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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think having a favourite child is weird?

103 replies

Surnami · 12/02/2024 19:21

I have two brothers and growing up we did used to joke about who was the favourite but I genuinely don't believe that my parents had one and I think my brothers feel the same.

My dad is closer with the middle child and my mum is perhaps very slightly closer to the youngest and oldest but I definitely don't believe they love or even like us different amounts.

My DH is so blatantly the favourite that it's uncomfortable. Both he and his sister are very aware and when it's mentioned his parents haven't ever even really argued with it. Not only is he very obviously liked more but he's treated differently too. It's quite extreme.

My DH does not seem to think that this is weird at all. He acknowledges he is the favourite but has the attitude that "someone has to be". He thinks all parents have favourites and that anyone who says otherwise is lying.

I don't think he's right but I do sometimes doubt myself. I really don't think my parents have a favourite but they wouldn't tell me if they did.

We have one DS at the moment but both of us would like more. However if it really is this big secret truth that everyone has a favourite then I'd be a bit nervous of having another as it just seems so awful.

OP posts:
Teaandsympathy · 12/02/2024 20:00

maudelovesharold · 12/02/2024 19:35

All three of mine think they’re the favourite!

My 3 are the same! Each of them have told me they’re my favourite - obviously very confident in their loveability 😂

and no I don’t have a favourite- though I do appreciate them differently which before I had dc I didn’t realise would be a thing. They’re all so different and I feel like I have a special relationship with each of them.

SquirrelHash · 12/02/2024 20:01

I dislike all my children equally 😎

Adhdsleeeep · 12/02/2024 20:01

My mother had a favourite and it wasn’t me. I knew it deep down and it was confirmed when I overheard her say it once. Even though I knew it, it was very, very hurtful to overhear. I had to gulp down tears as I didn’t want anyone to know I’d heard for the rest of the day. I was in my 20s by then and it still really hurt.

I don’t have a favourite very deliberately and I’m hyper aware of that - but I do have an “easier” as I have one NT and one ND child.

Swedishdiplomat · 12/02/2024 20:02

icallitasplodge · 12/02/2024 19:25

I agree with you. I don’t have a favourite at all.

My partners family very obviously favour his sister and she is a downright awful person so I can’t work out why but I think it is that she has needed to lean on them more, so they have a strange codependency thing going on now.

Yep. Absolutely love my children the same and can't understand prioritising one over the other.

MIL is the same, DH is one of three and MIL definitely favours the middle and it is absolutely the needing to be needed thing.

Dillydollydingdong · 12/02/2024 20:03

Children are people and have different personalities, just like other people. Some we warm to more than others. It's only natural. The problem is when parents blatantly show favouritism. This can cause problems between the children, and the "golden child" can suffer in later life because the others may resent him/her.

PrincessOfPreschool · 12/02/2024 20:06

Is your dh from an Asian family. My dh is same as yours in that his brother was the favourite (eldest, clever, doctor, drives flash cars). Whilst my DH would say it's damaging and not a good idea, he definitely has a favourite child out of ours even though he denies it (the clever, sociable, charming one). It's obvious to me and my other son and it's led to me compensating which is also unhealthy. It's quite subconscious with him, nothing obvious, but I can sense it and so does DS1.

I'm not sure how you can break out of it, especially if your dh thinks it's normal. But believe me, it doesn't help kids be close to parents and in particular, close to each other as the grow up. I'm really sad about that. Especially as I'm close to my sister.

PillowRest · 12/02/2024 20:08

It's often a thing with selfish parents. They will prefer the child who they "get the most" from. So eg the most placid/agreeable one, the one they can brag about to friends most, the one who will give them grandchildren etc.

In normal people they will love each child unconditionally and not based on what they get in return, so don't worry about your feelings about your son and future children.

wavingthroughawindowww · 12/02/2024 20:09

I think having a favourite child is actively abusive.

Thejackrussellsrule · 12/02/2024 20:09

DH's parents had an obvious favourite, his older brother, paid for him to go to private school, told DH they didn't have enough money to send him, financed his business, told DH they wouldn't be helping him. Awful people.

Member869894 · 12/02/2024 20:09

I dont think it's weird to have a favourite child but I do think it's weird to show it

LindorDoubleChoc · 12/02/2024 20:12

Yanbu. Seriously odd.

Once they have grown up and are adults, and one child gives you nothing but grief and lives a disfunctional life, I can see how a parent might prefer being around the one who is less of a worry.

AdviceFromMums · 12/02/2024 20:18

I do not have a favourite child. I genuinely love the all the same.
I have a favourite quality I like about each of them but I think that's more about their personality.
I have 3- I love my oldests sassy and fearless nature. My middle child is hilarious. And the youngest is a snuggle bug.
I like to try make sure they all feel special in their own way. I think it would be horrible to grow up knowing there is a favourite and you don't met the cut 💔

Oneblindmouse · 12/02/2024 20:22

I have a favourite child. It is impossible for me not to. One of my children does a lot for me, spends time with me and cares about me.
The other does none of the above.

Why wouldn't I have a favourite?

LittleMissSleepyUK · 12/02/2024 20:24

I have four, and for years if they asked who was favourite I’d say “your cousin Ryan”! I stopped when the eldest three told my sister what I’d been saying about her only child!!!

I can honestly say I don’t have a favourite between my four. I have times when I prefer spending time with one over the others, but I’d say that was normal. My eldest is now 13 and she’s a mass of hormones and going through a Kevin phase. My boys are 8 and 6 and my youngest DD is 3yrs. After a very difficult evening with my eldest she wouldn’t be my favourite tonight, but tomorrow she will be totally different and probably want to chill out with me. Then I’ll much prefer that to my full on youngest who has just so much energy. Then Wednesday one of my boys will do something for me and he’ll be favourite. But I never treat them any differently

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 12/02/2024 20:24

My youngest brother is definitely the favourite; has been all his life.

I don't understand it. Both my boys are equally wonderful and equally annoying at times, but my brother has always enjoyed being treated more favourably. Hence my living 200 miles away!

Hankunamatata · 12/02/2024 20:26

My older say my youngest is the fav as he still gets stories read, needs more imput with homework. My youngest says the eldest is the fav as he gets to stay up later and do more stuff (nearly 5 years gap). Middle one changes his mind depending on his mood.

Toddlerteaplease · 12/02/2024 20:26

My grandma used to drive my dad mad, with asking him who was his favourite. He's adamant he doesn't have one. But we all know it's me! (Joking! I know they don't have a favourite)

kikisparks · 12/02/2024 20:26

My daughter is my favourite person in the whole world. But then I don’t have any other children nor will I so she can stay the favourite.

GreyTS · 12/02/2024 20:28

Member869894 · 12/02/2024 20:09

I dont think it's weird to have a favourite child but I do think it's weird to show it

Even if you don't think you show it, you do, they know, and yes it is weird, says something not great about you. Might be worth examining, even for the sake of their relationship later in life

safetyfreak · 12/02/2024 20:29

Theminer · 12/02/2024 19:59

I don’t think it’s unusual to have favourites… ive definitely observed it a lot but don’t think everyone does.

I knew a couple with twin girls- one very noticeably prettier than the other and they definitely favoured that one. We used to get sent 1000000 of pictures of one for every 2 pictures of the other.

That is horrible :(

I do not have favourites...there are times I prefer one more than the other but, depends on their behaviour!

Veggie1965 · 12/02/2024 20:29

Absolutely love all my children with every bone of my body. They all have had times in their lives where I have given one more attention .
They all joke that they are my favourite child but it is just banter. I do have one child who is just getting on with his life and doesn’t rely on me as much…absolutely great and he knows that Mum is there at any time.

Bluestoat · 12/02/2024 20:31

I’m pretty sure my parents didn’t……but my Nan certainly had a favourite grandchild . I know as She told me( as an adult)- and it wasn’t me! Had no filter that woman! Didn’t matter by then and she was still my favourite (and only) Nan.

mnlkjpo24 · 12/02/2024 20:31

I could never have a favourite child and could never understand how some people do.

All of my children are so different but I love them all the same and enjoy their differences and similarities just the same, too.

fromBodentoBandM · 12/02/2024 20:32

JustMarriedBecca · 12/02/2024 19:30

I think it depends. Both my kids are so different. My son is cuddly, affectionate and loving. My daughter is fiercely independent.

I worry more for my daughter.

My son is one of life's golden children.

This is an interesting way of thinking about it-
I suspect my dc1 is like this.

My Dp youngest sibling is def the fave with the IL - it irks me hugely. 🤨
In my own family my sister and I refer to DB as golden balls. He can do no wrong. 🤨

I

Invisablepanic · 12/02/2024 20:32

My grandmother has an obvious favourite between her 2 daughters and I can see how it's affected my mother (not the fav). It's also meant that her and her sister are not close. DGM has always been at pains to keep the material things completely equal. If she gave one some money she would give the other one the exact same amount but its still very obvious how she feels.

I've got 3 children and I can't imagine having a favourite.

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