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AIBU?

To think I shouldn't have to live like this?

64 replies

Idontknowwhatsgoingonanymore · 11/02/2024 17:36

My DH is often moody, this is something that happened since we got married - he wasn't like this before and if he had been, I wouldn't have married him! (Married 3 years, second time round for us both)

He says he needs 'me time' in order to not be grumpy, meaning he wants time at home on his own to play computer games/chill out. I have 2 DC from my 1st marriage, he has 2 DC from his first marriage too. Mine live with us, his don't but we have them regularly.

At weekends I want to go out as a family, he doesn't. I WFH so find I need to get out at weekends, he is the opposite.

Anyway, I feel like I am walking on eggshells around him. He asks for something to happen, I do what he asks and he is still moody! I've told him I can't deal with the moods, he says he can't help it. He doesn't like lots of noise so I've got him some of those ear plugs that block out some noise but not all, We're having carpet fitted to minimise noise on the laminate (esp the dogs claws as they walk around). I don't know what else I can do!

AIBU to think I shouldn't have to live like this? I'm constantly on edge as to what sort of mood he will be in when he gets home, I do things on my own most weekends so he can have this 'me time' he craves (and NEEDS apparently so he's not moody) which Ieaves me feeling like a single Mum, which I may as well bloody be so I don't have to deal with the moods!

When he's not moody, he's lovely and we have a great time together. I don't know what to do anymore.

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

244 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
5%
You are NOT being unreasonable
95%
YeahBrackie · 11/02/2024 19:11

Sounds like he wants the simple single life. He can have as much "me time" as he wants if you get him to sling his hook.

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Ktime · 11/02/2024 19:17

Sounds like he hid his true colours from you until your lives were enmeshed.

I’d give him an ultimatum, one that you mean.

Madness to live your whole life treading on eggshells. Not nice for your kids either.

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mycatsanutter · 11/02/2024 19:19

So you have every other weekend just the two of you and he doesn't want to do anything and the rest of the time he is grumpy . Honestly life is way too short for this .

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TwylaSands · 11/02/2024 19:23

He still sounds awful.

He admits he hates having them …doesn't enjoy the effort it takes.
that’s his own children. How do you think he feels about yours?! How long before yours know how the man living in their house feels about them?

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JCLV · 11/02/2024 19:27

Nothing worse than walking on eggshells the whole time. That’s not normal married life. He sounds very immature. Like a moody teen.

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Liveandforget · 11/02/2024 19:29

chantelion · 11/02/2024 18:57

I grew up in a house where my Dad was often miserable and his moods would affect the whole house.

Do you realise you are subjecting your kids to the same type of childhood? This isn't even their father, but someone you chose and brought into their lives. It's not ok that they should live like this. This isn't acceptable and you really should leave.

Please take note of this op. Your dc have been living in this atmosphere for 3 years. That's awful

of course he's not horrible all the time, he's nice just enough of the time to keep you believing the nice man you married is still there. Google the cycle of abuse

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FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 11/02/2024 19:31

Sorry but a grown man playing computer games is pathetic.

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Idontknowwhatsgoingonanymore · 11/02/2024 19:33

Thank you so much everyone for your responses, I really appreciate them and have read each one and inwardly digested!

I am concerned about the affect on DC, but I am worried about them too in as much as that's two 'broken' relationships they'll have experienced. My first marriage ended because ExH cheated on me, I was very careful before coming into this relationship because of my DC, I am so incredibly angry that he put on this show for FOUR YEARS and now I'm in this situation

Perhaps I should harness that anger and use it to leave

My Dad did say to me though, that he is concerned about the effect leaving would have on my DC, and sometimes it's 'better the devil you know' - is that terrible advice?

OP posts:
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Ktime · 11/02/2024 19:36

Yes, your dad is very wrong, please ignore him.

Your dc will be happier with a happy mum.

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booktokbear · 11/02/2024 19:40

I think staying would be worse for the kids, and yourself.

Walking on egg shells is awful. We had to do that around my Dad and it's really affected my whole being. Apologising all the time and thinking I'm guilty of everything and anything.

There is no shame, he hid who he really was.

Stay strong and give yourself and your DC the chance of a happier future Flowers

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SleepingBeautySnores · 11/02/2024 19:43

Please DO NOT take the advice your Dad gave you OP! By leaving you would be showing your kids that it's not OK to have to walk on egg shells around a partner, and that life doesn't have to be miserable if you're married, you do have a choice. I don't think you've said how old your kids are, but if they're at a stage where they'll understand, I would be inclined to explain to them that you didn't marry the new man until you felt as sure as you could be that he would be a good husband, but sadly, even then, it's easy for people to put on a show until they've got you where they want you, and then they get lazy, and show their true colours. So you are leaving to make sure that life is as happy for you all as it can be. I bet that if he's as moody as you say, the kids would be glad to hear that you're getting rid of him, assuming you decide that's what you want to do.

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gavisconismyfriend · 11/02/2024 20:49

You said yourself that your dad was moody when you were growing up. So of course he thinks it is reasonable to suggest you stay with your husband who is behaving in exactly the same way! Your dad probably thinks it is acceptable behaviour. It is not!!!

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JungsWordTest · 11/02/2024 20:50

Idontknowwhatsgoingonanymore · 11/02/2024 19:33

Thank you so much everyone for your responses, I really appreciate them and have read each one and inwardly digested!

I am concerned about the affect on DC, but I am worried about them too in as much as that's two 'broken' relationships they'll have experienced. My first marriage ended because ExH cheated on me, I was very careful before coming into this relationship because of my DC, I am so incredibly angry that he put on this show for FOUR YEARS and now I'm in this situation

Perhaps I should harness that anger and use it to leave

My Dad did say to me though, that he is concerned about the effect leaving would have on my DC, and sometimes it's 'better the devil you know' - is that terrible advice?

I grew up in a house where my Dad was often miserable and his moods would affect the whole house. He and my Mum are still together and he is a lot less moody than he used to be, my Mum is very cheerful and always has been - I don't know how she did it

Given your childhood, and the echoing broken relationship patterns in your own marriages, I think that therapy would be the only workable option to ensure you don't make the same mistakes again.

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Autumcolors · 11/02/2024 20:54

I Wonder if he had ASD. The sensory issues with loudness and needing time alone with make sense with that.
Id suggest marriage therapy - with a therapist who has experience of ASD in men in marriages.

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mrsjareth · 11/02/2024 20:57

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 11/02/2024 19:31

Sorry but a grown man playing computer games is pathetic.

Erm no it isn't. I'm a grown woman and I play games on the switch. Am I pathetic?

The problem is the way he's treating his family, not the fact he's playing games.

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estraaanged · 11/02/2024 21:03

Sounds like my H who is autistic.

Was fine in the early days, or seemed it, but was just masking.

Completely incompatible with family life.

We're separated and get on now.

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Thementalloadisreal · 11/02/2024 21:03

He needs to know that you’re not happy with his attitude and that his “me time” will significantly decrease if you leave and he has to entertain his own DC all by himself.

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Zoomzoomzoomzoom0 · 11/02/2024 21:03

Do not take your father's advice!
Better the devil you know? Better no devil at all ta very much!
Who owns the house you are living in?

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Musntapplecrumble · 11/02/2024 21:53

Sit him down and show him your posts and tell him that's exactly how you feel, asking him how can it be overcome? X

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Cornishclio · 11/02/2024 22:04

Sounds like there are some sensory issues or he has ASD if he struggles with noise and needing a lot of downtime. If he wasn't like that before you got married though that indicates he was masking unless there have been other things going on like problems at work or you making more demands on him. Were you WFH before getting married?

I kind of get why he doesn't want to be out and about all weekend but if he is not willing to compromise at all or acts like a sullen teenager when you go out then you need to think whether you can put up with that.

Did you buy the house together? Do you own or rent? He sounds miserable and not nice to be around anyway which can't be nice for your DC either,

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AcrossthePond55 · 11/02/2024 22:41

@Idontknowwhatsgoingonanymore

You've only been married 3 years and have no children together. I'd be out of there so fast it'd make his head spin. And I'd file for divorce right away so it'll be done and dusted before the 5 year mark, just in case the clock doesn't stop running at the date of separation.

Only 'issues' might be finances and housing. In a 'short term marriage (I believe less than 5 years) I think in the UK it's pretty much 'leave with what you came with'. So unless there has been some kind of financial windfall/inheritance/lotto win it would hopefully be easy enough to figure out how to divide the money. Is the home you're living in yours, his, or 'ours'? Or do you rent? If there's home ownership involved you really need to get a solicitor involved, especially if you've invested any money in a home that was his before the marriage. Likewise if he decides to get nasty about things. On second thought, just go see a solicitor right away and get the answers right from the horse's mouth.

Just don't stay where you are miserable. There is nothing worse than being unhappy in a marriage. Nothing.

As far as your DC, they'll be fine. Yes, there will be that period of upheaval, but they will adjust. And they will be happier for living in a peaceful and calm home with you. As far as the future, perhaps you might want to consider 'swearing off' men for a bit and see about counseling. I had 2 disastrous relationships and ended up going to counseling to figure out why I picked such shit men and how to stop! It took 18 months of hard work and some hard truths but I got there in the end!

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19lottie82 · 11/02/2024 23:19

God, I used to have one of these (a grumpy husband). Since I’ve got rid of him I’ve never been happier! No one should have to walk around on egg shells all the time, its soul destroying.

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MassageForLife · 11/02/2024 23:28

Op, if you are truly honest with yourself, without taking the children's feelings into account, what do you want?

As I see it, you have three options.

  1. stay with him, hoping that he'll change - but he probably won't, or at least not for a long time
  2. stay in the marriage, but live separately. This works really well for some couples, it wouldn't work at all for others. But if you don't want to, or are not ready to, end the marriage - this could be a good option
  3. leave him

    Being really true to yourself - what do YOU want? Because you doing what you need to be happy will be the best thing you can do for your children.
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hellsBells246 · 11/02/2024 23:33

Even my parents have picked up on it. They ask if he's coming when I go out with them as they say it's obvious he doesn't want to be there and he makes little to no effort at conversation with them when we're invited to their house for dinner either

Yet your dad says to stay with him because 'better the devil you knowI'? Terrible advice.

Turns out you didn't know your h at all as he was pretending to be someone he wasn't.

Op, what will make YOU happy? Do that, and your Dc will be happy.

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caringcarer · 12/02/2024 01:10

sharptoothlemonshark · 11/02/2024 17:41

this sounds miserable, I would not want to continue living like this

Miserable for you and awful for your DC. It won't get better. He's a gaming addict.

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