Is a 4 hour round trip too much for contact?

[Soberthoughts]

I hate exdp and everything he does so really need some perspective on this. Ex is extremely unreliable. Will see the dc for 1 or 2 nights per month. He moved 100 miles away a few months ago but was travelling closer for contact. He has now bought a car and wants to take dc back to his new place for contact. The journey there takes 2 hours, so would drive them 2 hours on a Saturday back to his, then 2 hours home again on Sunday. He has no ties to new location. Found a new job there 3 months ago and will most likely quit that soon ( when cms catch up to him)

I work full time so dc are in wrap-around childcare all week. They are usually exhausted by the weekend so I know this extra travelling time will wipe them out. Would ibu to say he can only have them once every 3 weeks? Or is my hatred of him clouding my judgement? Dc are 7 and 10 years old.

Perhaps not applicable in your case, but one of the best decisions a close friend made was swapping houses for contact. As the kids got older they didn't want a weekend staying at dads as they had clubs and things on, but they wanted to see dad, so he moved into their house and mum moved into his. Involved trust on both sides, but it worked well for the kids.

2 hour journey is nothing. Both mine at that age would've napped in the car. I think you're just thinking of excuses, which I also think you know.

Wow, what a good idea. And how responsible of these parents.

Only 2 hours each way and it not same day? My ex-StepDD had to travel that between West and North Yorkshire every other weekend and special dates or longer holidays Her Mum and Stepfather had to drive to ours by court agreement as we didn't drive. 9 times out 10 she slept in car if she was tired. It's 4 hours in a car doing nothing. Unless he's a baby it's not going to kill your DS.

I can’t imagine the op allowing her ex to stay at her house! Doesnt sound like they get on and I do agree with about making excuses.. but I don’t imagine many people would allow their ex to move in

My partner has to do 2 hours each way every other week (his ex moved back to where she is from so not really her fault). The kids cope pretty well to be honest. It is very tiring for him though especially in Friday night traffic after a day at work as well as costing a fair bit in fuel. But he wouldn't not do it unless there was a situation out of his control. It sounds like your ex isn't particularly committed so it probably will fizzle a bit to every 3 weeks without your input anyway. Try to bite your tounge and give him the chance - for your kids sake not his!

No it wouldn't work here, but I threw it in, as sometimes what works for someone else can help us find a solution just seeing how others do it. There were teething troubles and things that annoyed them both, but it meant the girls could carry on with their social lives, they didn't lose 4 hours of their weekend traveling. Mum didn't always stay at dads, she had weekends with friends, but they did it for a good few years and it just became routine.

Your kids can nap in the car. It's important for them to see their dad so I would go with it and see how it goes.

That sounds ideal for the dc but definitely wouldn't work in this case! Ex is a weapons grade wanker and I won't have him set foot in my home.

I appreciate all the replies and I'm happy I posted for a sense check.

I wouldn't worry too much about and just support the contact. If he is the wanker that you know - his travelling will be 4 hours each way ie. 8 hrs travelling each weekend - it won't last

It's poor that he doesn't want to live nearer the kids. But doing that journey every other weekend will be fine for them. Keep the peace. If he suggests something which might be really damaging for him, you might need to argue. They will be fine with this, it isn't worth the stress.

I think your first sentence might spell out your agenda....

Yabu that is not too far at all. Don't be 'that' mum.

I have valid reasons to hate the ex, but I'm not interested in withholding contact unless it's necessary. This is a man that announced he was moving back to his home country and that a lawyer had told him we could share custody. They would live 6 months in the UK and 6 months in his country. When that didn't work he was going to court to get a paper to force me to put the dc on a plane (alone) to visit him in his country. He'd read somewhere that you can sign a form to allow dc to travel alone on a plane (the dc were 4 and 6 years old at the time 🙄). I'm constantly having to fend off batshit requests and it's hard to see the wood for the trees sometimes.

In light of your last post about batshit requests, I don’t think this falls into the same category, although I can totally see how you feel stressed out and mucked around.
If your ex now has a job and a home, albeit 100 miles away, this could mean more stability than previously. The questions I would be thinking are more to do with whether you have any concerns about their safety. If not, then how flexible you can both be in case of parties or weekend activities. I do think, even if you dislike their dad, it will benefit both you and your DC if you can be amicable enough about this to discuss what works best.
It may be that after a couple of months, it is clear that 100 miles each way is too much for every other weekend, but you will have tried it and be in a better place to decide what could work better.
I totally get your frustrations, but unless there are safety concerns, it is better for the DC to have a relationship with their dad. Unfortunately, because you had DC with him (and that is not a judgement, been there done that with an idiot), it falls to you to navigate the crap on their behalf and make sure the contact happens in a way they can manage. In this case, it will no doubt mean that you have the cranky and tired kids to deal with on the Sunday but you just have to have a swift routine for dinner, bathtime, bed, (and lots of cuddles).

It is far, but it's important for the kids to see their dad. Could you have him collect them on a Friday from school, break up the journey with dinner? That way they can wake up fresher on the Saturday to get more of a weekend.

Good luck with it, it must be hugely frustrating for you.

He sounds like a tosser but you chose to have kids with him.

I sincerely doubt that his personality did a complete 180 after becoming a father.

So your ex is going to do all that driving, look after two kids all weekend and then drive back, he’ll be bloody knackered, can’t see it lasting. Let him do this if he wants, as others have said it’ll prob fizzle out after a few weeks anyway if he’s previously been unreliable. If you argue against it it will be used against you as you being unreasonable so let’s things naturally take their course. Whatever you do don’t be drawn into having to meet have way or you do one way he so the other, he is the one that has chosen to move

The actual traveling isn't so bad but what affected mine was not being able to do any activities on a weekend. realistically you can't sign up to a club or team and then.not be there eow. Mine missed out on several things that simply weren't available through the week and now they are teens they quite resent that. Everyone will say time with dad is more important and it sort of is but these things are also important and what's fine at 4/6 isn't fine at 12/14. Just saying be prepared to move things about as they grow.

@GuinnessBird I don’t know the situation for the OP but that is exactly what some men do after having a baby.

you could say that they were always tossers but they certainly hide it completely until they are married and have/or have a baby.

it is victim blaming to suggest that the woman should have known.

I'm just utterly fed up with women having children with tossers and then moaning that said person is a tosser.

I refuse to believe that every bloke who is a tosser magically becomes one after becoming a father.

There were red flags and they were ignored.

Sounds like he's been pretty flakey so it may not be a long term issue. It's doable , do your children travel OK, is his driving OK? I would appear more than reasonable and let it play out and keep a note of what happens for when he comes up with his next plan.

@GuinnessBird Then perhaps mumsnet is not for you? Plenty of women on here dealing with men that turned into wankers after divorce.

On the off chance that you're genuinely interested and not just here to stick the boot in, my ex does an amazing impression of being a normal, reasonable, compassionate human being. He made it through his 20s and 30s riding on his good looks and charming personality. Unfortunately now, the looks are fading, the cheeky chappie act is getting pathetic as he pushes 40, and his face is beginning to contort into the bitter, spiteful character he actually is. There absolutely were signs in the beginning, but he was great at putting on a sob story to explain them away. I was also very naive and trusting and completely hold my hands up to that. He hasn't done a 180, but I'd say close to 150 since we broke up. He discards people once they are no longer useful to him. Now I have to try and protect the dc from further harm.

How do you know there were red flags?
why do you refuse to believe people change/hide behaviour ?
you do see that you are putting all the responsibility on women here?
the world is full of scammers…. Blaming their victims is unfair…. Tbh even if there were a few red flags ( which there certainly are not always) they will be small behaviours and it takes life experience to be able to read them…. Young women who have children don't have life experience .

you are lucky maybe that you have never been on the end of bad behaviour… you may tell yourself that you haven’t as you are really good at picking good people….. but perhaps you are just lucky.

Thank to everyone that gave helpful, constructive advice. I'm going to let it play out until he moves on to the next job/house/gf/friendship group.