AIBU for feeling so ashamed I can barely function?

[TheDarkSideofMyHead]

I’ve had juvenile autoimmune arthritis since I was a toddler. I’ve always been active and a healthy weight. Eventually I needed multiple joint replacement surgeries. In combination with being immobile and lazily comforting eating, I’ve gained so much weight. Entirely my own fault, I was feeling low and I have eaten my way to obesity. I blame myself because I feel lower than I did before. My health plays a part but ultimately, I made prolonged bad and selfish food choices.

I was getting lots of chest infections and, even though they thought it was my meds for my condition because they suppress the immune system, they ran some tests to be sure. To cut a long story short, I have heart failure. I was sent away and told to exercise and lose weight.

I’ve gone from 19st 5lbs to 17 stone 12lbs by overhauling my diet in 2 months. My ability to exercise is still really limited and I don’t know if I’ll ever be as active as I was before.

I haven’t told anyone in my life. I’ve told them nothing is medically wrong but I want to lose weight anyway and everyone is supportive.

I am ashamed of my weight and I know I have a long way to go and I feel like I can’t achieve a healthy weight quickly enough. I cry all the time and want to hide my body. I will keep going with my weight loss though. I know I need to. It’s just that the shame is all consuming.

I don’t know why I’m posting here except to get it out and to share my humiliation and unburden myself. These emotions are crushing me.

Hi OP. Please remember that the idea that obesity is an issue with willpower is a myth which I believe serves big unethical businesses really well. You have a lot stacked against you in terms of weight management and I think it's awesome that you've made such big changes to protect your health.

First off you've done brilliantly in the past 2 months, so well done for that, cos it's not easy.

Secondly, do you have any support in real life from any charities etc.

Thirdly, do you swim at all? I think that would help, or even aqua aerobics.

Edited to add: at aqua aerobics there are all shapes and sizes, so please don't feel like you just couldn't do it.

OP I congratulate you. U r doing well to reduce your weight. I totally understand how the weight creeps on. I was 23 stone. Lost 10 but have since put 5 back on due to bereavement. It a vicious circle. Hand hold.

I feel like it was willpower though. I was lazy and greedy and enjoyed chocolate and takeaways more than salad.

You're doing brilliantly! Well done on your weight loss. Focus on how far you've come in the last 2 months not anything else. You have more than many to deal with in having health problems so you're doing great. You can do this! 💐

Thank you.

I have very supportive family and friends. I was involved with charities but I led it slide. Life got busy. I like to help others and I guess it’s now time to accept I may need the help. I can’t yet admit in person how bad things have got.

I can swim. I cannot face a swimsuit yet but I do think it’s something I should aim for. I enjoy walking the dog.

Can I just say my BFF had heart failure at 46, and she weighs 7 stone. Yes it’s great you’re working on your weight, but this may have happened to you regardless of your weight. You’ve made a fantastic start on addressing the issue, keep going!!

Thank you for your understanding. You’ve done amazingly! I hope I can say I’ve lost 5 stone one day. Sorry for your loss. It’s hard how it affects your eating.

I don’t think that associating obesity with willpower is a myth.

However, I don’t think weight is a moral issue at all, it is a health issue. You have recognised you got too fat and you are doing something about it which is great. You have already lost nearly two stone and must be looking better and, more importantly, feeling better.

As soon as you can, add in whatever exercise you can do and slowly build it up.

Be proud of what you have already achieved and just keep on the grind!

@TheDarkSideofMyHead get out walking the dog as often as you can and keep going with the food. You've started well, so keep going.

I think it's important to say its not so much dieting that keeps weight off, more a change of lifestyle/mindset that "this is how I eat now", whereas diet implies you will go back to your old ways at some point.

Yeah this isn’t a diet. This is the new me. It’s closer to the old me. I never used to be lazy and eat takeaways and family sized bars of chocolate. 😭

I am Enjoying what I’m eating and enjoy not feeling sick and bloated all the time.

You've done so well so far.
You should look into the carnivore diet, it's apparently great for autoimmune arthritis and weight loss amongst other things. My mother has been crippled with arthritis for years and started this diet just a few weeks ago, her symptoms are improving already and she has also dropped a few pounds. I know it's not for everyone but it's worth looking at and seeing if you think you could benefit from it.

Hi, you can swim… great.
can you not put an oversized t-shirt over your swimsuit?
it’ll make you more confident about going to a public amenity… if a disguise of your swimsuit is what you need to feel able to go.
You are doing so well, and it’s good that you know that overeating “is not you”…
I really admire your grit and determination.
Best wishes, and come back to us with your further successes… I’m sure there will be many.
We will be there cheering you on x

You have nothing to be ashamed of OP. It's your own body to treat as you choose. You havent committed a crime or harmed anyone else. For a while you just chose to treat your body in a way that didn't help your health. Like the vast majority of us to some extent or another. You have now decided to treat it in a way that does help your health. Truly, it's no more complicated than that. So, no guilt, no shame. Just stick with your new decision and little by little your health will improve. We'll done so far.

Blimey, op, give yourself a break! Over a stone and a half in 2 months? Amazing. Would love to know what you’re doing to achieve that.

Fat people aren't eating all the time and are using more willpower than naturally slim people to keep to their less than it could be intake.

It's pointless beating yourself up about how or why you got to 19 stone.

All that matters now is putting your drive and energy towards the future and focusing on becoming a healthy weight.

You're down to 17 stone in two months which is a fantastic achievement.

Stay committed to your healthy eating plan but if you have a day where it goes awry, don't let your thoughts spiral downwards and linger on that one day, you will have many positive days beforehand, so pick yourself up and be determined to have a good day the next.

If it helps, google before and after photos of people who have lost half their body weight and be inspired by their stories.

I also think the fact that until recently you were active will stand you in good stead, going forward. You will be able to build your fitness AND you know what being active and healthy is like and how much better you feel.

Thank you so much!

I am not following any particular diet but trying to just find a better way of eating and living. I have cut down on caffeine and drinking more water. My aim is to eventually cut out all caffeine. I have higher protein meals but lean protein like chicken and fish. I make sure I have veg with every meal. I have swapped white rice and pasta for wholewheat. I still have snacks but smaller and healthier ones like rice cakes with houmous. I have been making loads of veg soup to fill up on. Just generally, I have been reducing my portion size and still allowing myself treats. I enjoy a glass of wine but I don’t need 3 big glasses and a packet of biscuits. Last night, I had a small glass of white and 2 Oreos. It helps to know I can enjoy the same but in moderation.

Even if true, you have made a good start on improving things. Focus on building on that, remind yourself daily what you achieved and can still achieve. Make a poster!

Thank you for your supportive words.
It is nice to hear positivity instead of beating myself up all the time.

I think i am going to find a swimming pool that’s not super local and find a quiet time. I am paranoid I will bump into someone I know. I think I could drive elsewhere and I am sure I’d enjoy the time to myself if nothing else!

I enjoy walking. The dog is a great companion and we find nice routes and I can blast out music to quieten the negativity in my head. I hope I can build this up a bit more.

I have room for a home treadmill and think it’s worth the investment. I have been looking on FB marketplace and I think it’s worth the money especially when it’s dark in the evenings.

You are doing so well OP. Have you seen the armchair exercise. It's gentle but makes your body more flexible which in turn help with mobility. I know it's hard when it's colder but Spring will be here soon and you can get out of the house more easily without having to dodge the rain and cold. Keep going, up the protein which is filling and drink loads of plain water and reduce the carbs and fat. I cook an extra piece of chicken at dinner time then eat it sliced up with salad for lunch the next day.

Wow ok a LOT to unpick here. Firstly, you are using SUCH toxic language when talking about yourself. Please, please stop that. You do not deserve to be spoken to like that, nobody does. The hatred and disdain you have for yourself is honestly breathtaking. Please, take a breath and just put down that metaphorical stick you are beating yourself with.

Next - food and weight has absolutely ZERO morality attached to it. It isn't 'bad' or it isn't 'good'. It can be nutritionally dense, or high in calorie, or low in calorie or nutritionally sparse, but never 'good', never 'bad'. Is a doughnut going around making racial slurs?? Or is a banana handing out positive affirmations to everyone it comes across? Do you honestly think someone would say 'oh yes Darkside, she's SO lovely and sweet, but she isn't super thin, so I actually think she's this terrible awful person. I'd like her so much more if she lost weight'. Of COURSE they wouldn't, it sounds utterly ludicrous when you put it like that.

It sounds like you want to lose weight to feel more physically comfortable - fine? So why feel ashamed about that? Even if you didn't do it, you wouldn't be ANY less worthy of love or respect. Do you find yourself despising people who are overweight? I highly doubt it. The truth is, other people (excluding loved ones who wouldn't judge anyway) care so, so little about others. Everyone is so self involved (Not in a bad way, in a 'i'm so anxious worrying about what people think of me I don't have time to judge others' kind of a way) and everyone projects so much, that actually they think basically nothing of other people who flit in and out if their lives.

As part of this focus on yourself, I think you need some help tackling your inner monologue - you need to try to learn to stop these awful thoughts in their tracks, and to give yourself a goddamn break. Because I bet you're wonderful, and it would break your loved ones hearts if they heard you speak about yourself this way.

You are NOT ‘lazy and greedy’. Don't say these things about yourself.

You’ve had a rough patch with your health and you’ve fallen into some crappy habits. It happens to the best of us.

But look at you! You’ve worked wonders in turning that around in the last two months. Keep going. You’re doing brilliantly ❤️

You have made a great start. Keep it up.

I get the shame at yourself (have felt it and anger too many times at myself) bit but ultimately it does not help resolve the situation. What you are doing the moment will get you to a better place health wise (physical and emotional). Keep getting out with your wonderful dog. He or she will enjoy it and can only benefit you.

You have made a great start, please think positively of yourself for that. It's a long and difficult process. You should be proud of yourself for the start that you have made. Keep going and good luck.