To not want MIL round without DP?

[Sophiemama93]

FTM with newborn. Finding “hosting” visitors a quite stressful and enjoy the time I get with just me and baby while DP is at work in the
I find MIL difficult company - she has been quite hostile to me in the past and is often hostile towards DP. She can be friendly at times but is quite unpredictable with this and becomes very easily offended during “normal” interactions, leaving me feeling like every conversation is on egg shells.

Anyway, she has started to want to visit once a week and always comes when DP is at work. He is home from work just after lunch so there is plenty of time for her to come and visit when he is home in the afternoon. I have said to him I’d rather she didn’t come when it was just me and he has suggested to her that she comes when he is there so he gets to see her too. But she doesn’t, and when her requested time (morning) isn’t granted (e.g. if I’m out with Baby/have plans), she gives us the silent treatment and declines to come at another time offered. Note - she rarely has afternoon plans/commitments.

Anyway, it might sound silly but I just can’t cope with these weekly visits on my own! We used to go months without seeing each other and this feels too much to manage. I dread it all week.

I’d never stop her coming round, but am I unreasonable to request that it is when DP is here?

Regardless of your opinion - advice and tips are welcome!

Thanks :)

Some people need firm boundaries. My parents are like this. Having learnt from my sister who had to tolerate them dropping round at bed times and other inconvenient times. I have been firm about when they are invited round. Making sure there is regular contact and that a time is arranged. Whenever we go to them we do the same even though they would be perfectly happy for us to rock up we keep to the same standards we accept of them.
My in-laws are just the opposite and go out of their way to not be in our way. They live further from us but they have a key and can turn up when it's convenient for their travels and I know they won't take the piss.
You need to be firm and set boundaries. You could offer her coming round half an hour or so before your partner gets home if that still counts as morning by minutes. Hand her the baby and a cuppa and go to a different room to do some chores until your OH gets home. If this is too much you really need your OH to put the boundaries in. In my house it is the child that keeps the parents in check not the child-in-law.

Not everyone wants to hand their baby over to their mil and go off and do their own thing. Thats another area where grandparents push and can damage relationships. Some mums want to stay with their own babies and that's okay. I think it must be hard to be a grandparent - to love a child so much but have no control. But they have to remember that these babies aren't theirs, to respect the dil's as mothers and to give these women space.

My "D"M can be difficult and sounds silimlar to you "D"MIL.

I woukd handle it slightly differently. Go and see her either way LO instead but leave as soon as she starts either pushing your boundaries or being rude.

I've always done this with my "D"M so she still got to see the DC but I didn't have to put up with her in my home.

I’ve never had any one tell me when they will be visiting me, they’ve always asked when would be convenient or if the time they’d particularly like to come is convenient. I don’t think that’s luck, they just have good sense and manners.

Just say, “To save you time asking in the future, I won’t be having any one visit in the mornings for the foreseeable future but husband and I will be happy to see you one afternoon.”

If she sulks then clearly imposing her own way is more important than seeing her GC and son.

Why should a new mum be run out of her home and have to go out because her MIL doesn’t understand boundaries. Surely the answer is that her DP needs to get his mother under control!

Provided your responses to her requests to visit are perfectly polite and if you decline you offer a different time then it sounds like the problem is totally hers and you need not give it any further thought! Enjoy the silent treatment!