PIL visiting AIBU help!

[NameChangeSunday]

Name change for this one.

I always make sure I contact PIL to arrange visits and they contact me. They come and see us about once a month. They have 5 large dogs at their house so us visiting with a 10 month old is a no.

Anyway my AIBU… Their visit often last 4 hours. I don’t have a problem with the length of their visit it’s the fact they want to come here I’ve suggested play centres, cafes, parks in the past and they say they’d rather come to our house. I’ve suggested splitting it they say no.

My 10month old is very actively trying to crawl and climb on everything and 4 hours stuck in the house feels like torture! When he goes for his nap I feel like going too!

FTM, here, so I’m just trying to find out if this is normal and I should just smile. My parents are up for an hour or two visit then going out or just going out

Please help!

I never thought about the weekend point. I work 60 hours in a very fast paced professional job.

Yes, giving up half my weekend to entertain PIL and a bored baby after a few hours is not our idea of quality family time.

I think I might have finally found my 'breaking point' with all the MIL issues that so many MNers seem to have.

It's not just you OP, but so many MNers seem so explicit in the wrongs of their ILs. So to add a bit:

1. Be fucking aware that you even have ILs that give a shit, quite a few parents don't, even if your relationship with your DP is great and won't breakdown like at least half of all relationships do.
2. Your ILs aren't the same as your own parents but somehow have still managed to raise a person that you like enough to live and have dc with.
3. I have yet to meet the perfect person in over 6 decades of life and don't ever expect to because none of us are perfect as our imperfections, differences and quirks are all part of the human condition.

I got to “be fucking aware…” and I stopped reading.

I am so done with people being so passive aggressive in their replies. I am almost certain that no one, in real life would reply in this way.

MN passive aggressiveness is so boring.

Again. "half a weekend". It's four hours. Once a month. An hour a week, essentially, for your DH's parents and your son's GPs.

Come on now

OOPs on my part OP for openly swearing in a 'passive' [snort] aggressive manner; I thought my my 'bad' was swearing in the first place, which might seem overly-aggressive to the newer humans, just embarking on their reproductive journey, caring for their young; like little rabbits.

I really should be more assertive and plain in my speaking, and I'll bear that in mind should I ever become one of those ILs myself.

I can clearly see from your reply what a delightful human you are. You must be one of those people described as “larger than life.”

I am glad I didn’t read your first reply.

I can see that it’s wearing for you, OP. I don’t think it’s that unusual for family to come over for a whole afternoon at the weekend and for there not to be a trip outside (and in this weather I can also see why a lot of people aren’t thrilled about a trip outside!) but if what you’re doing is sitting in the same room together the whole time with someone occasionally making a cup of tea, I can see why it doesn’t really work for the baby or you. Especially if they aren’t really interacting with DC.

Could you split the day up at home more and get them more involved in doing things? So give them a book to read to him, or ask one of them to help out with some DIY, get a meal in that they can help with (or look after DC while you cook), etc? I don’t think it would be wrong for you to take your DC out for a visit to the park while they stayed in with your DH if that’s what it takes either, but if you normally manage 4 hours at home with DC then that might not be necessary if you can get PiL involved in what you would normally do at home instead.

Also, I don’t think, given that they’re only 10 mins away, that you have to facilitate around their preference for a long visit if that’s not your preference. You can just say that it’s too long now that DC is more active.

I've only read your posts @NameChangeSunday , so I may be preaching to the choir here, but have you actually said to them, 'Great, let's have a coffee at ours then head out as we both get a bit stir-crazy if we stay in for too long'?

My children are older than yours (and my ILs doth died many years ago, before our children were born), but I had routines with mine when they were very small that involved us going out every day (apart from Fridays, they were for visitors and play-dates at ours).

Could you not make a routine that means they have to either keep the visit short or tag along?

I think you've been slightly badly served on this thread. You've very nicely got yourself into a situation where you're facilitating a relationship with the ILs and your child, but they're being quite passive.

It's a good thing you're doing.

But between you and your husband, you are going to have to force them to be a bit more active on their visits.

I presume they're not that old?

OP, if it tires you out so much. Could you suggest that your partner stays with your in laws and your baby while you go out? And to show face just go to their house by yourself once a month to say hello and have a cup of tea.

Otherwise, could you say to them something along the lines of "alright, the baby is bored, this is my cue to nip out, I will be an hour. See you then!"

Yes OP I must be a terrible awful human being and I am so grateful and appreciative that you have allowed me to live.

Good luck mate, seems you're gonna need it.

You're setting yourself up for a world of aggravation if you don't let your child learn to entertain himself.

So you get bored, your baby can't entertain himself and your ILs just want to relax in your sofa. You don't want to leave them to it with their son and go out. Recipe for disaster.

Your only option really is to set a time limit. Come over at 10am for a couple of hours, then we'll be off to the play centre, you're welcome up join us if you want but we will be off at 12...

Easy peasy.

You seem unnecessarily aggressive.

The hate, is indeed, not good.

Peace out.

Friend.

So if your child does manage to stay in some mornings/afternoons/evenings (which I think is what you’re saying) why is it particularly difficult when the PILs are there? Most people really aren’t out and about multiple times a day, so it genuinely is difficult to see what the issues are.

My PIL used to come and stay for a month. They didn’t like going out except always accompanied me to the supermarket - my one escape! Not helpful to thread sorry OP, just having a shudder of remembering.

Yes, Tets, I'll bear that in mind.
Mucho Thanks
Amigo.
THING
x

@NameChangeSunday there's no "passive" in this, just plain old aggression from some. Lots on here get off on it, it's sad and pathetic really but not your problem, ignore the ones who feel the need to be so horrible about a simple post asking for advice. Or pity them as there's obvs something in their lives making them so angry

Lol at my sweary username contradicting me 🤣🤣 YA BASTARD

Not as ironic as @TheHateIsNotGood username tho

Why are you writing in such an unpleasant, hectoring, rude tone? It's so bizarre

@NameChangeSunday

Of course it's ridiculous that because they are visiting and refuse to go anywhere you suddenly become stuck in.

Your mistake was asking if they would like to go anywhere. You s"hould have said "wonderful, that day we had planned blah, I look forward to you joining us there".

They are being rigid, inflexible and they are not thinking of your needs.
You need to take charge here and be assertive " oh you can't make the farm, maybe next time... Oh you would rather come to ours well unfortunately it's too long for lo to be sat in one space, what about if you changed your visit to an hour. That would work."

They are very respectful, Op.
Your PIL could pop in every second day, given that they live only ten minutes away.
Good of them to not bring any dogs.

Four hours playing with your child in it's own home should be fine. You child will get better at entertaining itself, with age, and your PIL obviously like to talk to you and DH too.
As the child gets bigger they will be able to play Chess, set up whole block cities and pretend farms and families of dolls and do each others hair etc.

One benefit is that they observe how your home works and how you parent LO. Should you ever need to call on them in an emergency, they will be comfortable coming to look after LO the usual way. Invite them to stay for dinner some times and to help put LO to bed. Knowing LO routines is a good idea.

Any time during the visit you could ask them to join you on a walk around the block. LO will love to show them the local trees and paths.

I can't see any problem at all.

I'm super-glad you heard that.

Fantastique.

All my love.

Tetsy.

Is it because they walk their 5 dogs before or after they visit you so their time with you is their sit down time? Maybe you could ask to join them on a dog walk in the woods or something next time so you're all out together catching up. With baby in a carrier to be safe.

So you are back at work full time and the in laws are visiting every weekend for hours on end?

I can see why 5 dogs would be intimidating and probably quite unsafe with a toddler. Are they all usually walked together?

I think it's simply time to have a civilised conversation that this is not working for you as a family. You have limited time together, household chores and the baby is getting more and more active. Shorter visits or less frequent visits would work better or perhaps at a different time of day. Coming before lunch on a Sunday to have a play and then eat together as adults while your son naps perhaps.

It's useful for grandparents to know the routine of the house, to know when they'll see the best of their grandchild and to know to avoid the witching hour. And frankly to know when they've overstayed. Sometimes you just need to get on with things even if that means being rude (in your mind anyway)
It wouldn't cost me a thought to put a wash on or empty a dishwasher with MiL around. When she's bored she goes home. It's sometimes annoying but I think she appreciates the company and has a strong relationship with her grandchildren as a result. I don't treat her visits as a state occasion. Different if we invite her for a meal. Rude to get on with things then.