To think I'm not fit for not just work, but life itself?

[notfitforlife]

On paper I am educated with a masters degree and a first class degree, I've had a couple of good jobs but it took everything to do that and I still ended up having my mental health take such a hit I had to take time off sick/quit. The more I reflect on my life I just think I'm not really fit for life. Everything is so unbelievably difficult and always has been for me. I can still feel the visceral sense of dread I had even back at nursery. I don't think I've ever been happy

Like I had a full time job for around 18 months but 4 of those were unpaid sick leave, and the rest of the time I'd be struggling to concentrate or crying during work hours and working until midnight or waking up at 5am to finish work to meet my deadlines. I'd avoid going into the office as when I was there I could never concentrate, my head felt foggy and I'd cry on the way home from the exhaustion of it.

I'm now unemployed once again after being unable to cope and I just feel like there's nothing I feel good enough for. Even a hotel cleaner asks for previous experience, and my mind is already thinking of all the things that could go wrong like I could mix the wrong cleaning chemicals or forget to clean something or be too slow.

I can't even walk around a supermarket without feeling so overwhelmed it feels like my head feels all fuzzy and I can't focus. I can't drive because I find it overwhelming. I still live with parents as when I attempted to move out for university I had a breakdown and couldn't cope with it.

If you came across me you'd think I was intelligent and 'normal', but it's the biggest facade.

Also, I think people who are intelligent commonly mask neurodivergence or it is seen as a "quirk" related to intelligence whereas later in life this isn't enough any more.

Thank you all.

@BobbyBiscuits I do want to see my GP but after doing some reading it seems most people who go about potential autism or ADHD go armed with long written descriptions of how they meet the criteria in order to convince their GP to refer them for assessment. I feel so lost that I wouldn't even know what to ask for from the GP

@Stressfordays I've been on citalopram for nearly 2 years and have tried CBT which wasn't helpful as I feel like my issues are more pervasive and across every area of my life that changing my thoughts about a tiny sliver of my life was like a drop in the ocean.

@BibbleandSqwauk Yes that probably would be helpful. I did have a job which was good most of the time as I was working with a small consistent group of people and had a very clear and repetitive routine. However, I still ended up leaving as my colleagues kept making mistakes and my manager was blaming all of us for it and I took it really badly as I'm really sensitive, I ended up spending an entire week of annual leave crying about it and worrying I was going to be fired.

@Keepingongoing Self-administered online tests, but ones that are validated and used by GPs to see if they want to refer you. I do find it hard to interpret the questions though so I may not be doing them correctly. I do think having an answer would help me, I have so much guilt and shame about myself and how my life has ended up, it would help me have more understanding and compassion for myself

@BertieBotts See I was the complete opposite of that, which is why I think it can't be ADHD for me. I was always neat and tidy, a complete goody two shoes. I'd forget my homework until the first time a teacher told me off for it and I then burst into tears and never let myself forget ever again. I'd cry any time I'd get told off. My room was always tidy as it was my sanctuary, I'd spend a lot of time alone. My Mum doesn't remember me having any meltdowns after school or anything.

How did you get on at university and then doing a Master's? Were you able to concentrate, understand, research, write essays/papers etc?

No wonder you've had brain fog / make mistakes if you're anxious all the time. Sounds like you need to see a therapist / psychologist.

Anxiety and intelligence go hand in hand, most of the school refusers, are highly academic.

You sound just like me, I always wondered why i found every single step of life so hard.

For years whilst kid was being diagnosed that I couldn’t possibly be autistic. then i had a massive burnout/ breakdown and was diagnosed.

Life’s not easier when you know, as such, but you can be kinder to yourself and build a life that works better, rather than constantly trying to keep up and failing.

I'd cry any time I'd get told off.
Identifier for adhd girls - 'Why is she always crying?'
No meltdowns - shutdowns, though? Going quiet, staying in your room?
I do find it hard to interpret the questions though
😂But you're not autistic... 😂 If someone asks us a question we need to ask a dozen qualifying questions of our own before we answer.
I have so much guilt and shame about myself
Yes. Neurospicy. Quite often we feel that.
a very clear and repetitive routine.
Very popular with autistics. I'm a carer for my dad. I do the same things, same way, every day. They've become rituals. They make me happy.
CBT which wasn't helpful
There's a kick-ass kind which is much better. First-contact cbt, death by a thousand worksheets, useless. Aside, about changing small things - I overcame my lifelong depression when I learned to focus on 'this moment, now' and "bank" every happy/contented moment. It's surprising how many there are.
GP etc
See the GP first. Talk about what's wrong in your life that you'd like to talk about with a therapist. You'll be put on a waiting list, hopefully for a clinical psychologist but probably for all sorts of lower level 'counselling'. Took me years to work up to the real thing but she was worth it. You can start making a life timeline of your symptoms/behaviours to fill in the time while you wait. Don't be afraid. By the time you get your diagnosis, you'll know far more about your conditions than any of them!

I think you may have ADHD. I do. That overwhelm in shops. I can't focus in supermarkets. Trying to Christmas shop in a mall is worse. I always leave empty handed, in tears, five hours later.

I've recently started taking ADHD drugs and feel clear headed and at peace, as well as more productive.

DS, who has inherited ADHD from me and autism from his dad, poor lad, takes Sertraline as it hugely helps his anxiety. That is certainly something you could contact GP about. ADHD drugs are harder to get on NHS and may be a private prescription.

Forgive unsolicited advice, but my take on your situation is this:
You are not failing at life. There is not One Good way to do life. There are infinite ways. Being a couch potato would be fine. Having a first class degree but working as a bartender or sheepshearer is also perfectly fine. Loads of people take that sort of route in life. You don't have to earn badges of honour to be allowed to live. Read Morimoto's Rental Man Who Does Nothing. It might be of some comfort. Youy are allowed ot just exist, smell the roses, enjoy moments of life, reflect on others. You don;t have to be on any career treadmill. It is not the only option.

I discovered I just can't work for others,. But I can work for myself, on my own terms, doing my own hours. You are obviously bright and tenacious enough to have two degrees. Look into what aspect of them you excelled out and how you can monetise it as a self-employed person. Tutoring, technical writing, editing, coding etc all suit this work style.

It sounds as if your anxiety is so high that you're constantly scanning for threat. Particularly in relation to work. I can get this when I'm tired/ over worked / with new people. I think I'm going to get fired and it becomes overwhelming as it's all I can think about and I constantly turn up evidence that it's 'true'. I've had medication at times that reduces the physical feelings of panic which helps break the cycle and CBT and counselling. These have all helped to an extent. What has helped in a sustainable way and alongside this is finding one or two people at work I can speak to and I've told them how I feel. They will let me check in and reassure me which is usually enough to spot the spiral. The tricky bit is building up trust takes time doesn't it.

I was very much a 'worrier' as a child and remember that feeling of dread. I'm probably highly sensitive too. I try on good days to see this as my strength but I know it's hard.

It's ok if you need to take a bit of time to work out what's next. That doesn't mean you're not cut out for life. More that life is bloody hard work!

Another one to jump in and suggest neurodivergence. I was diagnosed ADHD at 45, but now identify with a lot of ND traits. Supposedly on paper intelligent but always failing, complex problems easy but easy things hard, lifelong mental health conditions including fairly constant anxiety.

Fatigue is another symptom I have had which is related. Diagnosis has allowed me self compassion amd stimulant mess helped the anxiety in a way specific anxiety meds never did. Don't get me wrong, some things are still a struggle but at least i now understand why.

You have described me, I am wondering about autism as my child recently diagnosed. Not much help but sending solidarity

Sorry this has ended up quite a long reply...

At university I coped by skipping nearly every lecture, I would instead stay home in my PJs and go through the content by myself and teach myself it. If I did go to a lecture, I could only concentrate if I wrote down every word the lecture and I would sit at the back on my own.

I was perfectionist so always wanted to get the highest grades I could, but would overshoot and do very well and always think I did worse in exams/assignments than I actually did. I had no friends at university, in lab classes (I did a science subject) I would stand around on my own waiting for the teacher to pair me with someone as I didn't know how to approach someone to ask. I was a mess in the labs, completely overwhelmed, no idea what I was doing or why and I'd have to over-prepare and write myself very simple instructions before each practical class to try and keep up with everyone else. People would notice and ask if I was ok, so I'd just lie and say I had a headache/wasn't feeling well to kind of give an excuse. I was the same way in cooking and science practical classes at secondary school.

In seminars I wouldn't speak at all, even though I would have done so much preparation and reading for them and would have things I could have contributed. It's an unconscious rule I gave myself when I was in year 2 of primary school and answered a maths question wrong and was laughed at - I've never voluntarily answered a question in class since.

For essays I'd get really into researching them as I loved my subject area, I'd read like 50 papers for a short essay, I loved reading them and putting it all together like a puzzle. I would procrastinate though and be finishing it in the middle of the night before the deadline, often doing all nighters completely unnecessarily.

Just been catching up on this thread after a break. @notfitforlife , thank you so much for this thread, it has made me reflect on my relative who was recently diagnosed with autism, and understand a little more. .

Just picking up a few things. You mention what ‘most people’ do when going to the GP - but going to your GP isn’t an exam, where you have to find the ‘correct’ way to present your problem. Or it shouldn’t be. If you feel that you aren’t getting anywhere with the GP you see, you’re entirely within your rights to go back and see another.

It sounds like a diagnosis - whatever that turns out to be - would be very helpful to you. If nothing else, it would give you a sort of route map. And ending the guilt and shame is so important. Things may feel very different for you then.

I'm the same OP, down to the Masters and 1st class degree. I know I am talented at what I do and have won awards for my work but I don't have the networking or business skills to make it work for me properly and I am no good a holding down a proper job. I am lucky I have a highish earning husband who looks after me financially and lets me do what I love even though it doesn't bring that much cash. I am literally like Giles off googlebox but not as posh.

How considerate and useful your comment is 🤨

How do you know you have ADHD if not diagnosed by a professional? Not asking snarkily, genuinely curious as see a few people saying the same.

I remember I used to zone out and stare out the window a lot in school but I always did my work and got good grades.

Tbf this doesn't necessarily preclude it. Sometimes you can seemingly have an odd blend where some symptoms stand out more than others. I'm dyspraxic (diagnosed in primary school) and defo write like a child, struggle with things like drawings, but I can drive 40 ton trucks around the city centre in rush hour without blinking an eye - didn't hit a single car in six years of driving them.

I've also got ADHD and am one hell of a procrastinator but I got good results and have the stubbornness to push through. That said, I'm trying to get back on ritalin as feel I shouldn't have stopped (been waiting a year now).

This thread has encouraged me to go for a private diagnosis. Thank you.

Spend a decade or two learning about these conditions and learning about yourself and it becomes clear. The 'professionals' are far less likely to know. Always be wary of them.

This sounds so similar to my experience of University. I was diagnosed with Asperger’s at 36. It was a relief to have an explanation as to why I found life so difficult. I’ve learnt to be more compassionate towards myself, there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with me, I’m just differently wired. I would encourage you to read about autism in women, and approach your GP for an assessment. There are a lot of resources, charities, support groups etc out there which can help you with your difficulties, from employment to living independently. Good luck!

Not the point of this thread, but I like stand up comedy, love loud music and don't have issues with 'loud' public spaces such as clubs or concert and I'm very definitely autistic. My brother has much higher support needs than I do and he also loves loud music and theme park rides. I do get startled really easily, but only if a loud noise is unexpected. I'm sensory seeking and love to play my music as loud as possible, love to be touched and hugged, and I love all manner of strangely textured food and trying new things. Nobody in my family has a problem understanding facial expressions, so it's probably partly genetic. Try make a change to my living space unexpectedly though, and I'll scream.

I've decided that I'll contact my GP tomorrow and ask for an appointment to discuss all of this. I'm not really sure what to say, I have a bad habit of minimising my concerns and putting on an act in appointments even when I'm struggling. Does anyone have any advice on what to say or how to bring it up? Would it be better to focus on just one thing (i.e. autism OR ADHD) or be honest and say I'm not sure what's wrong but feel like something is?

Really grateful to everyone who has posted on here, it's been so helpful

@notfitforlife could you pull out together what you've posted here. So the background of what's concerning you, your history, how that's impacting you, and what you might like to happen next (even if that's you don't know what do you think). You could bullet point it under those headings if that's a helpful framework. I think you have most of the info already?

I think someone said it before, it's not an exam there is no right way to be a patient but it sounds as if having a structure would help you a bit

If the first visit doesn't go well you can try again with someone else. You deserve to find what makes you happy

I have ADHD and struggle in appointments as I forget things I wanted to say, things come out wrong and I can get flustered. So for years now I write it all down. I can structure my thoughts, make what I want to say concise and make sure I ask for what I want. It also means that the note is saved on my medical records which create less confusion in the records (doctors often repo things slightly incorrectly ime) and also means you are less likely to be fobbed off.

I was worried when I first started doing it but every single doctor I've seen has reacted well to it. I think they like that you get to the point and everything is written down and clear. Makes it easier I suspect.

So if you think you will underplay when you are under pressure with the doctor looking at you, write it all down when you are at home as you've written it here. Then you won't crumble under pressure!