm shock you are not aware of this.

Given neglect is one of the largest categories where there are two parents you have two perpetrators.

If you are actually not talking about abuse in totality and looking at sexual
abuse you are going to need to cite a real stat for that as well.

Your suggestion that abuse is either a parent or a stranger is a strange attempt to frame the question, lots of abuse comes from other known figures in children's lives, not just parents.

Looking at the National Office of Statistics data perpetrators of on child sexual abuse her are some of the categories:
37.3% Friend or Acquaintance
30.1% Stranger
22.0% Other family member
6.1% Step father
5.5% Father
1.4% Mother
0.3% Step mother
https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/crimeandjustice/datasets/childsexualabuseappendixtables

Very reasonable and what I would also do if were in the situation.

If a man doesn't want to date a woman with children, he'd be sensible to make a point of asking if she has children rather than just assume she doesn't and get annoyed when she in fact does.

I would be horrified if I met a fella online who failed to mention such a massive significant part of their life as a child that lives with them 24/7 op.

Even the fact that your dc is with you 7/7 is going to impact your dating right from the start, so I think you need to be honest at least about the 'having kids' part so they can manage their own expectations. Going on a night out is going to be a challenge and a bloke who doesn't know your history is going to run a mile once you start giving strange excuses as to why meeting and having a regular relationship is difficult.

OTOH, you don't need to be more explicit than 'has child/ren' which will filter out any men who aren't interested in a woman with dc. Not all men are seeking out and preying in single mums, they likely also have their own kids so a bit of mutual understanding will go a long way.

And you need to up your game to weed out those men who might be potential cocklodgers...

@BloodyAdultDC would you really be horrified or realise that they were protecting their dc from potential paedophiles? It’s not sensible to put it in the profile but it should be mentioned early in conversation.

I don’t think this poster is saying that it should be on the profile- but agreeing with you that it should be early on in the conversation.

One poster here has said that they wouldn’t tell their date for multiple dates of drinks. Which if we assume £35 an outing and 2 hours a date minimum. Means some poor sap can waste over £100 and 6 hours on someone who they have no future with.

Whilst most dates don’t go anywhere, I’d be really annoyed if I wasted money and energy because a man was being dishonest about one of my total dealbreakers.

Remember to use Clare's Law and Sarah's law to vet any new men in your life. They can only reveal if he has a conviction, but its better than nothing.

Being cautious about introducing new adults into your children's lives is not hysteria, but nice use of a mysoginistic term to sneer at perfectly valid concerns of the OPs

I would question why someone had got that many dates in without making it clear that no kids was one of their dealbreakers

It's not like the OP is dating people who have lost their own self will, they have the ability to ask questions themselves

I don't think it should be left many dates, but I think it's perfectly reasonably to leave it until at least the 2nd date

Seriously? Of course paedophiles prey on single mums! It gives them easy access to a child, and the mother will have divided loyalties if the child tells her they're being abused.

I came on here to suggest exactly the same! These laws are to protect women and kids and should be used by any woman embarking on a new relationship.