Am I the problem?

[Uuurghboots]

6 months ago I got back together with ex partner.

We had previously split because we wanted different things but remained on good terms.

since getting back together things have been relaxed, but really good.

however, we had a big argument recently, which escalated over nothing. I was really upset at the way he spoke to me and I snapped at him.

he said I exploded at him, and that my temper is terrible. But he never listens to me, and rather than accepting that I see things differently, constantly shuts me down. And so I lose my temper.

i think I’m a relatively calm
person. So my ‘temper’ isn’t more than just a momentary raising my voice. I also do not accept his version of events at all. He called me mad and kept shouting at me for ages, long after I asked him to please stop.he continued shouting ant me even when I tried to calm things.

this was 2 weeks ago, since then he has refused to meet me. He is texting but doesn’t want to discuss what happened. He says he can’t take my temper anymore and refuses to accept that he was unkind to me. The argument was after a whole weekend of him criticising me for little things, but saying my actions showed I was being selfish or taking him for granted ( I don’t) .

he says he doesn’t want to split up but can’t talk to me right now. he says he can’t face another argument, even though I’ve said I just want to talk things through.

so I’m left waiting to find out what is happening.

So as not to drip feed, I was previously in an abusive relationship where I was stonewalled and gaslit constantly.

I genuinely don’t know if I’ve over reacted, or if he is gas lighting me too. Or even that my abusive ex is right. He said I had a bad temper too, and used it to silence me. I was never allowed to complain about his actions ( having an affair, never doing housework)

im so confused. Am I the problem here? I’ve been really conciliatory in my texts to him. Said I just want to talk it through. But I think he is the one being out of order.

@Uuurghboots
Never let an old flame burn you twice...

There's some great advice here

You deserve a partner who makes you feel good, not one who creates this upset and confusion. He sounds like a disaster

Run

I personally think its too hard for us to know who the problem is given that we don't know what was said and how it unfolded.

But, relationships are not supposed to be like this.

Totally agree with watchkeys .

I had an ex with similar behaviours, very 'sensitive' to everything I said or did, so by the end of the relationship I was always on edge by fear of saying the wrong thing. Everything was always my fault, and even when he admitted some responsibility in an argument he would go back on this a few hours later saying I forced him to agree with me.
The background for him was being raised like that by his mum, she did everything for her kids and taught them they always came first. His sister was very similar but less approachable and ended up very lonely and depressed.

Just break up. It's a vicious circle, the more you try to understand him, the more he will think you you've been wrong and insensitive. You're just not compatible.

Please don't subject your children to this, they'd be scarred from your previous relationship so just let them grow up in a loving environment, even if that does mean part time boyfriend for the time being

Exactly this with bells on 👌
You're only this far in and he’s showing his true colours, be grateful, it’s still early enough for you to easily walk away. This will only get worse. Be the example for your kids.

I had a similar experience a few years ago, he acted unreasonably and I pointed it out. He didn’t like it and gave me the silent treatment for over a week. So I finished it and he was all shocked and crying and “but I love you”. I said if he thinks it’s acceptable in a relationship to not speak for over a week then it’s not one that I want to be in thank you very much, good bye.

Move on and block him. He is not a nice man.

You say "everything has to suit him" and criticises you for little things.... now he doesn't want to talk to you.
Sounds like he's decided he fancied someone else and is trying his luck there and keeping you clinging on in case that doesn't work out.
Dump this absolute loser

Does it matter who is to blame. The relationship doesn't work. You don't get on with each other so you need to split.

You can't tell who is to blame but chances are that it's both of you even though he sounds like a tosser!

Personally I really dislike people who have tempers. I think it's agressive and nasty. You can stand up for yourself and be firm without loosing it. Are you choosing to loose your temper or are you unable to control yourself? Either option isn't great tbh
Do you have a temper with your
kids?

Just coming back to this thread after finally getting a couple of hours sleep.

I have read every message and I am so thankful for every one. Thank you.

I’ve been so upset thinking I’m the problem. But as many of you have pointed out, anger is a valid emotion. He even admits that we hardly argue, so how can my ‘explosive temper’ be an issue.

it has really struck me that he has never once asked how I am since we argued.

he thinks he is the one in the right because he doesn’t lose his temper or shout, but the way he is ignoring me and taking no responsibility for his actions is a far crueller way to behave. He says he’s too upset to speak to me, which might be true, but he is showing me that - at best- our communication styles are incompatible.

he knows I’m going through a really difficult time right now, but even now his messages are all about petty office dramas. Not to belittle them, but he acts like every small set back is a disaster. Meanwhile, I’m dealing with a very ill parent and my younger child has SEN and getting the right support has been a nightmare. Never once asked, how are you?

I’m done with it. Thank you all for your wise words - I’m going to re read this thread whenever I have a wobble.

I do have a temper, but it’s only after a lot of provocation.

i have lost it with my younger kid on occasion as he has ADHD and can be exhausting. His teachers lose it with him constantly.. I also think it makes me calmer though as I use strategies to defuse situations. When he shouts, I’ll try to understand where is anger is coming from and he calms down almost immediately.

but I think I lose it with my kids far less than most of the other parents I know.

Ex for a reason. Stop second guessing yourself. Be alone for a year. Learn to listen to yourself

“he says he doesn’t want to split up but can’t talk to me right now. he says he can’t face another argument, even though I’ve said I just want to talk things through.
**
so I’m left waiting to find out what is happening”.

Im really sorry OP but you desperately need to reframe your thinking…

You know what’s happening… He doesn’t want to split as he would prefer to continue to treat you badly - and you are giving him all the power to do that.

You don’t need his permission to end this and there is absolutely nothing to he gained from talking to him. (I’d love to be less sure of this, but I am 100% certain)

In your heart I think you know that this is an abusive relationship and that IT IS NOT YOU - it is definitely him.

Have you read the Lundy Bancroft book Why Does He Do That? If not I hope you’ll want to understand what is happening to you enough to download and read that book (kindle app or Apple Books). It is very compassionate and insightful and will help you feel a lot less crazy.

OP why do you want to be with a man who spend the whole weekend criticizing you and nitpicking, then rants and shouts at you when you react, then refuses to speak to you when you object to being verbally abused?

This is very true. For his birthday, I visited on the day and brought his card and present with me.

he complained that I hadn’t posted it so he had it in the morning. He is very thoughtful with birthday cards and presents ( for everyone) but it’s like he doesn’t accept that people have other ways of doing things.

was disappointed by his present, but when I said then please tell me what you want, so I can get it right. I was told that’s not what gift giving is about and I should know him well enough to get him something thoughtful and personal.

that’s just not right, is it?

No that’s not right. You got the ‘wrong’ thing but he won’t give you any idea what would have been right.

He’s a head fuck. The massive gesture you’ve clearly spent lots of time and effort on isn’t good enough, but I’m not gonna tell you what is good enough because then I wouldn’t have you running around, tredding on eggshells desperately trying to make the nice me come back.

This is not how a good partner behaves. This is not how somebody who loves and respects you behaves. A good partner is considerate of you all the time, even when things are difficult and stressful, they don’t punish you for doing nice things for them. You deserve better OP. Don’t let this arsehole destroy you,

He sounds like he has a world of issues. You say he almost feels resentment about splitting up last time, blaming you. It feels like that was the motivation to get back together, on his terms, and then he can act appallingly with a clear concience? As some sort of revenge? This is bad enough, but If not that then he's a gaslighter and potentially very emotionally abusive. Do you really want that around your kids? I'd think long and hard about not just blocking him now for your own long term sake.

He’s not potentially emotionally abusive, he is emotionally abusive

@ChihuahuasREvil Yeah, you are not wrong.

I just came to agree with @ChihuahuasREvil

I think you are right. I just can’t believe I’m in this situation again.

how hard is it for a man to just accept their part in a petty argument?

Often, very hard. Whether it's social conditioning or something else, where women will back down, try to compromise, find middle ground with the intention of resolving things, men not all men stand their ground and simply want to 'win'.

This guy is taking it too far, using it as a stick to beat you with. I suspect this is a power play, to get you to beg, plead, and promise to be 'good' and not have a 'temper' anymore. Then he's in control, 'allows' the relationship to continue, and from that day on you can never voice any of your feelings again, because you 'promised' and you're 'starting an argument'. Be careful. You risk never feeling stable in this relationship again.

This isn't a healthy relationship and looking at your follow-up posts, this man is 100% abusive and controlling and is gaslighting you.

Even if you are someone with a short fuse (which I doubt you are, but obviously I don't know you!) he is still behaving very badly here. Saying 'I don't want to split up, but I also can't see you because I can't deal with your temper' is awful emotional manipulation on his part and it's not OK.

The business with the birthday card etc? Fucking horrible.

Get this man out of your life. He's a nasty piece of work who enjoys making you feel like shit as a way of wrecking your self-esteem and manipulating your emotions.

It’s not a petty argument though is it. OP gave him a present which he wasn’t happy with, but rather than approach it in a kind way, because, like, OP was doing something nice for him, he spent the whole weekend bitching and snapping at her and refusing to tell her how she could rectify things. That’s not an argument, that’s him deliberately and persistently being a twat.

then OP got upset with him for deliberately and persistently being a twat, and instead of saying ‘oh sorry, I was being a twat,’ like normal people would, he ranted and shouted at her like it was she who was in the wrong .

then instead of apologising for being a twat all weekend, then shouting at her, he gave her the silent treatment. That’s not an argument either is it.

this isn’t about not backing down from a petty argument. OP, this is about control, and having you treading on eggshells trying to please him while he treats you like dirt. Whenever you’re unsure about what’s going on in a situation, flip the rolls round, would you consider it reasonable or excusable to behave towards him the way he does to you? I’m guessing the answer is no.