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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL starting to hijack every event - AIBU

56 replies

TomatoSoupDragon · 09/02/2024 14:35

I have never had a good relationship with my MIL. I tolerate her, and she tolerates me. We have clashed over the years, because she hasn't always got her own way.

We have not seen that much of PIL over the years as they retired and went travelling a lot or were always with friends. My DC don't have a close relationship with them. PIL have slowed down a lot now, and don't get out much. They seem to spend a lot of time at home now.

They muscled in on some of our holidays and weekends away, the only time we saw them some years, but I put a stop to that because they were openly rude to me. We still get huffing and puffing when we go away for not inviting them.

Of course, they are my DH's family and I don't want to be horrible. I stopped arranging things myself with them as I got no thanks, and was told I'm not family, so I stopped and he deals with them now. The thing is, he is not very assertive with them, and agrees to things I don't want to do.

So, the issue now is that MIL seems to think that she has a priority pass to every thing we do. Over Christmas we saw them 5 times. Guess which sucker ends up shopping, cleaning, cooking, tidying up afterwards, chained to the cooker whilst every one else has a nice time? Now, every time there is an occasion coming up, she calls up to arrange the get together. So, basically nice occasions I'd like to enjoy, I don't get to.

I have 3 DC, one older and 2 teens. It is one of their birthdays in a few weeks. MIL has called up to see what we are doing? Also, she has asked us all to drive over there for Easter. Around Easter is really busy for us, and my DC and I don't want to take a day out on top of this. Also, and more truthfully, I spent last Easter hosting them and extended family they emotionally blackmail us into inviting, and I was knackered after it, and this year I just want to have a nice Easter Day with my own DH, DC and loads of chocolate. The hosting isn't the problem here, as she has offered. Basically now, whenever there is an occasion, she wants us all to go up to her house and celebrate it. My DC don't want to celebrate their birthdays in her house. Plus, she is the most god damn awful cook, she boils everything.

I've said no to Easter, and she's taken offence. My DH asked me and I said "No, I just want a quiet one". She is saying that she wants to see her DGC however, one of them is an adult, and the other 2 late teens, and it is a bit late to start playing granny of the year. They aren't interested. Also, my DH isn't her only DC. She doesn't hassle them as they have no DC. Whenever we do invite them, it is followed up with "what about XXX and XXX?" so it ends up a freaking party.

OP posts:
Original poster
TomatoSoupDragon · 09/02/2024 17:07

Shiny and new,

I see my PIL more now than ever because they have more time on their hands. We eat at ours, at theirs, or do a pub lunch. I just did Christmas for everyone, including them all staying over.

The issue is I don’t want to do Easter and I don’t want to arrange my DC’s birthdays around my PIL.

It’s not that I’m stopping anyone seeing them. It’s that I’ve got on with my life and parenting without their input in the past and now it feels overbearing. They hardly spoke to me in the past. FIL openly ignored me, and now they are being quite forceful at seeing us, and they are getting angry at any barriers put in place.

OP posts:
Jook · 09/02/2024 17:09

Depending on your jobs, Easter is usually four days. You don’t want to host which I understand totally, but it’s a shame you can’t find time out of the four days to visit them, or meet up somewhere as someone else suggested?

I’m not averse to cutting toxic relationships completely; in fact we are estranged from my inlaws totally (altho we have no GC of theirs). But you say you don’t dislike them, so somehow you’ll probably want to find a happy medium.

KreedKafer · 09/02/2024 17:11

Pottedpalm · 09/02/2024 15:20

All the ‘precious bubble’ stuff is a bit nauseating. Are you all going to sit down for the whole Easter weekend eating chocolate? I expect not.
Yet another I hate my in-laws thread.

But it's not just about one day at Easter, is it?

It's about every Christmas, every Easter and everyone's birthday (including the teenage kids' birthdays!) and every possible occasion or holiday. The OP's literally never gets to spend any festivity without her in-laws, who are openly unpleasant to her, being present. OP's DH is not the in-laws only child. They have plenty of other options.

Yet another I hate my in-laws thread

I love my in-laws but if they behaved like the OP's in-laws, I'd think they were cunts.

KreedKafer · 09/02/2024 17:12

Jook · 09/02/2024 17:09

Depending on your jobs, Easter is usually four days. You don’t want to host which I understand totally, but it’s a shame you can’t find time out of the four days to visit them, or meet up somewhere as someone else suggested?

I’m not averse to cutting toxic relationships completely; in fact we are estranged from my inlaws totally (altho we have no GC of theirs). But you say you don’t dislike them, so somehow you’ll probably want to find a happy medium.

Depending on your jobs, Easter is usually four days. You don’t want to host which I understand totally, but it’s a shame you can’t find time out of the four days to visit them, or meet up somewhere as someone else suggested?

But the OP and her family have 'found time' on every other occasion, throughout the year, so why can't they have just ONE holiday weekend where they don't have to?

Gymmum82 · 09/02/2024 17:17

Your children are almost adults. It’s not like you’ll be organising parties. If she asks what they are doing tell them he’s going to the pub. Or she’s having her mates over. No she doesn’t want granny invading her social time with her friends. How embarrassing!
Just decline as you are doing. If she takes the hump that’s her problem. She’s missed the boat on doting granny. Teens barely want to know their parents nevermind hang out with grandparents

LocalHobo · 09/02/2024 17:20

It is down to your DH to handle contact with his parents, of course he should host if you are unwilling or unable to do so.
Who knows how long they will be a consideration for?
He should have modelled to your DC how to be thoughtful towards aging parents in family occasions.

IsthisthereallifeIsthisjustfantasy · 09/02/2024 17:20

Where do your family fit in the mix here? Do your DC have another set of grandparents?

Original poster
TomatoSoupDragon · 09/02/2024 17:30

Even though I’m harping on about Easter, I don’t actually celebrate it in a religious way or think of it as a major festival like Christmas. It’s 4 days off to have a proper rest and eat loads of cream eggs.

I’m sure my MIL sees Easter very differently to me. I’m sure it’s up there with Christmas for her. That’s why she’s upset. She wants to get her whole family together.

That 4 days will be really useful to me to get stuff done and spend time with my DC. I just want to get my head down, and have a rest. I won’t be getting a day off work till summer, so it’s needed.

OP posts:
Original poster
TomatoSoupDragon · 09/02/2024 17:33

Yes they do have other GPs, but they live quite away from us. They go to my siblings for Christmas etc. but come see us.

We see my PIL way more than my family.

OP posts:
Daleksatemyshed · 09/02/2024 17:35

You reap what you sow. The PIL's have been pretty unkind to the Op in the past and who thinks it's reasonable to ignore someone in their own home? Their DGC are nearly adults and suddenly they want to do birthday parties as if they were ten year olds. There's more to this Op, if they didn't bother much before then why do they suddenly expect to be included in every celebration.
I know your DH will find it hard because it's always harder to say No to your own family, but he needs to talk to them about what's brought this on. Have they become aware they're getting older and they've missed the boat? Either way, he should have told them years ago that being rude and dismissive to his wife isn't acceptable.

Jook · 09/02/2024 17:35

TomatoSoupDragon · 09/02/2024 17:30

Even though I’m harping on about Easter, I don’t actually celebrate it in a religious way or think of it as a major festival like Christmas. It’s 4 days off to have a proper rest and eat loads of cream eggs.

I’m sure my MIL sees Easter very differently to me. I’m sure it’s up there with Christmas for her. That’s why she’s upset. She wants to get her whole family together.

That 4 days will be really useful to me to get stuff done and spend time with my DC. I just want to get my head down, and have a rest. I won’t be getting a day off work till summer, so it’s needed.

If you don’t have any time off until summer, I can see why you’re looking forward to a long weekend without thinking about anything else.

DinnaeFashYersel · 09/02/2024 17:39

Guess which sucker ends up shopping, cleaning, cooking, tidying up afterwards, chained to the cooker whilst every one else has a nice time?

That's on you for enabling your adult DH. Adult DC and teen DCs to be lazy feckers

NewName24 · 09/02/2024 17:40

So, you don’t want her to come to yours as you say you have to host (does your DH not do his share?) and you don’t want to go to hers as you don’t like her cooking. What would be an acceptable way for you to see her? Out for dinner somewhere or just never?

This.
My MiL wants us all to get together over Easter at some point, so it went in the family WhatsApp group to see what will suit best. We will all meet at a pub. It will be relaxing. I'll get to spend time with my dc who don't live with me plus so will their Grandparents.
I think YABU.
It is hardly 'hijacking every event' to want to see your ds and dgc 3 or 4 times a year. It is arranging a meal to spend time together. a fairly normal thing for most families.

theconfidenceofwho · 09/02/2024 17:43

As is often the case, you have a DH problem.

Gymnopedie · 09/02/2024 17:48

I see the #bekind people are here already. The MIL behaves awfully towards OP. Having ignored OP and the DCs when she and FIL were off travelling and doing their own thing, they now expect the same OP and DCs to be their built in entertainment whenever they say. And they 'live for their GCs'? Really? They didn't when the kids were little and would perhaps have liked a loving granny and grandad.

The OP has had enough of being expected to say 'how high?' when they say 'jump'. I don't see anything wrong with that.

Windydaysandwetnights · 09/02/2024 17:54

Stop giving any fucks they get angry.... Genuinely stop giving a shiney shit how they react..

1offnamechange · 09/02/2024 18:30

usually I'd say YABU in that it's normal to want to see family on significant occasions/holidays so their desire to see GC and son is normal, and you're not even meeting them half way - you don't want to go there but you also don't want them to come to you.

BUT in this case I agree it's a 'reap what you sow' moment. I grew up with 1 set of grandparents who always made an effort, came to our parties, played with us, took us to the park, knew the names of our friends and what bands we liked, and another set who visited once or twice a year and asked awkward questions 'What year are you in now?' 'Are you the one who plays football or is that your sister?' for about 5 minutes before ignoring us. Both sets lived nearby and were retired and in good health when I was a child.

Guess which set I and my siblings still see regularly, who we ring and send messages to, bring their g-grandchildren to see them, spend christmas with etc, and who we haven't seen for years? I'm sure the second would quite like to see us now they are older and widowed and in ill health, but unfortunately the time to build a relationship was 20/30 years ago.

MrsCarson · 09/02/2024 19:20

I don't think I'd want to dance to the tune of someone who said I wasn't family, even though I had married their son and had born their grandchildren.
Now they are getting old and bored they want to see more of you all, tough! Do it at your own convenience.

boopboopbidoop · 09/02/2024 19:24

NewName24 · 09/02/2024 17:40

So, you don’t want her to come to yours as you say you have to host (does your DH not do his share?) and you don’t want to go to hers as you don’t like her cooking. What would be an acceptable way for you to see her? Out for dinner somewhere or just never?

This.
My MiL wants us all to get together over Easter at some point, so it went in the family WhatsApp group to see what will suit best. We will all meet at a pub. It will be relaxing. I'll get to spend time with my dc who don't live with me plus so will their Grandparents.
I think YABU.
It is hardly 'hijacking every event' to want to see your ds and dgc 3 or 4 times a year. It is arranging a meal to spend time together. a fairly normal thing for most families.

Nah. If people are horrid to me I'm hardly going to roll the red carpet out for them. Why be a doormat. Raise your standards.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/02/2024 19:25

People who suddenly start to like DC, DGC or nephews/ nieces when they are teens and are easier/ interesting company make me laugh. Sorry, you missed the boat.

You want a relationship with them, make the effort when they are little and boring / hard work. They will then have a bond with you. They won’t want to start hanging out with granny in their teens if there’s no existing relationship.

Even worse when actual fathers do it!

Mirabai · 09/02/2024 19:34

Over Christmas we saw them 5 times. Guess which sucker ends up shopping, cleaning, cooking, tidying up afterwards, chained to the cooker whilst every one else has a nice time?

The sucker who doesn’t tell her DH that if he invites them he also cooks, shops, and cleans up afterwards 5 times. I guarantee if you do that he will invite them only once.

Yetmorebeanstocount · 09/02/2024 19:35

If DH invites them into your house, you opt out.
You can either actually go out, or go upstairs to your bedroom with snacks and read or watch something on a screen. Say you have a headache if you feel you must have an excuse.
You definitely don't do any shopping, cooking or cleaning.
When DH realises there is no food to give them, he may think twice about inviting them again.

You just have to really, really, absolutely genuinely not care what they think, how they react, or how angry they get.

You problem at the moment is that you still worry about them getting angry, or what they will think of you, or you don't want to appear rude, or you don't want to create an atmosphere, or whatever.
You just have to stop caring.

Skyleriamdanger · 09/02/2024 19:42

That was a tough read.

Froodwithatowel · 09/02/2024 20:16

OP Flowers Even if they were a joy and delight to be with you'd still want some holidays where you get to wear pyjamas for hours and not rush to clean/start meals, catch up on the things you don't have time for normally in the work routine and just have a relax! It's not a reciprocal relationship, it sounds hard work, you can't be doing that for every single event.

The teens and one older don't need mummy to bring them or be around when they see granny - if she wants to meet them and see them surely she can text and invite them as she feels like it? The wanting you to create contexts and events (and host them, cater them and clean up after them) so that she can be in the vicinity of them as a kind of captive audience is an easy option for her but you don't have to enable this. The kids are old enough at this point to vote with their feet if they want to visit gran, and she can do the work involved in the visit.

Bluenotgreen · 09/02/2024 20:23

YANBU.

I don’t really understand why you are bothered about whether MIL is annoyed/offended. She has been hostile to you and you don’t like her, so who cares?

Just avoid her as much as you can. If DH wants to see her he can go without you surely? If she messages, just say sorry, that doesn’t work for us, or DH will get back to you.

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