Family Court Judges ignoring abuse

[BluntDeer]

I can't even begin to express the frustration and heartbreak I'm experiencing due to the unjust treatment I'm facing within the family court system. My child is 20 months old, and have been going through a custody battle for the last year. Father has multiple arrests on record, due to his behaviour around me and our child. Lives with a family member who is in active addiction, an alcoholic. His parents have stalked me, and helped him carry on his abuse on me.

It's truly devastating to see my precious child being sent to an environment that I know is not only unsafe but also filled with constant danger. Although a few months of contact centre were first ordered, the judge has now granted him 2 days a week.

The evidence I've presented clearly shows the prior abuse the father subjected me to while pregnant, and the unsafe conditions my child's father exposes them to. It's incredibly distressing to witness the court's disregard for my concerns, as if they're turning a blind eye to the well-being of my baby. My barrister has mentioned the father’s behaviour multiple times, which the judge completely ignored. The living conditions my child's father subjects them to, surrounded by drug addicts and alcoholics, is a constant source of worry and fear for me. I feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle, desperately trying to protect my child from harm. I feel like women, and domestic abuse survivors have absolutely no rights in this country. Even if they do manage to escape an abusive relationship, they still have to hand their child to an abuser multiple times a week, or be threatened with change of custody by the judge.

My solicitor said also said exactly that about the safety issues. It was blatenty ignored by the judge. What alarm did you have in mind? Sort of a rape alarm type of device? For the time being i press record on my phone and then place it in my pocket.

This really needs a media campaign and a similar to post office drama just to hit home what is going on. It’s shocking and I feel for all of you mothers going through this. 🙁🌹🌹

Yes I carry a little rape alarm with me. Also it might worth it to find out how to do a "silent call". I don't know if it's the same as I'm in England. Here you tap 55 when unable to talk.

I suffered this back in the 1980's OP. I had a "progressive" families need fathers type of female judge.
Judge Norrie if you are reading this I hope you had a miserable life because you ruined ours.
Anyway I just kept fighting and fighting until I got sole custody. It was a long hard slog but I did it in the end.
I had to give up my wonderful job to get legal aid.

In my personal experience?

Because he molested a girl and he had boys it's "rare" to molested both sexes apparently

Like I should be happy about this

The family courts can’t really win. Men say, women always win and women say, men always win, in the middle of this is the children. The judge has to make decisions on what is in the best interest of the child and often, one or both are parents won’t agree. The decisions also must be based on actual evidence and not just the strongly held opinions of another, even with good reason. For example, someone being arrested for DV is not definitive evidence of DV. This could be considered a risk which the judge must take into account when making decisions but it can’t be taken as fact if there is no other evidence , as difficult as that is. That is not always going to be right or fair but it is reality of balancing competing opinions against the best interest of the person who often has no say.

In any event, there is a pilot around bringing transparency into the family courts. If you can get media/journalist interest, they can apply to attend and report. I suspect it is something that will be happening a lot this year.

op it must be horrible what you are having to endure. Hopefully there will be drastic change in family courts. So many horrific stories of women just trying to keep children safe and men using court as a form of control. Yes, I’m sure there is the occasional man stopped from seeing their children for no reason but I believe many more children are forced to have contact with men that they shouldn’t. The bar is so low for men parenting. Hopefully children once they reach 18 can sue for forced contact that wasn’t in their best interests. Good luck op I really hope a variation can be made or he loses interest.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. They claim to prioritise the child but in reality they prioritise perceived "fairness" between the mother and father. Nobody would award 50/50 or give unsupervised access to an abuser if it was really about the child.

It's all because of years of men (and their duped handmaidens) whining that courts favoured mothers. Hopefully in a few years sense will prevail.

That actually makes me feel physically sick. Utterly reprehensible behaviour. Why would a judge risk it though? Why?

This reminds me of something I don't understand. If someone is convicted for watching child sexual abuse images, if they watched more boys than girls, it's an aggravating factor. No idea why

Unfortunately they do and is vile. My son’s dad was abusive and abused me during my pregnancy (even after I left the relationship). I was pregnant and had to go to the police multiple times because he was making threats on my life and threatening to beat me up and set me on fire. family courts saw the evidence and couldn’t care less. I asked for a third party in court due to his abuse, ex stated he only wanted to see me at handovers and instead of the judges seeing that as a red flag they enabled him and granted ‘NO third party ALLOWED’. Ex also failed multiple drug testing and they still allowed unsupervised contact. They didn’t even care that he was abusive and because he is likely a narcissist, he charmed them and the judges shamed me and treated HIM as a victim.

In one case the judge ruled that the child was the wrong sex to be attractive to the father. In another it was that he'd viewed children who were very young and as pre-teens they didn't appeal to him.

Sadly we know where an abuser is around a child thst isn't their specific type, they'll either make do or use the available child as currency to get what they prefer from other offenders.

One of the women had left her husband due to the abuse being discovered. She confided she'd have been better staying with him, at least then she'd be present.

It's sheer lunacy.

The things I've heard are horrific. Generally children are used as no more than a tool by which to control the mother.

One woman admitted she'd considered ended it all for her and her child to avoid the child being left with her ex unattended. The judge ruled no contact at all was safe in that case. Thankfully.

but some of the women I've supported have been put through literal hell.

Op I'm a Social Worker in NI. A children's court officer is not involved in the day to day lives of families they will meet with parties involved and present a report with recommendations to the court that's it. Therefore if it comes down to it that court allows unsupervised access, if you have any concerns during or after the first unsupervised contact then ring Gateway straight away to make a referral. If there is ongoing concerns and he is having contact then Social Services should be involved because that is their role to safeguard and assess any risks.

The judge allowed unsupervised before we even had a children’s court officer come to meet, still waiting for their visit, is it any use letting them know about his past records of abuse? All that he had admitted to during his interview with police.

I was attacked during court ordered handovers, in front of the children. I went to A&E and they contacted the police. Ex took it back to court and the judge ruled that I was being abusive and alienating for reporting the children's father to the police.

The difficulty is that neither outcome is a good outcome. They have to balance the harm caused by limited/no contact vs the risk of harm. Arguably, he was abusive to you but not the child which is the stance the court take. You also can't just ignore the court order, residency reversals are not that uncommon.

If any issues arise keep a careful log and obtain any independent evidence possible. Return to court if you have more concrete evidence

I suffered years of horrific coercive control at the hands of my ex-husband. When I brave enough (or quite arguably stupid enough) to leave him he got 50/50 custody of our two boys who were just 3 and 6 at the time.
A decade on and the situation is even worse.
The family courts are a disgrace.

Why do family court judges seem to completely disregard mothers concerns?

My little boys father has made life living hell for over a year now, he has never been a ‘active’ father. Contact between him and my son stopped August last year due to him using our son as a tool when he couldn’t get his own way, for example he had my son after work on a Thursday he would pick him up and then drop him back off to my mum (I live with her) as I worked until 9.30 so she would get him ready for bed, after me saying no I do not want to get back together with him he then refused to drop my son off and told me I had to pick him up at 9.30pm which I said it wouldn’t be fair to keep him up to late! Long story short after his abuse and a number of other issues I felt like it was best to stop contact and have a plan in place via solicitor so he couldn’t keep causing issues. We have been going through court for 8 months now, and he said he wanted my son 4 nights 5 days a week so he didn’t have to pay csa! I addressed every single concern and worry I have.
-He gets angry with him when he’s crying
-When he does have him he doesn’t feed him properly to the point he gave him a chicken nugget and 3 chips, my son suffers with constipation so he needs a good diet
-One occasion he didn’t give him a drink for 7 hours because he ‘forgot’
-He thought it was ok to go the pub with him and drink a lot and drive
-He has never done his daytime and night time routine
-A month ago he got me arrested and lied to the police I spent 23 hours in a cell on my birthday and I was meant to be going on holiday which I missed! I luckily managed to show the police that he was lieing which resulted in him getting a caution for wasting police time! then he tried to make me sound like a unfit mother in the family court but then had a big surprise when the judge said that he knows about his lies. I now have a injunction against him.
-My son cry’s when he picks him up and then comes home in a right state and clearly un happy and stressed it’s heartbreaking seeing him like that.
-The only over night he had him for he kept him in the same clothes for 24 hrs he had clearly not slept much as he slept for 6 hours when he got home

i appealed to the court to stop the overnights until my son is in a better place and more confident being with his father and because of the reasons above and I didn’t get listened to. I have now got in touch with a health visitor who has actually said she didn’t think it was ok to put a 18 month old through it all. I cannot carry on with how it’s all affecting my son. Does the courts actually listen to health visitors?

I think you will find they use the term "different parenting styles" will be weaponised against you "mum believes the child should be fed x type of food due to alleged constipation we don't believe this is essential to enforce and believe this is different parenting styles" " mum is micromanaging dad's parenting to his detriment" "mum wishes to excessively control dad's contact time" "mum appears uncomfortable with dad's contact we believe parental alienation is a possibility" yada yada

Unfortunately there is a father-bias in family courts.

Have the courts asked ss for a section 7 or 37??

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-66531409

I could write a book on this …..
thinking of you OP. I have been going through this since November 2019. Endless court hearings….. family court is a vehicle for abusers to continue to abuse. It’s horrific.
I hope we see some radical reforms of the family court system because it’s not fit for purpose IMO.
The Judge in my case is ruling AGAINST Cafcass advice which stated repeatedly that my ex is continually aggressive towards me and it puts my child at risk. It’s heartbreaking.

One woman’s gruelling but ultimately successful fight:

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/domestic-abuse-allegations-family-courts-b2061600.html