To not want MIL round without DP?

[Sophiemama93]

FTM with newborn. Finding “hosting” visitors a quite stressful and enjoy the time I get with just me and baby while DP is at work in the
I find MIL difficult company - she has been quite hostile to me in the past and is often hostile towards DP. She can be friendly at times but is quite unpredictable with this and becomes very easily offended during “normal” interactions, leaving me feeling like every conversation is on egg shells.

Anyway, she has started to want to visit once a week and always comes when DP is at work. He is home from work just after lunch so there is plenty of time for her to come and visit when he is home in the afternoon. I have said to him I’d rather she didn’t come when it was just me and he has suggested to her that she comes when he is there so he gets to see her too. But she doesn’t, and when her requested time (morning) isn’t granted (e.g. if I’m out with Baby/have plans), she gives us the silent treatment and declines to come at another time offered. Note - she rarely has afternoon plans/commitments.

Anyway, it might sound silly but I just can’t cope with these weekly visits on my own! We used to go months without seeing each other and this feels too much to manage. I dread it all week.

I’d never stop her coming round, but am I unreasonable to request that it is when DP is here?

Regardless of your opinion - advice and tips are welcome!

Thanks :)

This. Sounds like it's time for big girl pants on.
Get MIL involved - ask her to give baby a bottle, change her, help you choose an outfit for her (not doing your domestic chores - I mean proper granny duties). Ask her for advice, get to know her a bit better. She may warm to you and the relationship will improve.
If not, at least, you've tried.

But she doesn’t, and when her requested time (morning) isn’t granted (e.g. if I’m out with Baby/have plans), she gives us the silent treatment and declines to come at another time offered

always be at a baby class.
Let her be offended
Its the only way.

My mil came down for FIVE nights when invited to stay over for one weekend night when dd was newborn.
she stayed Fri AM - wed AM
By sunday night i was done. She expects "hosting" and entertaining.
When my DH started work on monday (WFH) i packed up my day bag took the baby and left the house without a word. I came home at 6.01.
She said nothing. I said nothing.
I did the same on Tuesday.
I came home at maybe 6.10? And found her and DH having a romantic dinner for 2 as "they werent sure where i was" 😂😂😂
Absolute jokers. I took half of DHs and ate it while he cooked more food... which got a cats bum face which i ignored

She now mostly comes at agreed times

Tldr set your stall out now.

Genuine question - why do you care if she sulks and declines visits after you've said no?

Yep, the silent 'treat' is a win in my book ( I also have a sulky mil)

Just tell her that you generally try to catch up on a bit of sleep in the mornings as baby is up in the night and that you'd love her to visit any afternoon. Then if she gets the hump, leave her to it! It's not like you've said she can't visit at all

Pretend to take her literally, radio silence meets radio silence. Say no to her morning visits but offer her the afternoon.

Tbh most good baby meet ups are in the morning, or do shopping or just say no without a reason. After enough push backs she will realise that her passive aggression isn’t working

Don't "suggest". Tell her, clearly, directly and robustly.

Thank you so much everyone.. Your responses have really helped me think about it differently and feel empowered to enforce my own boundaries. Reframing silent treatment as a treat/win made me smile!
Thanks, all :)

She'll stop sulking if she sees it doesn't get her what she wants. The silent treatment is just cutting her nose off to spite her face.

I don't agree with a pp that unit you are the mother of her grandchild, that you have to build a relationship with her, independent of your dh. If she's difficult and unsupportive, you are absolutely not obliged to put up with her alone. It's your home and your baby - no one has rights to be there. Certainly not whenever it suits them, regardless of whether it suits you. It's good your dh is being supportive.

My in-laws used to turn up all day with no notice. Sometimes I'd be so tired and not up for visitors that I'd hide upstairs and pretend to be out, praying the baby didn't cry and let on that I was home!

I did get dh to talk to them and say they needed to phone first and arrange a time that suited us both. But it was hard in the early days, with people who wanted more than I could comfortably give. It's totally not unreasonable to want your dh there too.

If she wants to sulk and not come round, doesn't that mean she's not really that fussed about seeing the baby then?
Surely if she was desperate to see them she'd do what it takes to see them...

I think she's enjoyed making you dance to her tune.

If she turns up, ignore the door. If she texts say I'm sorry I have plans, what about tomorrow afternoon? If she sulks, enjoy the peace.

She doesn't control your lives. You and your husband are the boss of your lives together.

So she gets the hump. So what. What are you afraid of? She is behaving like a sullen child. You need to be the adults. Good practice for when you're coping with toddler and teen tantrums. Do not be a passive doormat to a bully.

Have your statement, your boundaries, ready and practiced and stick to it.

Assertiveness techniques:

The three part sentence (I understand / however / therefore).

I understand that you would like to be able to pop round and see us whenever etc you'd like to.

However, we do have our own routine and need time to ourselves as a family, plus your DS would like to see you too.

Therefore, in future, we'll let you know when we're free and invite you round to visit or meet up as a family.

(Hump sulk grumble grump)

The Broken Record:

As I say, we will let you know when we're free to meet you as a family. How about Tuesday morning for coffee?

(Repeat in the same calm tone of voice, body language, expressions etc, instead of getting dragged into arguments or attempts to derail.)

everytime she asks, only suggest times dh is there, do not llet her come when he;s not, simple

@Sophiemama93 when she phones you tell her you are in town! if she has a habit of turning up, dont answer the door and pretend you are out!

Why is your DP only working part time?

Oh come off it. How do you know he doesn't start at 3am? And what if he is?? MYOB

Open door.
Hand baby to MIL
Go and have a bath

Come down from bath
Collect baby from MIL

Announce you are going out.

How do visits work with your DM? Can this be replicated?

Oh god that sounds like a nightmare! Did you build on his family land to end up so close?
If so close and no real means of breaking ties as everyone is so interconnected I would get your husband to speak to her very firmly and try and put this behind you. He needs called out if he won’t stand up to his mother and clearly explain the hurt she is causing. But Irish men are absolutely useless at this. You will never be best friends with MIL, but it is probably better than a long standing feud when living so close. She should apologise for her behaviour though. If she gifts you things I would make the right noises e.g thank you and then if you don’t want it donate to charity.
I am just thinking of this from an Irish country setting were everyone knows everyone and everything🙈

This "problem" is all on you, op. You're the one not enforcing boundaries, and you're the one falling for her silent treatment bullshit.

The silent treatment sounds like the perfect outcome. You keep your morning to yourself, she has a petulant strop and you get the next two weeks in peace.

Then the process repeats itself.

You have solved the issue in one easy move. 😀 Her ill manners are not your problem.

In what way was it a romantic meal?

You sound like you're scheduling some kind of appointment, not family.

Aren't family just welcome to drop in unannounced at any time?

@VeterinaryCareAssistant the world is divided into those people who are 'droppers in' and those who are not. Neither is right or wrong, just different. But there's a problem if a 'drop in unannounced' type tries to impose this on someone who isn't! It's the OPs home, she has a right to feel relaxed and comfortable. It's also her baby - grandparents aren't entitled to access purely on their terms.

And some visitors are absolute piss takers when it comes to outstaying their welcome. This is not acceptable, family or not.

Some of these mumsnet MIL take the cake. If they were constantly wanting to see DIL that would be one thing- but it’s not. They start imposing themselves as soon as they have a grandchild. They spend years not bothering to foster a relationship or being downright rude and then expect the DIL to host at their most vulnerable time just when they want to see the baby.

Let your DP handle her. Quite frankly I don’t think she should be coming round when he’s WFH either. How is he supposed to look after the old bag when he is working?

When my first grandchild was born, I used to go over once a week to visit while my son was at work, my dil used to use that time to go out and do something for herself while I looked after baby and I would do the ironing or another useful bit of housework to help out, maybe you do similar and leave mil with your baby and go out for a coffee or something