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AIBU?

Is a 4 hour round trip too much for contact?

54 replies

Soberthoughts · 12/02/2024 22:55

I hate exdp and everything he does so really need some perspective on this. Ex is extremely unreliable. Will see the dc for 1 or 2 nights per month. He moved 100 miles away a few months ago but was travelling closer for contact. He has now bought a car and wants to take dc back to his new place for contact. The journey there takes 2 hours, so would drive them 2 hours on a Saturday back to his, then 2 hours home again on Sunday. He has no ties to new location. Found a new job there 3 months ago and will most likely quit that soon ( when cms catch up to him)

I work full time so dc are in wrap-around childcare all week. They are usually exhausted by the weekend so I know this extra travelling time will wipe them out. Would ibu to say he can only have them once every 3 weeks? Or is my hatred of him clouding my judgement? Dc are 7 and 10 years old.

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

170 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
66%
You are NOT being unreasonable
34%
Itsbeginingtolookalotlikexmas · 12/02/2024 22:57

It’s not too far to travel. Being in the car is chill time anyway. He sounds like a dick for unnecessarily moving away from his children though.

PutMyFootIn · 12/02/2024 22:59

Yes thats a lot of travel for such young children on top of an already full on week at school. Can he have them less often but for longer periods instead?

notknowledgeable · 12/02/2024 22:59

They will cope- it is no more than travelling an hour to a place and an hour back again in one day, is it. They might enjoy the journey, have some good conversations and quality time together

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 12/02/2024 22:59

It’s too far.

Parents split up. That’s life. Quite often when it happens it’s the best thing to do in the circumstances.

Whats not ok is from that point not prioritising the children - ie living close to the other parent if at all possible, paying maintenance if not the rp, everyone agreeing sensible contact times, both parents prioritising having a safe and stable home for the kids etc.

Watercolourpapier · 12/02/2024 23:03

They'll be fine. Seeing their dad is important.

WaitingForMojo · 12/02/2024 23:12

It’s shitty of him to move away, and it is a long journey. However, not seeing their dad is worse for their wellbeing than being a bit tired. If he took it to court, I doubt a court would support once every 3 weeks.

mondaytosunday · 12/02/2024 23:14

It seems fine. Some people travel that far further work every day! And while in the car - great chance for chatting with his kids. Better the travel than not seeing him.

Katemax82 · 12/02/2024 23:15

When my husband had full custody of his 2 ds we had to drive 2 hours every other week to.meet his ex halfway between homes, so the kids ended up doing 4 hours there Friday then 4 hours back Sunday every other week. The courts seemed to think this was ok (it was hell on earth). It depends if your dc mind the travelling

TeenLifeMum · 12/02/2024 23:15

Get them neck pillows and they can sleep in the car on the journey. 2 hours each way over 2 days is fine. Not saying ex isn’t a dick but dc will usually benefit from seeing both parents. At least he’s not expecting you to drive half way.

TwylaSands · 12/02/2024 23:18

TeenLifeMum · 12/02/2024 23:15

Get them neck pillows and they can sleep in the car on the journey. 2 hours each way over 2 days is fine. Not saying ex isn’t a dick but dc will usually benefit from seeing both parents. At least he’s not expecting you to drive half way.

This. They’l nap.

Soberthoughts · 12/02/2024 23:21

Ok, thank you everyone. I did suspect I was bu. I just hate him 😒

OP posts:
cardibach · 12/02/2024 23:21

I moved away with DD when she was 5. It wasn’t me being shitty. It was just life. We were 4 hours away from her dad. She went every 3rd weekend and half the holidays. It was fine. She has a great relationship with him (she’s 28 now). Mind you, neither of us were trying to be dicks so we made it work.

LilBus · 12/02/2024 23:21

It’s completely fine, my ex wanted our kids to do 4 hours in one day (he wouldn’t have them overnight) so be thankful it’s not that! It’s absolutely fine.

LilBus · 12/02/2024 23:22

Soberthoughts · 12/02/2024 23:21

Ok, thank you everyone. I did suspect I was bu. I just hate him 😒

Don’t let that affect your children..

cardibach · 12/02/2024 23:22

Katemax82 · 12/02/2024 23:15

When my husband had full custody of his 2 ds we had to drive 2 hours every other week to.meet his ex halfway between homes, so the kids ended up doing 4 hours there Friday then 4 hours back Sunday every other week. The courts seemed to think this was ok (it was hell on earth). It depends if your dc mind the travelling

Why was it hell on earth? I did it. It took Friday and Sunday evening, but it was fine.

Tinkerbyebye · 12/02/2024 23:24

He can pick them up Friday night bring back Sunday so they get a full day. But if he is as bad as you say then realistic oh how long will he do this for?

its fine,they get to see their dad

Soberthoughts · 12/02/2024 23:24

LilBus · 12/02/2024 23:22

Don’t let that affect your children..

Oh I don't. That's why I came here to ask. There's an enormous backstory but I'm trying not to let that effect the here and now. The frustrating thing is, it will all change again in a few months and there will be a new sob story.

OP posts:
Wish44 · 12/02/2024 23:35

I do it… and have done EOW and half the holidays for 6 years now and probably got another 6 to go! I drive to his on a Friday and he returns them on a Sunday. It’s just part of life now for all of us. We have little rituals… stopping at a certain garage for snacks … listening to certain podcasts…. We also go on the train sometimes. It was hard when they were really small but now it’s ok.

TeenLifeMum · 12/02/2024 23:37

@Soberthoughts on the plus side you’re unlikely to have to bump into him and his girlfriend in the local supermarket.

SmokedPaprikaPuffs · 12/02/2024 23:50

Would it work for him to have them less often, but for 2 nights in a row instead? So less travelling back and forth in general and 2 nights in between them having to go there and back.

JMSA · 13/02/2024 03:25

YABU ... sorry Flowers

rwalker · 13/02/2024 05:29

Kids will survive a 2 hour journey if there that tired it’ll be a good chance for them to sleep in the car

Pheeeeebs · 13/02/2024 05:39

They will be fine, just do not get into the trap of assisting the drive. He moved, his problem. Make sure they have stuff to do, be the very last person he can blame if it is not a sustainable plan.

Mumof2teens79 · 13/02/2024 05:43

I have close friends who have travelled further every 2 weeks because their ex-wives have moved away with the children.....in some cases via trains as they had no car.
There is no reason travelling....being driven in a car...should make them more tired. They can sleep on the journey.

Newestname002 · 13/02/2024 08:09

@Soberthoughts

Is he planning on doing this every weekend- and you do the standard drudge during the week? I'd say he can collect them from your home and returns them to your home every other weekend, so you can have some relaxing/chill out time with them on the weekends you have them. 🌹

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