Am I the problem?

[Uuurghboots]

6 months ago I got back together with ex partner.

We had previously split because we wanted different things but remained on good terms.

since getting back together things have been relaxed, but really good.

however, we had a big argument recently, which escalated over nothing. I was really upset at the way he spoke to me and I snapped at him.

he said I exploded at him, and that my temper is terrible. But he never listens to me, and rather than accepting that I see things differently, constantly shuts me down. And so I lose my temper.

i think I’m a relatively calm
person. So my ‘temper’ isn’t more than just a momentary raising my voice. I also do not accept his version of events at all. He called me mad and kept shouting at me for ages, long after I asked him to please stop.he continued shouting ant me even when I tried to calm things.

this was 2 weeks ago, since then he has refused to meet me. He is texting but doesn’t want to discuss what happened. He says he can’t take my temper anymore and refuses to accept that he was unkind to me. The argument was after a whole weekend of him criticising me for little things, but saying my actions showed I was being selfish or taking him for granted ( I don’t) .

he says he doesn’t want to split up but can’t talk to me right now. he says he can’t face another argument, even though I’ve said I just want to talk things through.

so I’m left waiting to find out what is happening.

So as not to drip feed, I was previously in an abusive relationship where I was stonewalled and gaslit constantly.

I genuinely don’t know if I’ve over reacted, or if he is gas lighting me too. Or even that my abusive ex is right. He said I had a bad temper too, and used it to silence me. I was never allowed to complain about his actions ( having an affair, never doing housework)

im so confused. Am I the problem here? I’ve been really conciliatory in my texts to him. Said I just want to talk it through. But I think he is the one being out of order.

He's also gaslighting you, as well as using emotional abuse. You are in another abusive relationship.

It sounds like you're being gaslit again to me.

Yeah, no, he is the problem, theres some classic abusive red flags there - you're mad, you're over sensitive, you can't be pleased, you always criticise, your temper is horrific... etc etc.

Doesn't sound as if any of that is true and, it sounds likely he's poked and prodded then shut you down until you've nowhere else to go but raise your voice... and hey presto, proof that you're the problem, not him.

Get out of it, stay out of it, block him, don't go back there.

I agree with pp it’s not you it’s him. But what was he like before? Were there signs of this?

in the meantime block and move on.

Thankyou. I just can’t believe he would be like this. He is so different from my ex. He is really kind to me but is set in his ways and I do feel like everything has to suit him.

ive also tried to be as objective as I can in this post. Maybe I do have a temper? But I never stay angry for long, and it was a reaction to not being listened to.

Obviously losing your temper with loved ones is never the best way to behave, but I don’t think I’m any worse than my friends who I see losing their tempers with their DH’s or kids. So I just can’t recognise this foul tempered monster I’m being painted as.

There was a reason he was an ex and why the saying is never go back to an ex…. End it and move on it all sounds very toxic and unhappy, unhealthy and not meeting/ talking for 2 weeks is childish so move on

@Billybagpuss he is usually very kind. But I’ve found him very sensitive. Also doesn’t take responsibility for his own actions in a situation. For example, when talking about ex’s - they all broke his heart by leaving him ( he has never been married). Reading between the lines, he has been reluctant to commit (these women all left and married the next man they met).

we split because he didn’t want us to move in together ( I have 2 kids, he doesn’t have any). I completely understood his point of view, but said I wanted more than a part time relationship.

its always niggled me that he blames me entirely for the original break-up. He acted as if I’d broken his heart and was being completely unreasonable dumping him. I asked him why he couldn’t see it from my point of view, but he never ever conceded that I might want more. He just said I was being ridiculous and our relationship worked perfectly as it was ( it did for him!)

You're not the problem but you should look at the freedom programme online or in person and some therapy if you can afford it before you have another relationship- obviously end this one which doesn't work

You're behaving in an 'angry' manner because you are protecting yourself (the 'fight' in fight or flight). He is triggering that threat response in you because he is unsafe to you. It is because he is manipulating, controlling and gaslighting you that your most primal system is responding to find a way to keep you safe. Anger is not a bad thing, it is ok to be angry! So what? Anger is not abuse. It is an emotion everyone feels, and is a warning that something needs to Change. Listen to yourself, you know he is not a good person. Maybe you haven't fully accepted it yet, but there is a part of you that knows that he is not being good or fair to you.

You are not the problem
Losing your temper means screaming, shouting, throwing things, lashing out etc....and in a relationship people do do these things. It's normal but shouldn't be frequent and if it's unprovoked it's a problem.
But if its milder than this, provoked and the other person refuses to even consider how they may have provoked it, and then they have an even stronger reaction....they are the problem.

Stop texting him, he is trying to make you beg for forgiveness and feel guilty. This does not sound like a good relationship. He will not listen to you, will keep shutting you down, and then keep blaming you when you get mad...until you stop getting mad and just comply.

He sounds emotionally immature, and blaming exes is a big red flag as well. He doesn't sound capable of having a healthy grown up relationship. He's behaving like a teenager, but unlike teenagers his inability to see his part in something is a choice not a neurological stage!

We all react in temper when we are angry - we all have a temper to some degree. Yours sounds quite mild.

He probably is exaggerating and gaslighting but just based on his own words you aren’t compatible because he disapproves of how you express anger. The smart arse hasn’t worked that out yet because it’s not the reason he is punishing you - he just wants to shut you down so you will never voice any dissatisfaction again.

Tell him he doesn’t have to think about it anymore because you’ve realised getting back together was a mistake. At some point you do want to live with a partner but it won’t ever be him. (You wouldn’t want to inflict your monstrous temper on him ha ha)

You wouldn’t want your children to see his shitty behaviour and disrespect to you and grow to believe that is normal. Also, if you do live together at some point, he won’t be refusing to see you to punish you he will be mooching around in your home giving you the silent treatment, making you walk on eggshells and creating a miserable atmosphere for your children.

Just dump him

Maybe you are both incompatible.

You are being completely unreasonable to still be in contact with this loser.

Honestly, what’s the point in being kind some of the time, when the relationship is dependent on you not ever disagreeing with him and burying your thoughts because he can’t cope with them?

Run A Mile.

You’re only left waiting if you chose to wait around.

I think that it might be useful to stop pointing the finger. Relationships aren't about who is 'right' or 'wrong'. We all think we're right, usually, and that's fine, even for him, when he's being rude and disrespectful. He's allowed to do that. He's an adult. He gets to choose how to behave, what to say, which opinions and feelings to respect, and which to brush aside or dismiss. Just like you do. Just like we all do.

But what you get to do is to choose who to spend your time with. You keep choosing people who push your boundaries to the point that you explode, and then have a go at you for exploding. So yes, in a way, you are the problem, because you keep making this same choice: to be in a relationship with someone who requires you to silence your feelings, and judge them negatively. You don't have to make that choice. You don't do it an any other area of life. If you don't like a food, you just choose not to have it. You don't look at your level of discomfort with eating it, and try to work out 'if you're the problem'. If you don't like doing a particular hobby, you don't keep trying it over and over, whilst surpressing your feelings, because they 'might be the problem'; you just choose not to do it. If you don't like a certain sort of music, you don't wonder if it's ok to feel that way, and keep listening, and filling up all your time with it, because, even though listening to it makes you want to scream, you think you 'might be the problem'.

I bet that, other than your parents, you haven't felt like this about anybody except partners? All your friendships and work relationships etc are calm and respectful, and you only explode around partners?

In healthy situations, your feelings will never be a problem. And so, that's your responsibility to yourself, as your own primary carer: you get to choose the situations. Only choose people who don't drive you bananas from now on, and leave behind anybody who does. Your life will be infinitely happier and calmer.

OP you're allowed to express your feelings, opinions and frustrations. If he's trying to silence those and dismiss you then obviously things are going to escalate.

I've been with men that make out I'm the problem, I've got a 'temper' but I would spend far too long doing mental acrobatics trying to word things "nicely" and getting ignored/silenced/dismissed anyway. What they really mean is they want to do as they please, and you're the issue and "causing arguments" if you dare to question it.

I do think some baggage comes from being in relationships like your abusive ex. I have a very, very low tolerance for bullshit now, but I've learned rather than lose it, I say my piece and then walk away. They don't get another chance after they behave like that once.

You could try explaining that by dismissing you, it's causing you to push down your own feelings which then bubble up and manifest as what he describes as a "temper". Ask if he is able to have a respectful two way discussion or whether he just respects his own feelings and yours don't deserve to be listened to.

Relationships shouldn’t be this hard.

I do think some baggage comes from being in relationships like your abusive ex

I think that baggage is what get people into all these relationships to start with, and then the relationships make it worse, because the problem is that we see ourselves as 'faulty'. We are raised (sometimes by well meaning parents) who teach us that our feelings are a problem. Then we get into relationships with people who tell us the same thing, and, instead of walking away from the critical prats who can only see their point of view as valid, we think they're right: we are the problem. Then another relationship confirms the same thing, and we start to believe that we are simply not capable of having a healthy relationship. So, we stay, and try to keep our 'problematic nature' quiet... which leads to more explosions.

I did this for years, until I saw a counsellor. I spent a long time crying, dissecting my past relationships, and it was expensive. So if it'll save anybody else the time and money, I'll share what I learned: The only thing wrong with me was that I thought that something was wrong with me. Once I started to live by that, I started walking away from people who thought I was a problem, and very quickly I met my partner, who is lovely, and thinks I'm lovely.

It's really not complicated: if someone says you're a problem by being who you are or by having your own feelings, leave them behind. It's hard at first because you have to walk away from some long-standing relationships, but once that's done, you just don't get close to people who put you down or who you feel bad around.

OP this must be hard to hear but I can relate to what’s being said. It sounds like you have a bad situation brewing here. Don’t put you or your kids in that dangerous place, the risks are all unfurling to be seen already unfortunately.

If you’re someone who feels trained to always be ‘fair’ (I.e. in reality push down your own needs for someone who can’t meet them, or compromise with you) then you can assure yourself that you went back and gave this partner even more than the amount of chance that the relationship deserves.

Can you let him go?
Do not psycho analyse over it all.
If you can not communicate, talk, and eventually have your say, then what's the point.
It's funny how it's always our fault, isn't it.
Dump! The emotional exhaustion is a relief in itself.

Excellent wise post Watchkeys

This should be framed.

Listen to Watchkeys!

Your gut knows this relationship is wrong, follow it.

You keep saying he is kind but he doesn’t sound kind at all. I think you need to move on from this relationship completely and block him. There is no point staying friends just move on.

Consider doing the Freedom Programme if you have been in abusive relationships before.