PIL visiting AIBU help!

[NameChangeSunday]

Name change for this one.

I always make sure I contact PIL to arrange visits and they contact me. They come and see us about once a month. They have 5 large dogs at their house so us visiting with a 10 month old is a no.

Anyway my AIBU… Their visit often last 4 hours. I don’t have a problem with the length of their visit it’s the fact they want to come here I’ve suggested play centres, cafes, parks in the past and they say they’d rather come to our house. I’ve suggested splitting it they say no.

My 10month old is very actively trying to crawl and climb on everything and 4 hours stuck in the house feels like torture! When he goes for his nap I feel like going too!

FTM, here, so I’m just trying to find out if this is normal and I should just smile. My parents are up for an hour or two visit then going out or just going out

Please help!

Why can't they take him out to your local park for an hour if he's getting twitchy? 4 hours isn't that much time once a month.

Either Why not ask your partner to take care of your baby and entertain his parents and go out by yourself for a couple hours to have time to relax?

or say "I am going to the local farm shop/ coffee shop/ kiosk in the park now for a coffee and to give LO a chance to get outside. You are welcome to join me or, if you just want to help yourself to a cuppa here, I'll see you in an hour or so"

I imagine it’s not just the baby, it’s trying to keep the baby happy whilst also entertaining the PIL…..

I can imagine that several hours of you all sat in the living room it very tedious. PIL probably just haven’t realised that DC has moved on to a more active phase.

Next time, just say ‘DC needs some fresh air, shall we all walk down to the park? Or would you rather stay here with DP and have another cup of tea?’

I didn’t say he’s asking her to, but the net effect is OP is the one PIL are contacting to facilitate the visits, OP’s the one whose so tired from PIL’s visits that she wants to have a nap whilst they’re there.

Is all this truly lost on you?!

My pil have never been anywhere with my children. They come for a cup of tea or we go over there for a cup of tea. I hate it but I'm past the point of caring.

Your best bet is going along with what they want to do as it's only once a month. If they come in the morning make sure you have something planned for the afternoon and vice versa.

Firstly, why are you doing the relationship maintenance with your in-laws? Surely your other half should be doing that?
If they were doing it, would you be seeing them more frequently, as frequently or less frequently than you currently are?

Next - even as a parent, I hated soft play centres or going to the park though I did it because my kids would be knackered after all the running around, so I can understand why they don't want to meet there.

What I would do is arrange a day that visits happen and then if they are only 10 mins away, arrive (with your other half) and the kid(s) at their place. Stay only a short while and then go to the park on your way home.

That's what I would do in your position.

@LookItsMeAgain read the OP again...

Incredibly demanding for 10 months!!!

I'd stop arranging visits, I am a bit tetchy though.

I always make sure I contact PIL to arrange visits and they contact me.

Why are you doing this?

The staying for four hours when they live ten minutes away is what would annoy me.

Could you invite them over for a specific thing, like morning tea at 10, and then day you'll be taking the baby to the playground at 11:30 and they are welcome to come or stay to chat with their son.

Ignore people saying the baby should be ok at home etc- that's not the point. This isn't working for you. You're not obligated to keep doing something that isn't working.

Stop asking and just say 'this is what's happening on Saturday- can't wait to see you'.

That said, you're very lucky they only want to come once a month. My in laws used to demand half a day with us every weekend. I wish I'd drawn some boundaries earlier.

I think it is important for children to learn how to entertain themselves, a constant flow of entertainment stops this. By being allowed to become bored they gradually learn how to amuse themselves with toys, books or just investigating household objects they come across. I do not think staying in the house for 4 hours is at all unreasonable.

MN rule 357b.

A child must never become bored , he/she must be constantly entertained.

They live 10 mins away! Arrange to meet them somwhere else! “We’re going to x, y and z, do you want to come?”.

or see them more often and it doesn’t need to be a 4 hour extravaganza.

I can imagine that several hours of you all sat in the living room it very tedious. PIL probably just haven’t realised that DC has moved on to a more active phase.

My DD and my 12 month old DGD spent seven hours in my living room yesterday (DD's choice - she could have left whenever she wanted). It was tipping it down so we couldn't have gone out if we wanted to.

I'm not sure why that's considered tedious. We had a nice day, even if a toddler of that age needs a lot of attention.

I really don't get the problem here.

Just leave Dh at home and go to the park for a bit with the baby before they come.
Then baby will have had fresh air, you're not stuck in the house, Dh can exercise his hosting skills. 4hfs is fine. Just rotate his toys after a few hours

@Octonaut4Life FWIW my baby wasn't chilled and easily entertained but she was a Covid baby so other than a little walk around the block our only option was sitting in the house with no visitors all day, every day for weeks and months on end. Perhaps that's why it seems a bit ludicrous that 4 adults can't entertain a baby inside for a few hours once a month.

Being bored and learning how to manage it is a good thing. Stop jumping every time he so much as whimpers ffs

Take him out before they come. There’s no way I stayed in all day with mine at this age - rain or snow, we were out for at least an hour. Fresh air is important.

And yes, when he naps, stay up there for a bit if they’re hard going. They are your DH’s parents - you don’t need to be in the room all the time.

It's not all day. It's four hours. So maybe 1-5, or 10-2. There's nothing stopping OP going out with the baby for an equal amount of time before they come, afterwards, or both.

Wow I can’t believe how many people are shocked I deal with PIL.

To answer where is my husband. Right next to me, we’re a team. I’ve taken a year out so I’m at home so I deal with family stuff. If I wanted to go out the whole time his parents were here my husband would support this. We’re a team though we stick together. He’d always stay and support me when any of my family are here.

LO is never still, he’s very inquisitive @Octonaut4Life obviously gets that some babies have more energy than others.

I don’t understand the comment about “so much as whimpering ffs” I said he was bored not whimpering.

This comment also got me thinking is mumsnet passive aggressive? I wonder how many people in a “real life” context would answer this question by swearing at their friends 🤔

Do you mean the dogs are putting the OP off visiting bit? Surely the grandparents could keep the dogs away from their grandchild for the sake of a 30 min visit?

@PictureALadybird He gets bored. I don’t really understand what else there is to answer. Are you asking what I do?

He is perfectly capable of entertaining himself for 20 minutes at least. I can leave him to play, I can leave the room clean the dishes tidy up and he’d happily play but then he’d get bored. Which I don’t think is unreasonable for a 10 month old after 20 minutes. So then we might have food, then I might play with him etc. There are only so many thing he can do to entertain himself or I can do with him before he gets bored of each activity.