To not want MIL round without DP?

[Sophiemama93]

FTM with newborn. Finding “hosting” visitors a quite stressful and enjoy the time I get with just me and baby while DP is at work in the
I find MIL difficult company - she has been quite hostile to me in the past and is often hostile towards DP. She can be friendly at times but is quite unpredictable with this and becomes very easily offended during “normal” interactions, leaving me feeling like every conversation is on egg shells.

Anyway, she has started to want to visit once a week and always comes when DP is at work. He is home from work just after lunch so there is plenty of time for her to come and visit when he is home in the afternoon. I have said to him I’d rather she didn’t come when it was just me and he has suggested to her that she comes when he is there so he gets to see her too. But she doesn’t, and when her requested time (morning) isn’t granted (e.g. if I’m out with Baby/have plans), she gives us the silent treatment and declines to come at another time offered. Note - she rarely has afternoon plans/commitments.

Anyway, it might sound silly but I just can’t cope with these weekly visits on my own! We used to go months without seeing each other and this feels too much to manage. I dread it all week.

I’d never stop her coming round, but am I unreasonable to request that it is when DP is here?

Regardless of your opinion - advice and tips are welcome!

Thanks :)

You’re not being unreasonable, she’s not listening to your boundaries.
Just go out, or don’t open the door!

Enjoy the silent treatment.
You can't control how she reacts.

It's not fair to have this pressure on you.

I don’t understand how this is an issue. Surely if you don’t want her in the house with you, you either go out in the mornings (don’t you go to baby groups anyway?) or don’t answer the door.

@TheSnowyOwl because op is aware of her mils feeling and doesn't want to upset her mil.
Unfortunately it's this dynamic where the mil isn't thinking of her feelings where problems start

Get DP to arrange a regular time in the week he will take baby to see her instead.

Also get him to say that you want the mornings to yourself to rest and do the odd baby class. You are getting the brunt of the lack of sleep. If you tell her blanket morning's are bad she may sulk but she will have to accept it. Then if she persists you can keep saying that you are sticking to a routine of no morning visits. Just be firm and consistent and put up with the sulking.

I don't know how young your baby is, if a proper 'newborn newborn' YANBU, but if a few months old I think you need to make the effort to build a relationship with your baby's grandmother without the security blanket of your DP. Don't walk on eggshells, if she takes offence she's welcome to leave. You're a mother now, you need to learn to advocate for yourself and your baby, but equally you should be capable of a quick visit once a week IMO. If she wants to come on a Tuesday and you have plans, and she refuses to come on Wednesday instead, fine? She doesn't come? (sounds like a win tbh). I don't really see the issue either.

Take control, issue the invitation before she invites herself “Hi MIL, hope you’re having a good week, would you like to come over on Wednesday afternoon to see baby? If Wednesday afternoon doesn’t work for you we could do Tuesday at 3pm? Xxxx”

I’d never stop her coming round

Why?! You say that you dread her visits and she isn’t listening to you when you tell her what time is convenient. There’s nothing wrong with not letting her come round in those circumstances. Value your own feelings as much as you’re valuing hers.

Also it’s fine to say no to weekly visits, especially to someone who you didn’t see frequently before having the baby and who you have a difficult relationship with.

@Odingodof how is not being in or not answering the door going to hurt her feelings? Surely she just tells her in advance that mornings are convenient but she is welcome round any afternoon. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I know it’s uncomfortable but you just need to brazen it out.
If she gets snooty or sulky, leave her to it. She can feel however she chooses to, but you are not obligated to placate her. Do not start your journey in motherhood (and as a new family) trying to please people whose feelings/opinions/judgements are essentially irrelevant.
Get DH to invite her around at a time that suits you both (or just him if you wanted to go out and leave him to it).

100% this! ⬆️

Do it now, right from the start, or you'll be dancing to her tune forevermore.

If she wants to sulk & not visit....happy days!

This only works in a world where men are also expected to build an independent relationship with their in laws without the security blanket of their wives present.

I don't think that's generally a problem? Admittedly usually because the man is happy to have the woman's mother round to help when his wife's away. It's not really comparable though, as men are rarely primary carers of a newborn, so not sure why you bring it up.

The OP has already said that she has tried this and MIL got the hump.

OP, I think you just need to accept that some decisions you make are not going to be what other people would have done, but unfortunately when it's your house you get the final say! Tell her mornings do not work as you're too busy, but afternoons are fine. Be out (or pretend to be!) if she comes in a morning. Don't feel guilty!

Stand your ground now or this will continue forever.

no sorry I have plans and only agree to times when dh is home, if she goes silent then it’s her loss.
you need to set boundaries, no matter who is overstepping the mark.

Yep to all of this. Ignore her silent treatments. Does she just start acting normally again once she's finished sulking? Don't try to appease her, let your partner handle her.

JUST SAY NO! You are perfectly entitled to have visitors on your terms and you have given her plenty of other opportunities to visit. If she decides to give the silent treatment and decline to come at another time then that’s her problem to deal with - seriously, don’t let it bother you.

Short term pain eg her "getting the hump" for longer term gain.

Meh, life’s too short. She nasty some of the time so she doesn’t get to see you. Say no, let her sulk and go back to months. You don’t have to bed around her to keep her happy if she isn’t a nice person to either of you. If you weren’t related you would cut contact. Being family doesn’t mean you have to put up with people being horrid.

Just tell her that you’re busy in the mornings.

If she gets the hump and goes silent / doesn’t come that’s a win isn’t it?! 😁

Exactly what *MsSquiggle" says.

Let her have the hump and give you the silent treatment and revel in the bliss that is her not contacting you for a visit. Stop trying to be nice to someone who isn't nice to you. Stand your ground, have boundaries. She is pissy because she isn't getting what she wants. Do what YOU want, invite her for the afternoon when your Dp is home and if she doesn't come so what? Honestly, you have enough on your plate with a baby, surround yourself with supportive people. Just because she is your Dp's Mother doesn't mean she is nice or welcome.

Agree with PP, keep your plans and brazen out her sulks. It can be hard having a new baby and if making plans, doing baby classes and meeting up with other mums helps then that's what you need to be doing.

YNB - now that you have a new baby, perhaps it's time for you to invest in a new door bell (that you can control the ring volume of) like a Eufy or Ring doorbell for example?
Wouldn't it be terrible if you were to be in the house and you forgot to increase the ring volume on the doorbell (answer - no it wouldn't). You are only doing it so that baby can have their nap time. And if MiL misses a visit, then MiL misses a visit.

If she is openly hostile towards you and towards your DP, then I am thinking that this person isn't a positive influence on your baby and it wouldn't be so terrible if they weren't as involved in baby's life.

Also to add - if she gives you the silent treatment because she can't see the baby according to her timetable, then that's fine.
Enjoy the silent treatment.
Don't reach out to her to start resuming visits. She will learn to reach out to you.
You then respond with "Well, Mary, I did say that visiting in the mornings no longer suited Baby and me so you're welcome to visit on a Tuesday or Wednesday afternoon. Which day suits you best?" and keep responding with that message.
You're not stopping her visit. You're just setting up a timetable for visits that suit YOU and the baby instead.

She will learn. But you need to drop the rope here and stop being the point of contact. You have a DP. That is something that they can deal with.