AIBU for feeling so ashamed I can barely function?

[TheDarkSideofMyHead]

I’ve had juvenile autoimmune arthritis since I was a toddler. I’ve always been active and a healthy weight. Eventually I needed multiple joint replacement surgeries. In combination with being immobile and lazily comforting eating, I’ve gained so much weight. Entirely my own fault, I was feeling low and I have eaten my way to obesity. I blame myself because I feel lower than I did before. My health plays a part but ultimately, I made prolonged bad and selfish food choices.

I was getting lots of chest infections and, even though they thought it was my meds for my condition because they suppress the immune system, they ran some tests to be sure. To cut a long story short, I have heart failure. I was sent away and told to exercise and lose weight.

I’ve gone from 19st 5lbs to 17 stone 12lbs by overhauling my diet in 2 months. My ability to exercise is still really limited and I don’t know if I’ll ever be as active as I was before.

I haven’t told anyone in my life. I’ve told them nothing is medically wrong but I want to lose weight anyway and everyone is supportive.

I am ashamed of my weight and I know I have a long way to go and I feel like I can’t achieve a healthy weight quickly enough. I cry all the time and want to hide my body. I will keep going with my weight loss though. I know I need to. It’s just that the shame is all consuming.

I don’t know why I’m posting here except to get it out and to share my humiliation and unburden myself. These emotions are crushing me.

You have nothing to be ashamed about. Life is hard and sometimes we end up making easy choices rather than healthy ones. It's called being human and no reflection on you at all.

I've put on lots of weight in the last few years due to eating crap at work and going to the hospital shops for high calorie shit instead of bringing home cooked food from home. I'm also drinking way too much and not exercising enough. I don't even have your excuse of a chronic debilitating illness...just life stress and laziness. Want to hear the worst...? I'm a bloody doctor so should know better 🤣

You are an inspiration to women like me, keep going and good luck 🏅

OP…. Before you pay for an exercise machine, would you consider purchasing a rebounder?
I have looked at Google, and yes, you can get ones that can accommodate your weight and more.
Unlike full size trampolines, you don’t aim to lift your feet from the bottom, just gently raise your heels.
There are rebounders that also come with a bar you can rest your hands on til you get confident.
Choose one that has at least six legs.
I like the ones where you can fold down the legs when not in use. It enables it to slide behind the sofa for instance, makes your room look more normal when you have people round, and gives you back your space, unlike a running machine, that’ll stick out like a sore thumb.
Rebounding is much better than running or jogging, as it’s impact on your joints is softer.
It works out your whole “core”, helps drain your lymph’s…
Aim low at first, say just one minute even.
then slowly build up your time.
Thats how I was advised to start.
Any minutes that you get to do after 20, is so beneficial, as your body will continue to burn off, even after you’ve stopped.
I’ve built it up to 40 mins, and I love that the extra 20 mins, are a bonus so to speak.
I love music, so I either do it to my fave tracks, or use the radio, or use the tv to also watch the band playing.
I have a mini clock in front of me, or if you have a smart speaker, ask it to time you the amount of minutes your aiming for.
Please start slow… it’s not a race.
Also there are rebounding workouts on YouTube, but personally I don’t like them, as I get disheartened if I can’t keep up with the video… I expect others can find the videos inspiring.
Anyway worth a thought? x

Thanks, DarkSide. That is a big change in a short amount of time, it’s really very impressive. Sounds like you know exactly what you’re doing.

It’s an open bottle of wine that is my downfall. Closed, I can ignore, but open? Not a chance 🤣.

The weight loss threads on here are great, if you need a bit more inspiration/support.

Good luck!

OP. Please remember that the idea that obesity is an issue with willpower is a myth which I believe serves big unethical businesses really well.

^^

So what's the alternative???

Wow, you lost 2 stone in 2 months!!?? Absolute goals!! Well done.

I’m 17 stone too and went to weight lifting this morning, absolutely loved it!! I don’t have things as bad as you but I do have a connective tissue disease and the session felt really suitable. Strength is so important as we age, and weight lifting is low impact too (not like running for example).

Exercise does not really makes anyone slim, just fit. Anyone who eats the reasonable limited calories for their basic healthy BMI to be supported always has it.

Bread, cake and large portions of cooked food have to go. Porridge, fish, fruit, vegetables, meat, diary, boiled pasta or potatoes with bakes beans, lentils

I’ve gone from size 22 to size 12/14 in just over a year, with grim determination and effort. I also go swimming four times a week and wim around an hour each time. I would encourage you to swim if you can and don’t worry about how you look. Most people don’t look their best in the pool and there really are loads of different shapes and sizes there, you won’t look any worse than anyone else. It definitely helps with weight loss and is very, very slowly helping to whittle my tummy down. Still have a spare tire though! Whilst you can’t exercise away fat it does help with building muscle and helps with fitness. I can run upstairs now and I’m 68! Before I had to hold on to the bannisters.go for it OP!

The worst thing in the world you can do is do it quickly
your right on track 3or 4lb a week
on the walking front be careful not to over do it and pick up an injury invest in some good trainers bad footwear for exercise can lead to knee and Achilles issues

you are absolutely going in the right direction

This. Concentrate on the fact that you have already lost a lot in just two months. Take one day at a time, and don't beat yourself up over this. Small changes to your diet will add up - and please don't feel ashamed, you've had a lot to deal with and you are on the right track.

Thank you, all.

I was disheartened because a lot of my initial weight loss was likely fluid retention.

I am motivated because I don’t want my young DC to think this is a normal way of eating or being. Thankfully they’re too young to notice but I want them to grow up with a healthy attitude towards food and their bodies and exercise.

I am thinking about telling a friend or perhaps my mum so I have someone in real life to talk to.

I have a friend who has recently given birth and she said she’s desperate to lose weight and she wants to start exercising. I feel like we could swim together and I wouldn’t feel too self conscious because I trust her. I should really tell her the truth but I’m struggling.

You need to find what works for you. I don’t think the current guidelines of eatilng less and moving more are helpful to most people. In the past I have lost nearly a stone with slimming world but found it really boring. I then lost 3 stone with a keto diet but couldn’t keep it up and put 1.5 stone back on. Late last year I read ultra processed people and just went off a lot of food. I haven’t been on a diet as such, but I’m losing 1/2 pound a week eating what I want, as long as I made it myself.

You need to remind yourself that you are doing/have done a fantastic job in losing any weight as it’s not easy!

You've had some bad luck but you're doing all the right things now. I've currently got acute calcification arthritis in my wrist and I couldn't believe the pain even with heavy duty pain relief so you must have endured a lot. I was crying with the pain, it was in one joint and I know I'll be okay in 8 weeks or so. You can't change the past only the present and future.

By the way there are all shapes and sizes in swimming pools. And after all you'll be submerged for the majority of the time. You could maybe have a towel wrapped round you if it made you feel better getting to the edge of the pool. My son learnt to swim late - he was a very embarrassed self-conscious 14 year old - who desperately wanted private lessons with a preferably deserted swimming pool. After a few private lessons he joined the group lessons with a group of 8 year olds. By that stage he was past embarassment and he ended up the strongest swimmer in our family.

I have a friend who has recently given birth and she said she’s desperate to lose weight and she wants to start exercising. I feel like we could swim together and I wouldn’t feel too self conscious because I trust her. I should really tell her the truth but I’m struggling.
This is a great idea, go for it, I bet she'll be pleased...You've done marvellously, keep it up, you sound really switched on. Well done 👏 👏

It's a lonely place to be with secret shame and I don't know if it helps at all to know you are not the only one. An article in last week's Sunday Times (4th Feb) Style Magazine by a former fashion and beauty editor described how she had 'wanted to lose weight - but she was scared to tell anyone'.

.She felt so bad that when she decided to leave her job, she was too ashamed to tell her boss it was on account of her weight. This goes to show how deep the secret shame cuts and how the weight of it on your mind and self is heavier than the weight of your body.

Eventually she found a personal trainer and is working on it (a photograph with the article shows she is still large but good on her for publishing it.) Everyone has to find her own recipe. For some it will be do it yourself but others a trainer, a therapist or a class. You have achieved a lot already on your own and can feel pride and confidence in yourself for that and build on it, with help along the way from mumsnet.

Hey OP, I just wanted to say congrats on already losing a stone and a half. You're on the right track. Please be kind to yourself. x

Oh love, most people do. Well done on losing what you have - even though it seems like a really long way to go, losing a decent amount as you have is already making significant improvements to your health, such as reducing the risk fo diabetes. The diet is actually more important than the exercise, so don't stress too much about that - you may also find that with further weight loss you can gradually increase the amoutn of exercise that you are doing.

I am assuming that you are reasonably young - have they investigated to see why you are in heart failure?

Please dont beat yourself up - a good rule is to ask if you would say this to anyone else, and if not, dont say it to yourself - reframe it to something you would say to a friend and say that instead. It is easy to gain weight, and hard to lose it, so you have done amazingly well. Dont worry about not doing it 'quickly enough' - you are doing brilliantly.

You are doing so well! One thing that jumped out at me was that you feel like you can't achieve a healthy weight quickly enough. Yes there are ways of losing weight more quickly but you know what happens to (most) people who do that? They lose a lot of weight by making sweeping changes that are unsustainable. They make themselves miserable and have no energy so sooner or later they'll crack and binge. Then the cycle of self hatred begins anew, but worse than it was before. You're doing exactly the right thing by moderating portion size rather than saying you'll never have certain foods ever again.

If it means anything I have been doing badly the last few weeks with food and exercise, after doing better for quite a while. Reading this has helped to remind me of what I need to be doing so thank you for posting this.

You've done so well so far, my advice would be to increase exercise, get into that habit and then worry about food. I'm 17 stone, my diet is full of sugar and chocolate but i can walk up mountains, swim and dance regularly. I may not be thin but I'm happy with the way i am.

Don’t be so hard on yourself. Most people seeing you in a swimsuit exercising would probably think “bloody good for you”.

Well done on your weight loss, you’ve made a fantastic start and you have made lifestyle changes rather than crash dieting which means the weight is more likely to stay off and is gentler on your heart.

I am sorry you’ve had such difficult news regarding the heart failure, is it reversible?

please don’t feel ashamed, I genuinely thought it would be some different topic, as you genuinely have nothing to feel ashamed about. You like chocolate? Lots of people do and lots of people over eat. You are changing that now. Well done! You should be proud of yourself, not ashamed!

Weight loss doesn't happen overnight as you and you're doing great. Keep it up and add a daily walk with your dog. Get a story on or music while out and about.

Feel pride in the changes you're making and kick the unnecessary feeling of shame right up the arse!

Just a positive update.

I got myself a lovely swimsuit that wasn’t cheap 😳😳 but worth the money. It covers more of me than a standard one but doesn’t look like I’m trying to swim in a full outfit and hide myself - if you know what I mean!

I have found a nice warm pool with females only swimming one night per week and I shall be starting once I have cleared up my current chest infection.

I have lost a few more pounds since I posted and I’ve been cooking more and practicing new healthy recipes. Thinking of treating myself to a fancy blender and soup maker.

I have an appt with cardiology coming up soon. I hope this will give some answers and a plan and I hope my weight loss proves I am motivated towards doing everything I can to be healthier.

My mood is up and down and my self esteem is pretty rubbish BUT I am focused towards working on it.

Thanks for the update. Lovely to hear from you and that you are doing well and dealing with your health worry. It is working for you as a powerful motivator. We just have to keep trying and keep going. Even if we have a setback now and then, the secret is not to be put off but to keep working and keep on keeping on. So well done for all you have achieved so far and more power to you.

Well done! Keep at it.