To think I'm not fit for not just work, but life itself?

[notfitforlife]

On paper I am educated with a masters degree and a first class degree, I've had a couple of good jobs but it took everything to do that and I still ended up having my mental health take such a hit I had to take time off sick/quit. The more I reflect on my life I just think I'm not really fit for life. Everything is so unbelievably difficult and always has been for me. I can still feel the visceral sense of dread I had even back at nursery. I don't think I've ever been happy

Like I had a full time job for around 18 months but 4 of those were unpaid sick leave, and the rest of the time I'd be struggling to concentrate or crying during work hours and working until midnight or waking up at 5am to finish work to meet my deadlines. I'd avoid going into the office as when I was there I could never concentrate, my head felt foggy and I'd cry on the way home from the exhaustion of it.

I'm now unemployed once again after being unable to cope and I just feel like there's nothing I feel good enough for. Even a hotel cleaner asks for previous experience, and my mind is already thinking of all the things that could go wrong like I could mix the wrong cleaning chemicals or forget to clean something or be too slow.

I can't even walk around a supermarket without feeling so overwhelmed it feels like my head feels all fuzzy and I can't focus. I can't drive because I find it overwhelming. I still live with parents as when I attempted to move out for university I had a breakdown and couldn't cope with it.

If you came across me you'd think I was intelligent and 'normal', but it's the biggest facade.

Have you investigated ADHD and/or Autism? I say this, not just as a mner who jumps to neurodivergent conclusions, but as a diagnosed autistic with undiagnosed adhd, pda and gad. And that 'facade' sounds like 'masking'.

sorry you are going through this, as previously mentioned ADHD/Autism may be worth exploring - certainly joining a few dots for me; and just thought I was a sh*t human being (still do a lot of the time)

I have always struggled with life, despite being well educated. I’ve realised, after lots of research, that I’m most likely autistic. Maybe you are OP?

As soon as I read your title I thought, bet its ADHD. After reading your post, I'd put money on it

I was diagnosed at 30, it was such a shock. The facade, as PP mentions is probably due to masking.

Before being diagnosed I would have months at a time where I would isolate myself because I was so exhausted from life I just couldnt cope. After being diagnosed it turns out that its burnout from masking all the time

Everyone thinks I'm really outgoing, confident, fun and have high self esteem. Actually, I'm the complete opposite, I've just always said to myself "fake it till you make it"

After being diagnosed it has saddened me that I will never make it as I had hoped. I think I'll be a mess forever despite getting the support and diagnosis.

It's awful and I wouldnt wish this sort of brain on anyone

They’ve all already said what I was going to say. Also assumed based on title but the rest of the OP makes it even more likely.

But also, you may find that other working patterns work better for you. Presumably your degrees were in something that you were particularly interested in - is there any type of work that you could explore there? Working for yourself, maybe, might be an option?

The other aspect is that maybe you are physically unwell? Brain fog, anxiety, not being able to focus, while yes it could be adhd etc, could also be a hormonal imbalance that you've had since young. For example. Or a response to trauma or tension. Or both neurodivergence and a physical cause.

Just don't ignore the body as well as the mind.

It’s fight or flight mode, living in a constant state of high alert. It means your brain and body react to everyday life as if it’s a crisis and it’s exhausting. It’s a trauma response that can begin in childhood if we’re unsafe around caregivers. You can switch it off but you need to investigate which approaches are the best for you

I feel / am exactly like this and I have autism. Not diagnosed until I was 36. I can’t work at all. Some of that is down to the autoimmune issues I also have but a lot of it is simply that I can’t cope with it, being around people, the stress of it all, the sense of needing to do things at certain times. I was a very high achiever at school - got offered a place at Oxford etc but declined to take it as I couldn’t face leaving my family home. And since then it’s just been one awful stressful situation after another, longest job I’ve ever had is 4 years ish. Can’t stand it. Thankfully met my dh who is happy for me to stay home and I get high rate PIP indefinitely so I manage. But sometimes I do feel such a failure and like I could be doing so much more. I do a lot of voluntary work online to support people with my health issues and that’s enough for me, I can shut the screen and walk away. Can’t do that in real life. Get investigated for autism.

That also describes me!

I would say a possible diagnosis for autism/ADHD might be something you want to look into.

I had a huge breakdown about 4 months ago and was off work for almost two months and I am waiting for a formal autism diagnosis.

I have years behind me of not coping in office environments and although I am capable of doing the job my mental health always becomes an issue sooner or later.

I work part-time right now and I am looking at getting a fully remote role. I think accepting that we work best in certain circumstances is also important. I am no longer forcing myself to fit in the full-time/in office model because frankly I just can't do it.

I struggle with noise, having to talk to people and taking public transports is an absolute nightmare.

I have considered autism and ADHD but neither seem to properly fit...

I've done several adult autism tests and I'm always in the normal range. I have 2 siblings with autism, but I just don't seem to match with the symptoms of it even in highly masked women. I'm very shy and socially awkward but I can interpret facial expressions/read people, have no special interests, can do spontaneous things, like noisy concerts/theatres etc.

ADHD when I do tests I do get results indicating possible ADHD but I don't remember having the symptoms in childhood (before 12). I remember I used to zone out and stare out the window a lot in school but I always did my work and got good grades.

HSP (highly sensitive person) ? There are some good books on it.

Stop beating yourself up for starters. Were you shown love and unconditional affection as a child? Or was it just about academic achievements? Get to grips with your body and emotions, learn to love yourself etc. It's worth finding out who you really are

This is me also

I was going to suggest those diagnosis.
I say that as someone who had an eating disorder and panic attacks at 22.
Had to have around year off work with therapy.
Completely struggled with little kids.
Threw my self into work as socializing is too hard and anxiety through the rough.
I'm awaiting ADHD assessment and suspect I have autism too.
I would suggest volunteering as something to get experience on your CV.
Don't overdo think it too much as I've managed to work for almost 40 yrs despite some blips.

I'm better outside of work than you, OP, but your experience of work is mine completely. The only work I was ever able to do with something approaching ease was coding work for market research that I did at home and basically just research as when I was studying post grad. Everything else, I'd fuck up so badly, my mental health was a nightmare and I couldn't figure out why or what was wrong with me. I still haven't figured it out. Currently not working due to health issues which mean I probably never will again which was almost a relief because it meant I wouldn't be fucking up left right and centre again.

Don’t write yourself off yet - it does sound as if you’re not a good fit for the jobs you’ve chosen before. I sounds like you need something less deadline driven next time.

start with general life, then work and when you get that sorted.

start small, work out what is making you overwhelmed at the supermarket for example. Is it not knowing what to buy, where things are, too many people? Go at a quiet time, when you know what to buy and increase in small steps until you feel comfortable.

i think you can self refer for CBT as well.

I think you need to see your GP. You should be on ESA and PIP for your debilitating symptoms, even before you receive 'official' diagnosis. Could you try and see the local community MH team? I suffer from extreme anxiety and severe depressive disorder, and severe PTSD symptoms though getting diagnosed on the NHS is difficult as I'm scared of psych doctors due to being sectioned before. I hope you can find some help. You are not alone.

What have you tried so far to manage this? Antidepressants/beta blockers for the anxiety? CBT? I personally believe instead of just searching for an answer, you should search for solution. I am likely ADHD but I don't need the diagnosis, I needed to learn to manage and create coping skills in order to live my life.

Leaving aside the issue of neuro-divergence and thinking about people in your sort of situation who aren't able to get PIP, would it be useful for posters to suggest types of employment that might allow for minimal interaction, calm, quiet etc? It just occured to me that in the last few days I've been in a few places such as a clothing alteration shop, a bathroom showroom talking to the stock manager, an independent second hand bookshop and a little gift shop. None had more than two employees, all self directed by the look of it. Assuming you do need to work, is one part of the solution to identify those types of employment?

I need to read up but could say all the same things and have been wondering g about adhd and autism....

Seems there are many of us.

I would love to settle on a career I could cope with. As ex Cambridge I am obviously bright....but it hasn't translated into earning (became an overwhelmed teacher]

When you say you’ve done tests….do you mean online self-administered tests? Or have you seen a professional? (clinical psychologist, I would imagine)

A family member was diagnosed recently with autism…it was a surprise to me because she’s masked so well all her life, I’d not realised, although I have a fair amount of experience of autism.

The shyness and awkwardness you mention is suggestive of autism, and the facade, and overwhelm from work and supermarkets. But maybe you have other issues instead. It might make you feel better about yourself if you knew you had a ‘condition’ that makes certain things hard.

In your position, I would try to think about things you are good at, and if you can’t think of anything and that makes you feel terrible, perhaps it would be helpful to discuss your concerns with your doctor.

Some good advice on this thread.

You’re definitely not alone in your experience and feelings OP.

And modern life has got a lot to answer for.

You might like to think about which things are actually a problem and are upsetting you versus what you might be able to accept. This could mean thinking about what you want and value rather than what other people think you should be like or should be doing.

For example, you might find that you don’t mind and don’t have to shop in a supermarket. You could order online or choose to buy things in smaller independent shops or a farm shop etc.

I’m a bit like this but don’t have autism or ADHD. I do have dyspraxia though.

Diagnosed with GAD and waiting on ADHD. I've always felt unfit for life too. I appear high functioning but behind closed doors there are panic attacks, endless rumination, floods of tears. I have to pull myself together on a daily basis only to collapse again.

ADHD when I do tests I do get results indicating possible ADHD but I don't remember having the symptoms in childhood (before 12). I remember I used to zone out and stare out the window a lot in school but I always did my work and got good grades.

I think the reason ADHD is missed in childhood for a lot of girls is that unless you are severely hyperactive or had a very strict parent, the symptoms don't necessarily cause a huge amount of problems.

I would have said that my ADHD symptoms didn't really start until age 14, but the more I look back at my childhood the more I see signs. They didn't particularly present as a problem, but they were there - I was a daydreamer, always useless at sports (uncoordinated and poor reactions), I had a million brilliant ideas but just as many unfinished craft projects, I was scruffy - every photo of me has my hair falling out of my ponytail, my cardigan is skew-whiff, my skirt is tucked into my knickers. I couldn't ride a bike without stabilisers until I was 12, or swim. I never knew how to be "cool" or popular, was definitely in the "weird" crowd at secondary school. I said exactly the wrong things at the worst times that made everyone laugh at me. I loved reading but I was always reading about 3 books at a time, not just one. I did homework at the last possible moment, even though I did always do it (I fell behind more at 16+) every long project, coursework etc I would leave until the last minute and then not have time to complete it properly. My bedroom floor was a complete mystery colour, because you could literally never see it under all of the piles of paper. I have always been fussy about clothing textures. I never learned my maths times tables, I just got really good at calculating them quickly. All my school reports said "Bertie is a pleasure to teach but she would do much better if she wasn't so distracted" or that I did good work but I should try to be faster. I cried very easily and was anxious about things like a broken window at my ballet class, or a grate in the floor at nursery. I was scared of public toilets and tree roots, to the point I would wet myself/not be able to walk past a tree with exposed roots. I used to chew my clothing to bits, I chewed my bed, I chewed every pen/pencil I owned, I sucked my thumb way past the "normal" age.

What I didn't actually know until I started seeing these behaviours in DS2 and told my mum about them is that I would display hyperactive/tantrum type behaviour particularly after nursery and after school in the first couple of years. I don't remember this and my mum found it frustrating so there isn't any record of it.