Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think having a favourite child is weird?

103 replies

Surnami · 12/02/2024 19:21

I have two brothers and growing up we did used to joke about who was the favourite but I genuinely don't believe that my parents had one and I think my brothers feel the same.

My dad is closer with the middle child and my mum is perhaps very slightly closer to the youngest and oldest but I definitely don't believe they love or even like us different amounts.

My DH is so blatantly the favourite that it's uncomfortable. Both he and his sister are very aware and when it's mentioned his parents haven't ever even really argued with it. Not only is he very obviously liked more but he's treated differently too. It's quite extreme.

My DH does not seem to think that this is weird at all. He acknowledges he is the favourite but has the attitude that "someone has to be". He thinks all parents have favourites and that anyone who says otherwise is lying.

I don't think he's right but I do sometimes doubt myself. I really don't think my parents have a favourite but they wouldn't tell me if they did.

We have one DS at the moment but both of us would like more. However if it really is this big secret truth that everyone has a favourite then I'd be a bit nervous of having another as it just seems so awful.

OP posts:
ghostyslovesheets · 12/02/2024 21:47

Hellostrawberries · 12/02/2024 21:01

For me there's a difference between favouritism and favourite. I have two young adult daughters. There's no favouritism whatsoever. I would never do anything for one and not the other. But ... DD1, as is completely normal at 21, finds me completely boring. She only comes to life when she's with her friends and bf and makes minimal attempt at conversation with me. DD2 on the other hand adores me. She always wants to talk to me and tells me everything that's going on in her life. She's my favourite one to spend time with.

Very similar here - although if you asked any of my 3 who was 'the favourite' they'd all give different answers

DD1 is 21 and we had a very rough time 12-18 me and her! She now describes me as her best friends, we talk a lot, laugh and generally just get one well.

DD2 - 19 - we always had a loving relationship but recently (since moving to Uni) she's started to make me the bad one - I get a lot of blame and anger from her - which I take and try to discuss - only to get told I'm gaslighting her (I'm really not) so it strained at the moment. Would I walk into fire for her - without a seconds hesitation I love her with all my heart.

DD3 is 15 and a moody minx but we have a good relationship - I love her dearly and would admit - if forced- that she's a bit spoilt being the 'baby' - but it's just us at home most of the time so she does get more of my attention

I would still say I love them all equally - but our relationships can change

Scottishskifun · 12/02/2024 21:54

My brother is convinced I'm the favourite or the golden child reality actually is that he's had far more support financially, housing etc (and still does) whereas I just got on with it and was financially independent from 18. My mum makes no secret that its me on POA forms and executor of wills etc but this is because I'm the sensible one both practically and financially it's not to do with being favourite.

I don't have a favourite between my children I love them both equally. We do reassure DS1 as he does say DS2 is the favourite but we point out that DS2 has just turned 2 which means he still doesn't understand a lot whereas DS1 who's 5 knows to only draw on paper with pencils and shouldn't copy his little brother!

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 12/02/2024 21:58

AhBiscuits · 12/02/2024 19:28

I absolutely don't have a favourite, both of my children are wonderful in their own ways.
When I think about my SIL I feel like she MUST have a favourite, because one of her children is lovely and the other is a fucking nightmare.

Haha 😛 Yeah I think you can like one child more than the other (for me this changes on a daily basis) but definitely love them the same.

Mariposistaaa · 12/02/2024 22:00

AhBiscuits · 12/02/2024 19:28

I absolutely don't have a favourite, both of my children are wonderful in their own ways.
When I think about my SIL I feel like she MUST have a favourite, because one of her children is lovely and the other is a fucking nightmare.

This! Some children are more likable than others.
Could it be though that her badly behaved child is the ‘favorite’ and he/she is a little shit because of being spoilt.

Zanatdy · 12/02/2024 22:01

I have 3 children and no I don’t have a favourite. I would say I’m closer to my eldest but only because I had him as a teenager and for a long time it was just us. But it doesn’t translate into me loving him more or treating him differently. I love all my children and they are all individuals and I love them for who they are and certainly don’t compare them or favour one over another.

I am going to be honest though. I think I’m my parents favourite child. It’s never been made really obvious and my mum would absolutely say she loved us both the same, and I’m sure she does. But maybe as I’m a daughter, but we are closer I guess (even though I don’t live local) and on my dad’s death bed he started being quite nasty to my brother, making comments to his fiancé that she should run for the hills and I had to stop that immediately. He was confused due to meds and I made a joke about that but I’m sure my brother felt hurt. It’s not nice at all and I do think my dad was a bit more vocal / or more obvious about it. Unless he was pretty critical about me when i wasn’t around too but I don’t think so.

MountainBarbie · 12/02/2024 22:02

It's so weird, but I think it comes from people who are emotionally immature and see love as transactional and can't quite understand their role as a parent. Not as bad if they never ever show it. I suppose technically my siblings could be my parents favourite but I'd never know it because they've always made us feel equally loved even if not equally liked at different stages of our lives so it doesn't bother me too much.

QueenBean22 · 12/02/2024 22:03

I think favouritism looks more obvious when the children become adults. My MIL clearly favours DIL and her husband and children.

it’s become less of a problem for me as time has gone on and my husband isn’t bothered that his sister is the favourite

AmaryllisChorus · 12/02/2024 22:04

I definitely don't have a favourite. The idea disgusts me. But I bet there have been times DS1 might have thought DS2 was the favourite, as DS2 has SEN and some physical issues so we were constantly talking about him, focusing on him, and DS1 was left to his own devices. Sometimes I overdo the love and attention on DS1 to make up for it and it's so sweet how he melts and becomes really affectionate.

AngelicInnocent · 12/02/2024 22:07

My DMs favourite child is my brothers wife. She doesn't particularly like me or my brother very much. It's no secret.

Since I have one of each, I've always told my, now grown up, DC that I have a favourite son and a favourite daughter.

wellhello24 · 12/02/2024 22:08

Anyone who displays favouritism towards one child is incredibly cruel. This is extremely damaging for the other child/children. Sure you can be naturally closer to one as they get older but to make it known they’re your favourite that’s awful. The only time I think this would ever be acceptable is where the other child grew up to be a rapist serial killer or child molesteror.

Mooda · 12/02/2024 22:10

One of my brothers is so likeable and just good at life that it's totally to my Mum's credit that she doesn't openly admit he's the favourite. The rest of us all joke that he is. I wouldn't blame her to be honest.

whathappenedno · 12/02/2024 22:12

My sister was the favourite growing up but I became the favourite in adulthood.

I actually do have a favourite. I love them all but one of them is just the best person but I try not to show it. When th eldest two joke about favourites they say the youngest is the favourite. They are wrong it's the middle one

GrumpyMiddleAgedCow · 12/02/2024 22:18

Not a favourite…one with your exact personality but that results in as many good feelings as bad! Love them all but “favourite” of the day depends on the attitude they wake up with and tomorrow is more than likely to be a different story because “favourite (if we are being real)= easiest that day”

BumpyaDaisyevna · 12/02/2024 22:21

I have one DD and one DS. I would really struggle to say which was my favourite.

I have a deep closeness with my DS because I think he is more like me as a personality- but then my DD is my girl and my first born - and there is a closeness as we are both girls and both have similar academic interests too.

I feel I instinctively understand my son more - but my DD is so different and so her own person - that I love that too.

Feel very blessed....

FMSucks · 12/02/2024 22:21

My Dsis was and still is the favourite. She has a much closer relationship to my DM than I could have ever hoped for. It’s had a huge bearing in my life, and not in a good way. Don’t underestimate the pain of knowing there’s a favourite and it’s not you.

BruFord · 12/02/2024 22:27

QueenBean22 · 12/02/2024 22:03

I think favouritism looks more obvious when the children become adults. My MIL clearly favours DIL and her husband and children.

it’s become less of a problem for me as time has gone on and my husband isn’t bothered that his sister is the favourite

@QueenBean22 Yes, my DH has never been bothered that he isn’t a favorite, he accepts it and has always been caring and attentive towards his parents, and has good relationships with his siblings.

gemloving · 12/02/2024 22:28

I don't have a favourite as I love them equally but one is a lot easier than the other.

OnOtherPlanets · 12/02/2024 22:28

These threads always involve parents saying they don’t have a favourite among their own children, but a majority of posters nonetheless identifying parents’ and grandparents’ favourites among their siblings. I think it’s chiefly that people can’t admit it to themselves, or are even unaware of it, but it’s obvious to other people. Or the reverse, a child who is obviously, if not least loved, least liked, by one or both parents. My mother used to get upset if I said it was very obvious to us all as children that a friend’s mother clearly disliked her youngest child (looking back, she must have had undiagnosed PND) — I think my mother couldn’t have admitted to herself that she had a favourite and least favourite, and felt no one should admit to noticing it in others.

Tumbleweed101 · 12/02/2024 22:35

I don’t have a favourite but I do gel with some aspects of my children more than their siblings. One of my children is far more helpful and sensitive to my needs than their siblings and I do admit at this point they are easiest to spend time with.

Tumbleweed101 · 12/02/2024 22:36

I should add most of my children are young adults now.

BruFord · 12/02/2024 22:38

@OnOtherPlanets Tbf, liking one child (esp. adult children) more than another is slightly different to loving them equally.

I’m an only, but if I think about some of my friends in larger families, some siblings have made life choices/said/done things that must make it harder for their parents to like them.

One of my school friends took drugs, was in a LTR and had children with a heroin addict, for example. You can imagine the havoc that wreaked on her family. I’m sure her parents love her and her siblings equally, but they don’t love her life choices and they may not have even liked her at times, iyswim.

Gymmum82 · 12/02/2024 22:39

My favourite is the one that is pissing me off less at the time. Which inevitably switches daily. Sometimes hourly.

My parents I don’t think had favourites. My mum is closer to my sister. My dad is closer to me. They treat us pretty much the same and always have done

Original poster
Surnami · 12/02/2024 22:45

Thank you for all the replies. Very interesting. While it's quite mixed I do feel reassured that a lot of people genuinely do not have favourites.

It is definitely awful for my DH's sister and I cannot imagine never feeling good enough like that. I will also add that it's not been very healthy for my DH either. I know a lot of "golden" children are stereotypically narcissistic but my DH is almost the opposite - he's always felt a lot of pressure to live up to the pedestal they've put him on and developed a lot of anxiety and self-esteem issues.

He's not from an Asian background. He is the youngest but was born after years of infertility treatment and as a child he had all sorts of health issues. He was "gifted" academically and grew up being told he could do no wrong.

Unfortunately there's a lot else I could add but it's difficult to be really specific without being blatantly outing. Both DH and his sister have done well for themselves now but they've both had to do a lot of work on themselves. I do think the dynamic is very odd and has been damaging to them both.

And while on reflection I do not think DH would have a favourite if we were to have multiple children, I am cautious about taking that risk.

OP posts:
MaryMary6589 · 12/02/2024 23:05

My parents don't have a favourite but DH is his parents' favourite and it's really weird. He goes out of his way to avoid them and his sister does everything for them, yet he's the golden child. SIL's husband mentioned it in his speech at their wedding and it was so awkward. It's mentioned a lot and his mum never denies it and just says that his sister has a complex about it. Well, yeah, how could you not!?

Definitely not normal and not nice at all.

Crazycatlady79 · 12/02/2024 23:53

I was my Mother's favourite and my sister was my Father's favourite. It was horribly apparent and uncomfortable.

I don't have a favourite betwixt my Twin DC: I find my relationship with Twin 1 far easier, but Twin 2 and I have way more in common.

Their father (luckily, my ex) clearly favours Twin 2 and it really pisses me off for Twin 1, as he makes it so bloody obvious.