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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to get upset with dh not funny joke

110 replies

mehdismummy · 22/03/2008 09:16

woke up as usual this am. H off work on hols. He gets up too and has tea with us. All of a sudden and i dont know how it came up but he tells me he is taking money from my purse to go out last night. Quite obviously i am angry about this. He does not give me any money from his wages at all. The money we get child tax goes on food and nappies etc.

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mrsruffallo · 22/03/2008 09:42

Mehdi's mummy I agree with freckle- why are you still there?
There are much worse things than being a single mother
He sounds like a pig-stop being a victim

mrsruffallo · 22/03/2008 09:43

You caan give him supervised access for now

Original poster
mehdismummy · 22/03/2008 09:47

i was gonna do it via the slowly approach but i know i am just gonna tell this lady i need to get out as soon as possible

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Original poster
mehdismummy · 22/03/2008 09:50

just spoken to lady now who has assured me that she is gonna do something and has numbers for solicitors regarding ds etc. Worried ds will miss his dad but cant let him see me like this all the time

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dizzychixies · 22/03/2008 09:50

if you do it slowly you are more likely to get hurt. get everything in place as fast as you can and leave. he can see you son if he can agree to control his temper and not mentally/physically attack you either.

you are worth so much more and your life will become so much brighter and clearer once you make the move

chrissnow · 22/03/2008 09:53

ds will probably miss his dad at first, but they adapt really quickly. He will benefit from a happy, safe and strong mum. I'm glad this lasy is going to sort you out. Just be strong. You can, need to and will do this. You will come out the other side so much stronger and happier. There have been countless threads like this on MN and I have never read a follow up saying that they regretted leaving.

LynetteScavo · 22/03/2008 09:55

HI I don't really have any adivice, as I've neer been in your situation, but I can see you need to leave. Really, you do need to leave. Taking money from your pusrse is not the issue here.

Original poster
mehdismummy · 22/03/2008 09:57

i have already got seperate bank account in place. And he goes back to work after next week so if i need to i can leave whilst he is at work. Lady gonna look into me moving nearer to my home town

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Original poster
mehdismummy · 22/03/2008 09:59

he is laying in bed asleep now. So at least he is out of the way. Gonna put ds down for a nap!

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LynetteScavo · 22/03/2008 10:12

If you need to leave? Sweethart, you do need to leave. And I'm really not one for enocuraging couples to split up. Moving nearer to your home town sounds good to me. Hope you get the help you need.

mankymummy · 22/03/2008 10:17

mehdismummy... make sure he can't access your mumsnet or anything (you dont want him finding out what you are planning), get your passport, credit cards, money, DS's birth certificate all to hand. Just incase...

Be safe.

Freckle · 22/03/2008 10:23

Do you have a friend who could store some things for you? Get all your important documents, especially ds' birth certificate and passport if he has one, and let friend keep them. Move some clothes there too if possible.

The most dangerous time in a relationship where there is violence is when the victim tries to leave, so you have to get everything in place as quickly as possible. Then, when you do leave, you can just walk out of the door with your purse (as though you are going shopping) and leave for good.

Pinkchampagne · 22/03/2008 11:18

Just caught up on all this, MM, and I am appalled at your H's behaviour. I am so sorry you are going through this - it sounds like living hell, and agree you need to get out soon.

Others have given great advice. I reccomend you making an appointment with CAB, and womans aid can help you loads too.
I got a lot of support from my health visitor. Do you have a good health visitor?

I know it is hard with little RL support, but you will always have loads of support here. I wouldn't have been able to get where I am today without the ongoing support I received from posting on MN.

Freckle's advice is always very good. If you want to leave any bits with me when you visit next week, please do.

Stay safe.x

Original poster
mehdismummy · 22/03/2008 12:00

hiya pink. Sorry we just had a nap! Gonna see this lady on thursday. May bring our passports down and leave them with you. Want to move back there but just have not got the deposit to put down. If i had that i yould not come back

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Freckle · 22/03/2008 12:15

Contact the local authority in the area to which you want to move. They will have a rent deposit scheme which basically means that they guarantee the deposit to the landlord, so you don't actually have to have the cash. Some landlords won't accept the scheme, but some will. If you are moving back to the area where you have family, this will show a local connection, so you shouldn't have any problem getting the local authority to agree.

You should also get your name now onto their homeless register (also claiming a local connection). Explain that you are a victim of domestic violence and that you will be escaping from your violent husband, with a young child. You may end up in B&B for a while, but you should be a priority for the authority.

TheAntiFlounce · 22/03/2008 12:18

You need to call the police next time he is violent, as the LHA may demand proof that you are leaving an abusive relationship.

TheAntiFlounce · 22/03/2008 12:20

women's aid

Original poster
mehdismummy · 22/03/2008 12:22

i have spoken to the council where i come from and they have suggested i go to camden and tell them i want to move and they will help. The lady at safety net has written this all down and is gonna help with it

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TheAntiFlounce · 22/03/2008 12:27

Good.

Keep going with this, Mehdismummy .. don't be fooled by a good day, or good week, or whatever, because as you know, he has the capability for violence, and he won't stop.

wishfort · 23/03/2008 07:59

Went through this v.quickly. Why are you with this rse?

Kick him to the kerb.

ara · 23/03/2008 08:29

This is so dreadful - the desicion to leave must be a daunting one but just think - he is isolating so much in this 'relationship' that you are already existing with absolutely no support, and in fact you are existing and managing to bring up ds in the face of absolute diversity, bullying and violence.

What are you losing if you leave? Nothing. You already exist on very little money - you will actually gain by leaving this awful man. You will gain your confidence back, stability for you and your ds and you will gain peace of mind.

I have read your posts before and as my sister has recently left an abusive partner I know how isolated you must feel. My DSis is like a different person only three weeks after leaving her P - when she finally took the power back from him it was as though someone flicked a switch and she suddenly came back to life.

I really hope you find the strength to do this for you and your DS.

As other posters have said, this is the time you will be most vulnerable but it sounds like you are putting plans in place in order to be able to leave very quickly without a huge confrontation.

Original poster
mehdismummy · 23/03/2008 08:37

hi. Woke up this morning to much the same treatment. He awake but told me to shut the bedroom door so he can relax and watch tv without being disturbed. I hate him. He is an arsehole. I cant do it anymore. When i see this lady i am gonna tell her that i need to get out. Seen so many other posters do it and under alot worse situations. Sat on my own again last night. Everyone is right i really have nothing to lose

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glazedkremedonuts · 23/03/2008 08:39

Mehdismummy,

Just wanted you to know Im thinking of you.

Please stay safe. Leaving is such a dangerous time. If you want some advice from someone who has done it recently, and tried to plan it etc...my advice would be as soon as you have a refuge or somewhere to go, then to take literally your dc and yourself and a handbag, and say you are going to the shops. And dont return.

I got hurt because I tried to take my stuff and took too long. Men can get very angry you are leaving them....

You can always get a police escourt to get your stuff later, and refuges have clothes etc.

BIG HUG.

Im sorry I cant help out in real life.

Please take care

glazedkremedonuts · 23/03/2008 08:42

If you call the dv helpline, you might be able to get in a refuge straight away.
0808 2000 247.

Im not in my flat yet, otherwise I would have you with me. Maybe another mnetter has room?

Original poster
mehdismummy · 23/03/2008 08:46

hi glazed it was actually your post that gave me the courage to speak up. I am going to my mums friday and gonna leave some stuff with pinkchampagne. Also gonna start moving bits into a suitcase. He thinks i am just sorting clothes out to go to charity. He works from seven in morning until three in afternoon so will leave when he is at work. I Will see what lady says on thursday

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