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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL starting to hijack every event - AIBU

56 replies

TomatoSoupDragon · 09/02/2024 14:35

I have never had a good relationship with my MIL. I tolerate her, and she tolerates me. We have clashed over the years, because she hasn't always got her own way.

We have not seen that much of PIL over the years as they retired and went travelling a lot or were always with friends. My DC don't have a close relationship with them. PIL have slowed down a lot now, and don't get out much. They seem to spend a lot of time at home now.

They muscled in on some of our holidays and weekends away, the only time we saw them some years, but I put a stop to that because they were openly rude to me. We still get huffing and puffing when we go away for not inviting them.

Of course, they are my DH's family and I don't want to be horrible. I stopped arranging things myself with them as I got no thanks, and was told I'm not family, so I stopped and he deals with them now. The thing is, he is not very assertive with them, and agrees to things I don't want to do.

So, the issue now is that MIL seems to think that she has a priority pass to every thing we do. Over Christmas we saw them 5 times. Guess which sucker ends up shopping, cleaning, cooking, tidying up afterwards, chained to the cooker whilst every one else has a nice time? Now, every time there is an occasion coming up, she calls up to arrange the get together. So, basically nice occasions I'd like to enjoy, I don't get to.

I have 3 DC, one older and 2 teens. It is one of their birthdays in a few weeks. MIL has called up to see what we are doing? Also, she has asked us all to drive over there for Easter. Around Easter is really busy for us, and my DC and I don't want to take a day out on top of this. Also, and more truthfully, I spent last Easter hosting them and extended family they emotionally blackmail us into inviting, and I was knackered after it, and this year I just want to have a nice Easter Day with my own DH, DC and loads of chocolate. The hosting isn't the problem here, as she has offered. Basically now, whenever there is an occasion, she wants us all to go up to her house and celebrate it. My DC don't want to celebrate their birthdays in her house. Plus, she is the most god damn awful cook, she boils everything.

I've said no to Easter, and she's taken offence. My DH asked me and I said "No, I just want a quiet one". She is saying that she wants to see her DGC however, one of them is an adult, and the other 2 late teens, and it is a bit late to start playing granny of the year. They aren't interested. Also, my DH isn't her only DC. She doesn't hassle them as they have no DC. Whenever we do invite them, it is followed up with "what about XXX and XXX?" so it ends up a freaking party.

OP posts:
Original poster
TomatoSoupDragon · 09/02/2024 14:35

Sorry, AIBU?

OP posts:
UncleHerbie · 09/02/2024 14:39

Just tell her “no, this doesn’t work for us” on repeat. If she persists (and if you have the ovaries), remind her that it’s a bit late to be playing doting granny ten years after it would have been meaningful for your children. Stand firm, and make sure your husband tells her the same. You can do this

Mitherations · 09/02/2024 14:40

I've said no to Easter, and she's taken offence

And that's where your responsibility ends. You've chosen to spend Easter at home as a family and she's chosen to take offence. And that's ok.

OneMoreTime23 · 09/02/2024 14:43

Guess which sucker ends up shopping, cleaning, cooking, tidying up afterwards, chained to the cooker whilst every one else has a nice time? Now, every time there is an occasion coming up, she calls up to arrange the get together. So, basically nice occasions I'd like to enjoy, I don't get to.

You’re literally doing that to yourself though. Say no, and if there are times you see them, stop doing all the work. I guarantee your husband will be on board pronto!

C00k · 09/02/2024 14:44

'Guess which sucker ends up shopping, cleaning, cooking, tidying up afterwards, chained to the cooker whilst every one else has a nice time?'

Don't martyr yourself like this, there's no need for it. If your husband wants them in your home he is free to do the hosting himself entirely. Opt out.
She is free to be offended. Who cares?

PutItInTheFuckitBucketAndGetOnWithYourDay · 09/02/2024 14:44

If she's taken offence then that's on her, not you
You're not responsible for her feelings

OneMoreTime23 · 09/02/2024 14:44

It’s been YEARS since any of DH’s family visited. I told him he would be responsible for all prep, organising and entertaining and so he hasn’t bothered. :D

DisforDarkChocolate · 09/02/2024 14:47

No. Let her be offended. It's not like she's bothered about offending you.

Your husband isn't managing this so I think you're going to have to be the one who says it, repeatedly.

Caroparo52 · 09/02/2024 14:51

Put your big girl pants on and stick to your guns. You said - no I just want a quiet one- and you are entitled to it.
Boo Hoo MIL if it offends her. Sounds like neither your DC or DH mind or feel they are missing out.

Original poster
TomatoSoupDragon · 09/02/2024 15:03

The problem is that my DC are now going to be her only DGC and since she “lives for her DGC” I think this is going to cause problems.

My eldest has come back to live with us for a while after Uni, and I want to enjoy my family together while this lasts, and before the others go to uni. I want to stay in my precious bubble and enjoy it whilst I can without having people who give me anxiety joining in.

OP posts:
Windydaysandwetnights · 09/02/2024 15:07

She has no respect for you so why do you care if she huffs and puffs? Dh can go visit. Dc can decide themselves at their ages. The time I stopped going to ils was very very liberating.. I am quite certain we were all happier because of it...

DoILookThrilled · 09/02/2024 15:10

YANBU it’s not your fault she isn’t happy about the Easter set up. I hosted Christmas as well and lm not doing Easter. We are also going to relax and eat lots of chocolate!

C00k · 09/02/2024 15:12

TomatoSoupDragon · 09/02/2024 15:03

The problem is that my DC are now going to be her only DGC and since she “lives for her DGC” I think this is going to cause problems.

My eldest has come back to live with us for a while after Uni, and I want to enjoy my family together while this lasts, and before the others go to uni. I want to stay in my precious bubble and enjoy it whilst I can without having people who give me anxiety joining in.

Edited

There is no problem.
You are free to enjoy your kids and your life. This woman is nothing to do with you. Your husband can stay in touch with her if he wants.

Did you not read the replies to your thread? They're unanimous.

boopboopbidoop · 09/02/2024 15:13

So your DH isn't dealing with her. He is just acquiescing to everything she asks to do.

You may as well be the point of communication as then you can say no. Otherwise he says yes then you do all the work hosting.

If he can't be trusted to say no then you'll need to take the reins.

StopTheBusINeedAWeeWeeAWeeWeeBagOChips · 09/02/2024 15:15

If she is huffing about Easter, great don't try and come up with a solution, leave her to her mood and life should be quieter.

She can ask, you can say no, and that's where your responsibility ends.

PutItInTheFuckitBucketAndGetOnWithYourDay · 09/02/2024 15:19

Why are you doing your DH's job in regard to his Mothers demands?
He needs to step up and tell her

Pottedpalm · 09/02/2024 15:20

All the ‘precious bubble’ stuff is a bit nauseating. Are you all going to sit down for the whole Easter weekend eating chocolate? I expect not.
Yet another I hate my in-laws thread.

LookItsMeAgain · 09/02/2024 15:27

You wrote "Of course, they are my DH's family and I don't want to be horrible. I stopped arranging things myself with them as I got no thanks, and was told I'm not family, so I stopped and he deals with them now. The thing is, he is not very assertive with them, and agrees to things I don't want to do" @TomatoSoupDragon and the crux of the issue is that you DH finds it easier to say no to you or to ignore your wishes than ignore or say no to his parents, particularly his mother. So you have a DH problem more than a MiL and FiL problem.

You need to lay it down really clearly to your DH that when he refuses to stand up and tell his mother NO, that he is basically saying that what goes on with his family (i.e you and the children) is of no consequence as he jumps when his mother/parents say jump. This can't continue any more and he must prioritise you and the kids.

He is probably in the FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) if his parents are elderly (no idea if they are or not). Fear that if he doesn't go to see them or invite them on the next trip which he will feel obliged to do, something terrible might happen to them and he'd feel guilty that he missed an opportunity.
That is completely normal to feel but when it impacts on the rest of the family then he needs to bring it in check.

Good luck to you getting through this.

businesshelp · 09/02/2024 16:45

Definitely YANBU! I'd just say you already have plans if she persists. You need to stand up to her. Why should you be around someone rude and who says you aren't their family? What's actually going to happen if you say no? Tell your DH he can visit with the kids - if they want to go. Or say the kids are old enough to visit when they want to.

ClematisRock · 09/02/2024 16:46

You clearly don't like your in-laws and you've given some sort of reasoning but you seem hell bent on not wanting to be at all involved with them at any point.
I hope that's not the case.

Original poster
TomatoSoupDragon · 09/02/2024 16:48

Pottedpalm,

I don’t hate my in-laws. They actually seriously dislike me. If I invited my MIL to go for a coffee with me, she’d decline. She tolerates me to see the DGC.

Last year I hosted Easter and Christmas Day. I want some of these to myself, without guests that make me feel unwelcome in my own home, and who make me feel like I’ve intruded on them and my DC having family time.

I have read the responses thanks. I’m not BU, so I’ll leave the decision as it is. I’m actually going to make plans for Easter Sunday so my DH can’t change them under pressure.

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 09/02/2024 16:49

Now, every time there is an occasion coming up, she calls up to arrange the get together. So, basically nice occasions I'd like to enjoy, I don't get to.

So, you don’t want her to come to yours as you say you have to host (does your DH not do his share?) and you don’t want to go to hers as you don’t like her cooking. What would be an acceptable way for you to see her? Out for dinner somewhere or just never?

Gymnopedie · 09/02/2024 16:53

I’m actually going to make plans for Easter Sunday so my DH can’t change them under pressure.

And if he tries tell him he's welcome to go on his own.

TimetoPour · 09/02/2024 16:55

You go @TomatoSoupDragon !

I have family that constantly guilt trip me in to hosting too.

The only way round it is to make plans (or tell a fib and say you have plans to meet XYZ that they don’t know) If they think you are doing nothing, they feel that there is no reason why they can’t intrude. Down time is precious in this day and age.

CatherineofAmazon · 09/02/2024 17:05

I would tell your husband what you and the kids want to do and if he wants to see his parents then he can go but the rest of you won’t be joining.
Sounds like you’ve put up with this for far too long.