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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say I’m a single Mum?

61 replies

Kittenkitty · 13/02/2024 15:07

I’ve been single for at least 4 years and have recently decided to start dating again. I have a 5yr old daughter. How do I navigate this? I don’t want to conceal I have a child but I also don’t want to attract someone preying on single Mums. Should I just not bother? Keep them from meeting her and hope I’d suss out any pervs first? I have a good support network around me and my daughters Dad is involved but for health reasons I have my daughter 7 nights a week. So I’m also not sure of logistics.

OP posts:
Valtine2 · 15/02/2024 12:13

Single mum 1 one OP, I'm only free EOW. I put on my profile I have a child. OLD can be a total waste of time, you have to be honest and just because I am a mother I have my preferences I wouldn't even consider going on a date with any man that had 3 or for kids.

I think you will be better matching with men who have kids also! Unless you are willing to have more kids yourself!

Valtine2 · 15/02/2024 12:17

@ZoeCM asking someone how old are you? Where are you from? Do you want or have kids is a basic start to a conversation. OP should not be even thinking about bringing ANY man she meets online to meet her child.

Backinthedress · 15/02/2024 12:18

Sapphire387 · 13/02/2024 15:42

I've been there.

I didn't advertise on my app profile that I was a single mum.

I would tell men before we met... but only after we'd been exchanging a few messages and things were looking promising.

A balance of protecting us versus not wasting their time completely.

exactly how I managed it.

lieselotte · 15/02/2024 12:21

Hermittrismegistus · 13/02/2024 15:59

Is that true regarding step parents because from what I've read apparently abuse from step parents is more likely?

Everything I've read suggest step fathers abuse at higher rates and at a more serious level.

I agree, that's my perception too.

When a child is horribly abused, it's nearly always a step-dad and the stupid enabling girlfriend who puts him above her child.

ZoeCM · 15/02/2024 12:36

I'd be astonished if it's true that stepchildren aren't likelier to be abused. Virtually every time a child is murdered by a member of their household, it seems as though a step-parent/parent's partner is involved (Arthur Labinjo-Hughes, Daniel Pelka, Star Hobson, Constance Marten's baby, Logan Mwangi, Alfie Lamb, Alfie Steele, Jacob Crouch, Stanley Davis). In fact, the only case I can think of where the child lived with both parents is that of Ellie Butler.

Thisistyresome · 15/02/2024 12:44

dimllaishebiaith · 15/02/2024 12:09

I would question why someone had got that many dates in without making it clear that no kids was one of their dealbreakers

It's not like the OP is dating people who have lost their own self will, they have the ability to ask questions themselves

I don't think it should be left many dates, but I think it's perfectly reasonably to leave it until at least the 2nd date

Show quote history

All these "leave it a few dates" arguments don't even seem to factor in that is OP is waiting then she is also wasting her own time and money too.

The bother of arranging childcare and moving schedules around to be able to make time for a date would be better spent on the occasions she has the best chance of getting what she wants.

If she is going through all that bother for two dates only to then rule the man out based upon something that could have been known from an early message she is doing herself no favours.

Better to screen out the paedos by not saying it on the profile then screening out the men who want no kids by saying it in early messages.

BugofLove · 15/02/2024 12:47

I wouldn't put it in my profile but would mention it when a first date had been arranged, as in time and date set. I would pop it into conversation prior to meeting.

cadburyegg · 15/02/2024 13:13

Hi op you are being very sensible. I've been a single mum for 3 years now. I am not currently active on the dating apps but when I am, I always make it very clear that I have 2 children and I don't want anymore. This means anyone who doesn't want to date a parent, or who wants to have kids of their own, doesn't match with me.

I've only had a few dates and they were all in the last year, I haven't been in any relationships so I haven't got to the stage of introducing kids. However, I would be very careful on who I bring back to my house (even without the kids there), I'd wait a long time before introducing them to my kids, any sniff of a red flag and they'd be gone.

Furthermore, I'd always be very clear that any relationship is for me and for my benefit. My kids don't need a stepdad, I don't want to blend families, I wouldn't move anyone into my home.

I do not put photos of my kids on dating apps, on my WhatsApp profile picture. On Facebook all my photos of the kids are available to friends only. There are no publicly available photos of them.

You don't have to be sceptical of every man you match with. Just be sensible.

positivesliceofpie · 15/02/2024 13:40

I stayed single when my son was born hes 19 now still single been a single mum all his life.
But i became very comfy being single and never want to live with anyone again.
Dating was not for me i had a 2 dates in that time and each one was a nope from the start.

NervesOfCotton · 15/02/2024 13:45

cadburyegg Agree with you. That's how I do it too. I've been online dating on & off for 4 years now & I've always had on my profile that I have kids. I've never had anybody back to mine or showed them where I live.

There's been 2, in that time, that I felt showed 'Red flags' about my kids so I just ended the chat.

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