Why are some MN so vile?

[IsMNReallySoAgressive]

Some lovely people on MN.

However… I have been following a few threads tonight and I’ve noticed how unkind some people can be.

”My trauma was worse than yours so stop complaining.”

”Sarcastic or passive aggressive replies.”

Surely people are not this unkind in daily life.

Why do people feel they can speak to people so differently when they are not face to face? There is literally a whole load of people who lack empathy and common decency.

An OP is obviously upset/bothered enough to vent or ask for advice but the way some people reply is awful.

Everyone is entitled to their opinion and to offer advice. People need to hear opinions vastly different to theres, it’s how we learn and grown as humans. Do people need to be so vile in their replies telling people to get over themselves, their failing, etc. There is given advice and there’s just belittling people, being rude and making an OP feel worse about themselves.

AIBU to expect MNs to be able give advice, even if it’s not what the OP wants to hear, without insulting the OP?

To be fair, it might not be just rudeness that prompted that comment.

There have been a lot of these types threads of late and it benefits certain factions of the right wing press to constantly denigrate Mumsnet and call it a "a collection of shrews" or a "nest of vipers". You often see this sort of comment in the tabloids.

And one can only assume that some right leaning organisations have a vested interested in shutting down one of the last few places where women can speak freely about women's issues.

Mumsnet maybe a lot of things, especially if you post in AIBU, but there is still plenty of excellent support being given to women on here who are in abusive situations, women trying to leave unpleasant marriages, women in exploitative work situations, women trying to advance their careers, single mothers juggling it all, women who have had horrific birth experiences or who are trying to breast feed in the middle of the night. Etc. Etc.

Let's not throw the baby out with the bath water please Mumsnetters! Yes there are some pathetic people posting who obviously get a kick out of putting others down, but that is the price you pay for allowing free speech and the places where women can speak freely nowadays are few and far between! Overall Mumsnet allows women's issues to be debated in public and, generally speaking, trolls notwithstanding, that's a very good thing!

often its because the OP sounds thick as mince

My view of Mumsnet is not so unremittingly negative but those of us who object to the nastiness are not powerless, we can call it out and report.

Haha, I wanted two dc but twin pregnancy was second child so I have 3dds. I love them to bits but three is a lot! Twins are now almost 13 and fit and healthy, driving me nuts but overall I do love this age.

I’ve been on here for about 6 years under different usernames and I think some of the discussion on here can be really interesting and some of the posts are so insightful.
I’ve seen a lot of helpful advice, especially from those with grown up children.
Some posters are absolutely brilliant at giving practical advice on all sorts of topics. Some of the OPs are fake and deliberately designed to wind people up which is a big part of why you get very emotional responses on those threads.
Some people are on here to work off their own frustrations and you can easily see when someone is having a vicarious argument that they should have had with whoever has pissed them off irl.
Some people are on here because they just like a good argument.
If you are looking for advice it’s better to ask in the specific topic like mental health/ relationships/ childbirth etc even though they get less traffic. If you don’t have a thick skin, don’t start a thread. I literally never have. There are a lot of t rolls on here and that’s just a fact.
I just don’t engage with nastiness and report if necessary.
Personally I find nastiness a lot easier to deal with than genuine posters who create posts to work through their anxiety, particularly health anxiety. It’s not because I don’t have sympathy for them, it’s just that I also have anxiety and it sets me off. I try to avoid those.

Some are just too wedded to their own perspective (and/or too dumb as dog dung) to stop themselves being triggered into discrediting themselves by trying to do so to people they disagree with.

Welcome to the internet, where many come to fix their stupid and polish their turds.

The MN posters I absolutely cannot stand are those who take a moral high ground on other users over a fast-moving news topic that's being discussed. It usually involves time-sensitive updates that can obviously change the direction or sentiment of the thread but it's typical office water cooler talk that won't ever been seen or heard by the people involved in those news stories.

Examples that jump to mind are Kate Middleton's disappearance after the palace initially stated that it wasn't cancer related, or the search for Dr Michael Mosley. After Kate made the statement it was cancer after all, there was a group of posters who took unhinged glee in shredding up other posters for daring to speculate about her absence. They were posting the most repulsive insults saying other users are vile human beings, must be ashamed of themselves, utterly crazy, disgusting, psychopathic etc etc. The only difference is that they were fully aware their comments would be read by the real people they being targeted towards.

Those are the worst type of bullies. The insidious ones who lurk for the opportunity to find a moral high ground, and then come crashing down on realy people with the full force of their bile. They go about their day feeling smug and pleased about themselves but it's essentially exactly the mechanism as hurling direct insults and anonymous hate.

There are some really cruel posters and sometimes it feels like a race to be the first person to post something spiteful. Having said that, I've started to see more people calling it out which I think is great.

It's supposed to be a safe place for vulnerable women to speak freely but all it seems to be is a safe place for women to be vile, verbally abusive, attack eachother and troll.

Posters need to understand that MN has been (and will always be) targeted by men who don't like women having a safe place to seek help and advice from other women. So please don't say it's vile women being a problem when we don't actually know the poster's sex, or even intent. This is not to say that all men posting here are problem posters, some are actually quite lovely.

All the kind people are women and all the shits are disguised men obviously.

Sounds like you have a fantastic family! I do too, with four grandchildren who love me, as well as my daughters. I get on really well with my sons in law too! (Don’t mean to sound smug, just grateful).
Make the most of your lovely family. I warn you, they grow too quickly! I can understand that three is a lot, but it sounds good to me!

You are so right. We need to keep these nasty people out, or at the very least, ignore them. I must admit, I have angrily responded to nasty posts before but I wonder if that’s what they want. I think from now on, I’ll try to ignore the prats and concentrate on the posters worth listening to, and, thankfully, there are still a lot of those.

I couldn't agree more.

Completely agree with you! Sadly there are some very sad people on this app who take enjoyment out of being unnecessarily nasty to people they don't know on the internet. I used to get really upset by it but tend to feel sorry for these people now or just roll my eyes and keep scrolling.

I think many of the vile posters are men who are angry that a bunch of women are congregating.

@IsMNReallySoAgressive , yes it's a shame. I've had lots of support and advice from MN over the years on the Bereavement and Relationship boards for example. But there's now a hardcore of really nasty MN who get their kicks sneering at and attacking posters.
As @User235648 said, the insults have also become increasingly personal and repulsive. These MN posters are also obviously perfect as they have never made mistakes, felt frustrated or angry....yet love to kick someone when they're down. The herd mentality can be dangerous as you'll have 2 or 3 posters vigorously disagreeing with the OP so then the rest will pile on and it's nothing more than virtual bullying.

MN used to be funny, it's really lost its humour over the last 5 years or so. There are glimpses of it here and there still but you have to look hard.

People take everything very seriously now it seems.

it is anonymous, and they are hiding behind a keyboard. I do think some people genuinely think that they are just attacking words on a screen, with zero thought given to the person that has typed them.

A lot of people on here seem to have control issues. Think they get to tell someone else's opinion or how others live their lives. Imagine how they are in person...

Yes I don’t think this helps, I’ve not seen that as an option anywhere else.

A typical one is someone will maybe post that their mum did something a bit questionable and it was a little frustrating, along comes a poster who wishes their mum could do something questionable but she can’t because she died in the most traumatic way ever in human history, and she/he is the only person to experience a mum dying ever, so no matter how poor your own parents are you need to suck it up because my mums dead type replies.

I imagine if those posters were teenagers now they would be the ones cyber bullying others via snapchat etc.

When I first joined MN I had a handful of people that seemed to follow me around. Be nasty on my threads, derail them , lots of people thought I was a troll. It went on for sometime . Theses days a few people think My life is chaotic and feel sorry for my kids. I still get it now but on a much lower scale.

So I'm definitely glad I can name change I do it loads to be honest.

I actually think the nasties have done me good. I have always been overly sensitive and anxious about conflict. After a few months on MN that went out the window. The OPs that get absolutely demolished then reply with a "Well tell me how you really feel!" instead of taking the bait are my little heroes.

I definitely think it's good you can name change. Name-changing is not always done for subversive reasons. It might be because you don't want people from a thread where you've opened up about miscarriage, to identify you on a thread about trying to get pregnant, for example. Or you don't want everyone who "knows" you on a long-standing weight loss thread to know about your marital issues or whatever, it's not always malicious, just judicious sometimes to protect your privacy. And of course, since the hacking incidents, it's probably a good idea to nc regularly.

Yes, there's a difference between out and out nastiness and being honest and blunt, but I quite rightly got my arse handed to me on a plate way back when dinosaurs roamed the earth and I had my first child and started a thread complaining that I had no time. 😀

I did have time because I was only working pt and had a very supportive dh, and my first dd was in a crèche a few hours a week - in reality I was just struggling with the transition going from no dc to one dc and not using my time well - and posters told me in quite forthright terms where I was going wrong as I genuinely couldn't see it. I was a bit put out at the tone of the posts but in retrospect it really helped me and I got my act together.

So sometimes a bit of honest brusqueness, as long as it is not delivered in a way that is gratuitously unkind, isn't always a bad thing.