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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I shouldn't have to live like this?

64 replies

Idontknowwhatsgoingonanymore · 11/02/2024 17:36

My DH is often moody, this is something that happened since we got married - he wasn't like this before and if he had been, I wouldn't have married him! (Married 3 years, second time round for us both)

He says he needs 'me time' in order to not be grumpy, meaning he wants time at home on his own to play computer games/chill out. I have 2 DC from my 1st marriage, he has 2 DC from his first marriage too. Mine live with us, his don't but we have them regularly.

At weekends I want to go out as a family, he doesn't. I WFH so find I need to get out at weekends, he is the opposite.

Anyway, I feel like I am walking on eggshells around him. He asks for something to happen, I do what he asks and he is still moody! I've told him I can't deal with the moods, he says he can't help it. He doesn't like lots of noise so I've got him some of those ear plugs that block out some noise but not all, We're having carpet fitted to minimise noise on the laminate (esp the dogs claws as they walk around). I don't know what else I can do!

AIBU to think I shouldn't have to live like this? I'm constantly on edge as to what sort of mood he will be in when he gets home, I do things on my own most weekends so he can have this 'me time' he craves (and NEEDS apparently so he's not moody) which Ieaves me feeling like a single Mum, which I may as well bloody be so I don't have to deal with the moods!

When he's not moody, he's lovely and we have a great time together. I don't know what to do anymore.

OP posts:
LividBath · 11/02/2024 17:37

Divorce him, you’re not compatible.

Cocacolacarrie · 11/02/2024 17:39

Bin him off.

Purplewarrior · 11/02/2024 17:39

So as long as you do everything according to his r, he’s lovely.

Otherwise you are treading on eggshells? How is living like this affecting your DC?

I can’t see he is adding much to your life, and I wouldn’t want my DC to see me living like this.

InsidiousRasperry · 11/02/2024 17:40

You should leave him. Hopefully this gives you the reassurance you need.

sharptoothlemonshark · 11/02/2024 17:41

this sounds miserable, I would not want to continue living like this

TeeBee · 11/02/2024 17:41

Easy, get rid.

cestlavielife · 11/02/2024 17:42

Lovely sonetines is not good enough.
You made a mistake getting married. But it is ok to own it and Move on.
Your dc will thank you

ClemFandangooo · 11/02/2024 17:42

Life's too short to live like this and it's not fair on your children either who will be picking up on his moodiness

Veronicaisaflower · 11/02/2024 17:43

Yeet!

Ursulla · 11/02/2024 17:43

Yeah divorce him. He sounds like my dad and it was miserable growing up. Don't have your kids live in a miserable house.

My mum didn't divorce my dad and now they're both very old. She's spent her adult life not doing things in case he gets upset, socialising alone and generally doing far less than she would have liked to do. She spent lockdown in a house with her only company being a miserable bad tempered man. I've spent more time than I'd have liked to in therapy. I don't blame my mum - I feel sad for her - but I wish for all of our sakes that she had divorced him.

Fidgety31 · 11/02/2024 17:43

Tbh I don’t see why he would want to do family time weekends with your kids - they arent his so he probably finds it boring .

He should be entertaining his own kids though .

bluebeck · 11/02/2024 17:45

So do you have to take his DC out as well as your own?

He sounds selfish and entitled.

MermaidEyes · 11/02/2024 17:46

Tbh if he's at work all week I can understand him wanting a bit of time to himself to chill out. There are two days on a weekend, so you should agree to compromise. One day is spent as a family day doing something out of the house, and the other is for you both to chill out and do your own thing, and the kids can entertain themselves. If he doesn't agree to that then he really is an arse.

lifebeginsaftercoffee · 11/02/2024 17:50

Blending families is never easy, and living with two kids who aren't yours on a full-time basis must be quite hard.

But he knew the score when you met and shouldn't have married you and moved in with you if he didn't want a new family.

I would chuck him back in the sea and find someone else.

WaltzingWaters · 11/02/2024 18:02

How often does he see his own kids? Are you expected to entertain them also whilst he has quiet time?
I can understand him wanting some time to relax, but there needs to be compromise, and he should be the one looking after his kids whilst he has them, and you 100% shouldn’t be walking on eggshells when he’s in a bad mood, he needs to control this or leave him.

TwylaSands · 11/02/2024 18:06

Divorce him. He is making you miserable. So not doubt the children will also be miserable. Don't have your children live a miserable life walking on eggshells.

does he do everything for is children when his children are there?

Trinity69 · 11/02/2024 18:07

My Ex was like this and it got to the point I dreaded him coming home. It’s the main reason he’s my ex and the relief when he had finally gone was immense.

Mrsttcno1 · 11/02/2024 18:09

It just sounds like you aren’t compatible sadly. I have to say I can totally see where he is coming from with regards to needing his “me time” because DH & I are both like that to an extent, we both like to have some time to ourselves to decompress/relax and if I didn’t have that I’d be a bit irritable.

I also totally know what you mean with WFH & wanting to be out and about at weekends. I used to be full time WFH (now hybrid which is much better for me) and I found DH & I were annoying each other when I was WFH full time because he would come home from a busy day in the office surrounded by people and chatter so he wanted to come home and relax with some peace and quiet, whereas I’d been at home on my own all day so was desperate to chat to him when he came through the door🤣 it does make your needs a bit incompatible and you have to find a balance!

As long as he looks after his children when they are there, I don’t think you can really be annoyed at him not wanting to go out and about with you & yours on a weekend. He’s been out all week at work so wants to chill in the house in his free time, whereas you’ve been in the house all week so want to get out and about on a weekend! X

iceskater1 · 11/02/2024 18:14

He's immature, OP. In his head he is still 15. You need a grown up.

Original poster
Idontknowwhatsgoingonanymore · 11/02/2024 18:34

Thank you everyone for your replies

I grew up in a house where my Dad was often miserable and his moods would affect the whole house. He and my Mum are still together and he is a lot less moody than he used to be, my Mum is very cheerful and always has been - I don't know how she did it

For those asking, when we have his kids he ferries them to clubs on a Saturday and other than that they're left to their own devices (both teens so spend all day on phones/Xbox). He admits he hates having them and loves having them in equal measure?? He likes having them here but doesn't enjoy the effort it takes.

I don't expect him to do stuff with me and my children every weekend, we only have mine every other weekend so in those middle ones we either have his or it's just the two of us and his stance remains the same

We used to do the 1 day each thing, however when he did come out with just me or me and my children, it was like dragging a sullen teenager around as it was obvious he didn't want to be there. Even my parents have picked up on it. They ask if he's coming when I go out with them as they say it's obvious he doesn't want to be there and he makes little to no effort at conversation with them when we're invited to their house for dinner either

Writing it all down it sounds awful but there are times when he's the polar opposite and that's what he was like when we met and during the 4 years before we got married. I'm not sure what's happened.

OP posts:
chantelion · 11/02/2024 18:57

I grew up in a house where my Dad was often miserable and his moods would affect the whole house.

Do you realise you are subjecting your kids to the same type of childhood? This isn't even their father, but someone you chose and brought into their lives. It's not ok that they should live like this. This isn't acceptable and you really should leave.

BookArt · 11/02/2024 18:59

Besides me having two kids with my now ex, I could have written your post. I have only just moved out a week ago and I ended it just before Christmas. He was/is the exact same person as you describe. I stayed thinking it was a phase, did everything he asked, and changed my approach in how I was in the home when he was there... nothing changed. The last couple of years he was foul to me, would just ignore my presence etc and blame the fact that we have two young children.

What I am trying to say is, you have broached this subject with him. He's given alone time as his need, and that he doesn't thoroughly enjoy doing things. Are you happy with a life of being a single mum in a relationship and doing things on your own? I know I wasn't.

Also, your resentment will build. Mind did.

Like I said, I moved out 1.5 weeks ago. I just had my first weekend with my 1 and 5 year old alone and we have felt free. We haven't had to care about noise, we have laughed so much and loudly. I am more relaxed. I'm sleeping better and that feeling of resentment that has been eating away from me has eased (and I didn't fully realise the level of resentment until I got out).

My main thing was, my ex wasn't prioritising our kids or me. It was all about him and his needs. When he did attend he ruined the atmosphere. My immediate family felt the same way as yours. Do you want this for the rest of your life? Sounds like the answer is no. I wish you luck, and enjoy your freedom when you do get out.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 11/02/2024 19:04

May I ask how old are you? He sounds like a boring old grumpy man … well before his time…. Do you really want to go into retirement with this sullen grumpy fun thief?!

We all need downtime now and then but not to the point you are walking on eggshells and he’s being petulant to your parents!!!

Start making plans to divorce so you can enjoy life again and now walk on eggshells

ChlorineSalt · 11/02/2024 19:09

I would hate not to feel relaxed in my own house. It would be a dealbreaker.

Purplewarrior · 11/02/2024 19:10

You really shouldn’t be subjecting your DC to this OP.

He was nice to lure you in, but now you are married, he only has to bother being nice occasionally, and can be his authentic horrible self the rest of the time and you will just suck it up (or so he thinks)

Please, if you won’t leave him to improve your own life, do it for the kids.