Why are some MN so vile?

[IsMNReallySoAgressive]

Some lovely people on MN.

However… I have been following a few threads tonight and I’ve noticed how unkind some people can be.

”My trauma was worse than yours so stop complaining.”

”Sarcastic or passive aggressive replies.”

Surely people are not this unkind in daily life.

Why do people feel they can speak to people so differently when they are not face to face? There is literally a whole load of people who lack empathy and common decency.

An OP is obviously upset/bothered enough to vent or ask for advice but the way some people reply is awful.

Everyone is entitled to their opinion and to offer advice. People need to hear opinions vastly different to theres, it’s how we learn and grown as humans. Do people need to be so vile in their replies telling people to get over themselves, their failing, etc. There is given advice and there’s just belittling people, being rude and making an OP feel worse about themselves.

AIBU to expect MNs to be able give advice, even if it’s not what the OP wants to hear, without insulting the OP?

Mumsnet can be awful. I think there are posters that are vulnerable, often in bad situations. In a very dark and low place. I have seen /experienced being ripped apart over domestic violence situations. Many woman suffer DV its taken then everything inside to reach out . They are already mentally fucked and are debating if how they are treated is ok. Are they the problem, are they to blame, is it their fault. Then MN comes along judges them. Victim blames rises the poster apart. How's that ever ok. There's no excuse it's never ever ok.

For me personally if I have a few posters coming for me . I don't report their posts . My reason is it's already been said . I have read it , deleting it does not take that away. But I do want other posters to read. So that poster is exposed for the sort of person they are. I feel like deleting is covering up the sort of person they are . That's a me thing though I di.t think most think like I do. And maybe they just want the comment gone . I get that to.

On the other hand MN can be fantastic. I have had lots of support. People have been lovely and MN is my go to. There are lovely people on here and I think they out weigh the nastiness on here. Just take away what you feel helps you .

It's not getting worse. It's the same.

I'm guilty of occasionally posting sarcastic replies. My guess is because this is an anonymous forum, people use it as an opportunity to say what they're really thinking, because they work in jobs where they never can.

I know a factory worker who refers to his workplace as a 'zoo'. He was mindblown when I told him about our works Christmas do and how we were still talking as if we were at work during the meal, and everyone left at 9pm for fear of getting too drunk.

I can guess which employees are more likely to be going home and getting passive aggressive on anonymous forums...

Yes to this.

MN was the place to come for advice once now you bring boxing gloves.
Ive seen posters get piled on for miss spelling/grammar.
Wording something in a different way.
There is alot of bullies on here.
But most of the threads are made up .
I saw one poster that said she didnt like teachers OMG all the teachers seemed to come out that night and bullied her made me think i get why she said it proof is in the pudding.
Even though she said she could have worded it better.
And it looks like everyone has a child with some health issues i see it a lot like its an excuse.
And MN dont have mums under the age of 30.
I once got called a whore because i had a baby at 19 but the poster said she would have been out sleeping with a 100 hot men at that age enjoying life
I thought if thats how you enjoy life no thanks.
Everyones rich and owns something I really dont fit in on MN.

Don’t forget to include the OPs that are rude or refuse to take on board advice which they have asked for by starting the thread in the first place. So many OPs are AIBU? Then most posters say they are but the OP insists on telling everyone they are wrong and/or irritated by adding a massive drip feed.

Don't bet on it. Being anonymous frees people.

The thing with that is people don't have to take advice. They may have taken advice from other posters. Some people are not looking for advice but just a place to share. Some posters think they know the answers but actually they don't. Either that or they don't know how hard lt is to access support.

Your post is ironic given you are very disparaging about other women yourself. I'm more than capable of taking issue with the substance of a point someone posts. What you'll never see me do is refer to other women as 'bitches'.

And of course there isn't a sisterhood. No one owes unquestioning support to others by virtue of the fact that they were born the same sex.

A PP above hits the nail on the head. The site is far bigger than previously. As well as attracting its core demographic - made up of good, bad, mostly in-between and sometimes people having an off-day - it also a magnet for trolls and MRAs.

There's a particular brand of activism which has long tried to have discussion and if necessary this site closed down. These 'trolls' (in the older sense of that word) post particular threads calculated to illicit an emotive response. They also make a beeline for particular topics to 'tell off' the women posting on them, because women talking about issues that affect them appear seriously offensive to some who think we should keep silent, 'suffer and be still'.

These threads then appear copied elsewhere on the www to show everyone else what a bunch of malevolent old shrews Mumsnetters are.

It's tediously relentless, and once seen it's transparent. It's really quite disconcerting how much some people hate women, and the lengths they will go to to take us down a peg.

Yes I hear you op no need for how people get spoken to this type of behaviours can lead to the vulnerable commuting suicide etc I've come off aibu feeling like shit.

It's easy to be nasty while hidden behind anonymity

I think it’s more of an issue when an OP comes on, gives one side of an issue .. and the first thing projected into them is LTB, block, grey rock (particularly with In Laws) etc.

No .. “are you sure” “what did you say” just, and echo chamber for the OP

The anonymity I think.

Recent thread I posted what felt like a huge pile on to me.
You expect some harsh words but I think people go troll hunting and constant disbelief, downright rudeness in some cases can be damaging to those posters who are genuine.

I'm female, 55, married 29 years, no kids... I came onto Mumsnet years ago, as I was directed here after typing a question into a search engine. My first experience felt so supportive, I wasn't the only woman facing this issue.
But since then, I've found that I hold back on commenting a lot. I recently posted on what was supposed to be a "lighthearted" thread, only to be shot down in flames! Some people can't help themselves on commenting, even if their comment has no use at all to the thread and is just a means for them to be nasty or look "clever". You answer back and they either ignore it, or carry on in the same vein and not explain their comment!
In my 55 years on this planet, I've been through/am going through a lot, dealt with various lifelong friends babies/children, had enough life experiences to be able to feel I have a valid contribution to make on here sometimes. But knowing that a lot of MN's know that I don't really count as I've never given birth, does put me off somewhat.
I could only name change between two names, it now no longer recognises my original name! I think even if ID was used to sign up, it wouldn't keep the imposters out.
I'll still come on though and judge the post and the comments following, before posting my own comment. Sometimes it's easy to see what is " click bait" or not.

There are some very inadequate people around who need to be spiteful and aggressive to others to get validation - and some people make up the most stupid sounding arguments just because they want to be contradictory! - just skim over their posts and concentrate on the constructive posts.

I think it's a reflection of life. If I asked a big group of random strangers for life advice, I'd expect a range of responses. We must never forget that a large proportion of people are complete arseholes and that everyone has an opinion on something, that other people would consider wrong, rude or 'vile'

Some people use the forum to express their own unprocessed pain/anger/aggression (pain). Unfortunately people like that usually always act out, not in, so will never be the ones to get therapy. You can spot the posts like that, they're full of pent up rage, but it's theirs, so do your best to ignore it.

.

Really great replies! With odd troll! They couldn’t even stay of this post!

I am definitely going to make it a thing to start calling people out if they’re being unkind! I’ve never thought about how vulnerable an OP might be and how truly damaging a comment could be.

I wanted twins, but didn’t manage it! I have two beautiful daughters with two years between them.
The feeding issue with your babies must have been terrifying, not to mention the worry over them being premature but from the tone of your post, I get the impression that everything is ok now. I do hope so.
By the way, the reason I wanted twins was so that I could get my family in just one birth! I’m a wimp!

The thread by the struggling new dad was absolutely disgusting. Don’t think I’ve ever seen so many spiteful bullies all in one place.

I've been around on MN on and off for about 20 years with various name-changes along the way.

It's always been a bit of a vipers' nest but has certainly got worse as the era of keyboard warriors has evolved. Discussion is often impossible now so I try to avoid posting, and go through long phases of not even looking at it.

I think it’s getting worse, there are people on here who would argue with themselves just to make a point, so many unkind people I step away now if I see that I don’t want to read it. I just think if you’ve got nothing constructive or helpful to say move on, I don’t get being unkind or nasty for the sake of it, it’s put me off starting any threads of my own these days either.

YANBU. When I've been OP , I've had mostly good replies except the odd one idiot.

As a poster on other threads though, fuck me, people cannot cope with even the slightest deviation from their own opinion. They become nasty and insulting for no fucking reason. I wonder who these people are IRL, absolute keyboard warriors.

But also YABU because this is an anon forum on the internet. It's probably one of the tamest compared to sites like Twitter which have a just dreadful. We have it relatively good here, you can trust that personal attacks will be deleted 8/10 times.

It's supposed to be a safe place for vulnerable women to speak freely but all it seems to be is a safe place for women to be vile, verbally abusive, attack eachother and troll. It's an absolute cesspit to a degree and the people benefiting who are in need of genuine support are in a clear minority. I mean some threads do seem geared towards causing negative responses but almost every thread will be derailed with nastiness. Most of the time when I post a reply I don't even bother to go back to the thread because I know there will be pages and pages of bitchy nasty comments in response. The admins can't honestly be proud of the way this place has turned out especially when such a large majority of responses go completely against the ethos of the site. It just isn't like this on other forums. I've never experienced such high level of openly abusive posts anywhere.