How do you deal with victim mentality behaviour

[JonnyTheDogFacedBoy]

I think I'm describing this behaviour accurately by saying victim mentality, but I might be wrong.

Basically, whenever anyone tries to have a difficult conversation with my mother, or she does something to upset someone and they call her on it, she will cry (fair enough, I know that's not always controllable) but the infuriating thing is that she will apologise in such an overly dramatic way to garner sympathy.

So, using a made up scenario as an example: she says she will meet me at a restaurant at 1pm. She arrives at 2pm. I say, in a mildly annoyed voice but not shouting, "mum, you're an hour late, what happened? I've been sat here like a lemon."
She would burst in to tears and wail "why are you shouting at me? I'm sorry I'm such a useless terrible person and everyone hates me because I'm such a horrible human" etc etc. So I then have to comfort her and reassure her and she's neatly sidestepped being accountable for her behaviour.

It makes it impossible to discuss anything important with her because she always turns the dynamic around to her needing me (or whoever she's with) to reassure her. The drama triangle thing rings a bell, like any instance where she could be seen as the wrongdoer switches round to her being the victim.

Anyone have any experience of this dynamic and know how to respond in a more useful way? Also, feel free to share any of your personal experiences of this mindfuckery behaviour. Misery loves company, as they say.

I'm open to guidance from all of you knowledgeable souls

but she certainly believes it. So it was factual to her.

Imagine what her life was as child. She had to protect herself against a bullying father and sisters. Crying and protesting is a very effective strategy in stopping people being nasty to you. It gets you sympathy and attention. Maybe she's never learnt that it's no longer necessary.

all of my sympathies. If you find a book that helps you figure out how to get through to a victim, please update the thread.

My mother is another victim, but her MO is the silent treatment. She then denies that she gave you the silent treatment

I know we're all responsible for our own behavior but my mother makes me feel crazy with disappointment and frustration so I have to stay away nwo

I know what you mean. My mother also has a MARKED reaction to anybody else trying to briefly take the victim position if you see what I mean. Not like I identify as being a victim, but occasionally I have tried to ask my mother not to do x, y or z and it isn't criticism exactly, just a request that some behaviour be modified. Her reaction to this is so extreme. I'm exhausted now..

Also, we can have the same emotion but it means different things in our family. My hurt says nothing about her, but proves how unstable I am, how sensitive I am, how unhinged I am, how ''unhappy'' I am.

Her hurt says nothing about how sensitive/unstable she is though, weirdly, her hurt also proves how hurtful I am, ungrateful, entitled, aggressive I am. So no matter who feels the hurt, it makes me the bad guy.

This sounds so familiar to me. I have spent my whole life in a state of confusion about how I can always be in the wrong in circumstances when I really don’t think I am. I was the scapegoat child and my brother was the golden child as far as my mother was concerned. It is mentally exhausting and I still feel that there is something fundamentally bad about me.

My mum hates it if someone else is ill as she likes all the sympathy to be towards her. She always accuses them of putting it on. This includes a man who was terminally ill with cancer.
I used to get bad period pains when I was a teenager/20s but because she never got period pains she decided I was making it up.

I'm not an expert, but I think I would make a neutral response about 'Oh dear. What makes them think that? Are they intending to do further tests?' followed up by 'The main thing is to remain positive until you have a confirmed diagnosis. There is no point dwelling on things that may not occur'.

If accused of being heartless I think I'd keep responding 'What makes you say that? I merely suggested you shouldn't upset yourself until you have a definite diagnosis'. Keep things neutral. Keep repeating stock phrases like 'Well, we don't know that yet'.

And take a massive step back from them!

@Hatty65 I appreciate that thanks

I feel for you OP
We'e encountered the same with a family member - you cant avoid it, it wont go away and often you are made to feel guilty.

We tried to ignore and this is easier if you are not living together

I do my utmost to avoid despite her trying to get into 'my business' via manipulating others.

@BananaWaving you are normal and a good person, do your best not to let your history dictate to you.

Thank you xx

Some people are born overly sensitive and cannot accept any criticism or boundary put in place , though you do this verbally. You either find ways to speak to them softly and sweetly to like a baby or they will always make a fuss, cry and tell you , you bully them. It is a form of a special need which does not have official name, probably will be one of the characteristics of HSP.

If I can add to this, possibly being 'heartless' is actually a useful response.

'OK, so if that's the case, you'll need to arrange power of attorney for somebody to make decisions regarding your finances, medical treatment and care once you've not longer got mental capacity to make them yourself. Is your will up to date? You don't want to be one of those ladies who get tricked by somebody into giving them all their money.

How much is the house valued at and how much savings do you have, as once the savings are gone, it'll be necessary to sell the house to fund your care? Do you want to be resuscitated if you go into cardiac arrest or have another life threatening event? Oh, no, it wouldn't be possible for you to move in with us, as you'll need experienced carers. If you get in touch with council social services once the diagnosis is formalised, they might be able to assist with arranging for carers to come in and check on you a couple of times a day.

Well, yes, we had suspected as much with the disproportionate reactions you have to things, but it's early days yet and getting this stuff sorted sooner rather than waiting until it's too late and there's some stranger from the council who doesn't know you making the decisions for you makes far more sense. Of course nobody's happy about it, but it''s not as if it's curable, so getting tearful about it isn't going to help. Have you any preferences for your funeral when the time comes?'

Brutal practicality - they're actually pertinent questions for somebody before they lose capacity and it doesn't reward lying in the way she thinks this shock announcement should, with tears and apologies and running to meet her every whim.

My mother does the same. Any mention that she is in the wrong or her behavior is a problem and you get strops,tears, and proclamations of "I,m the worst person in the world " When I was younger I would do the same as you, rush to comfort her and reassure her she was the best mother in the world etc.

As an adult, it's water of a ducks back now. I don't feel any guilt ignoring the behaviour or I will just tell her shes being ridiculous and over dramatic and I,m not listening to it. so will leave /put the phone down.
She certainly does it less now she doesn't get the response she wanted, but our relationship is destroyed and very superficial.

Do you have conversations at other times? Can't you bring it up one day when you are at her house. The 5 pork chops is so pathetic, why on earth just not buy 5. I think my patience would blow if they continued. But I'd have said something before. Try: "mum I need to talk to you about something". Pause. And wait. Till she responds. Then start: "last week at the restaurant....."

Sorry, just seen the drip feed of brother.