How do you deal with victim mentality behaviour

[JonnyTheDogFacedBoy]

I think I'm describing this behaviour accurately by saying victim mentality, but I might be wrong.

Basically, whenever anyone tries to have a difficult conversation with my mother, or she does something to upset someone and they call her on it, she will cry (fair enough, I know that's not always controllable) but the infuriating thing is that she will apologise in such an overly dramatic way to garner sympathy.

So, using a made up scenario as an example: she says she will meet me at a restaurant at 1pm. She arrives at 2pm. I say, in a mildly annoyed voice but not shouting, "mum, you're an hour late, what happened? I've been sat here like a lemon."
She would burst in to tears and wail "why are you shouting at me? I'm sorry I'm such a useless terrible person and everyone hates me because I'm such a horrible human" etc etc. So I then have to comfort her and reassure her and she's neatly sidestepped being accountable for her behaviour.

It makes it impossible to discuss anything important with her because she always turns the dynamic around to her needing me (or whoever she's with) to reassure her. The drama triangle thing rings a bell, like any instance where she could be seen as the wrongdoer switches round to her being the victim.

Anyone have any experience of this dynamic and know how to respond in a more useful way? Also, feel free to share any of your personal experiences of this mindfuckery behaviour. Misery loves company, as they say.

You deal with it by not enabling it. Eg when she says “oh I must be a terrible person” and cries you ignore the histrionics and say calmly: “I would like you to be on time next time. I am happy to wait 15 mins but any more than that and I’m leaving as I have things to do”. Then you must follow through with it.

Shes doing this because it works and there is a pay off for her. If you don’t collude with it, stay neutral but put in firm boundaries she will eventually stop. But it will involve you changing how you react to it. You can’t change her but you absolutely can control your reaction to it.

It's very difficult. Try not to enable it or feed into the behaviour. I actually feel like your responses are bang on point, OP. You are calmly and matter-of-factly stating the facts. Sometimes, after you've done this, you just have to step away until the person is in a better frame of mind, maybe the next day.

As a PP said, I’d be turning into the biggest, greyist rock around. My Mum has form for this sort of thing too, and I just put on my most neutral voice possible and repeat some phrase or set of platitudes and eventually she gets the message and STFU. It’s a powerful technique! You have to be vigilant and do it every time you see the manipulation coming, which can get a bit draining, but it helps break the cycle

OP the grey rock technique is staying calm and not engaging with the drama. it sounds like you are already doing it. Eventually it works, but it can take a long time. You just have to keep at it.

I guess there might be people it doesn’t work with, but even in those cases it’s worth doing, just for yourself because it makes you feel calmer, in control and emotionally regulated. I know how tempting it is to ‘call it out’ but that is actually what she wants. For some reason she needs that type of engagement with you. If you show any sign of annoyance you will be pulled back into the drama.

https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method

Oh I've an ex-friend who did this. But on top of her behaviour like this she would say things that would make you think 'oh, is she being horrible there?...no, she wouldn't say that...would she?...erm was she just nasty to me or?' Really clever. So when she did it to a mutual friend once, mutual friend called her out on what she said...saying 'are you deliberately being rude or?' Ex friend immediately burst into tears...oh I've had such a bad day...ive not slept...im so stressed...' we immediately were horrified and thought aren't we awful to think that she had deliberately been horrible!! Until she did it again. And again. On the 3rd time, we walked away. Too much hard work!

When she does the whole "you must hate me, I'm an awful person" routine, just calmly say "I don't hate you, but this is awful behaviour on your part and entirely unpleasant to be around."

And keep reiterating that sort of thing. "Yes, I do love you, but I certainly don't love your behaviour."

"I don't think you're an awful person, but it is awful behaviour to leave someone waiting for an hour."

"Your behaviour is your choice and if you choose to behave like that, I will choose to be around you less."

Focus on the behaviour, that is within her gift to control.

This is what I do and it works. "I don't think you're a horrible person but making someone wait for an hour IS horrible behaviour and I don't appreciate it. I won't wait that long next time as I will be leaving if you arent here after 20 mins. It feels horrible for me having to wait an hour for you every single time we meet up and I am fed up of it".

Focus on the behaviour- she absolutely can control that.

Where did you nab this from as this is so spot on for my ex husband's behaviour and also my mother's too?.
I listed some 2024 goals largely around me shifting my own response to others and it's been brilliant.
I'm talking a moment to be less reactive and thus give myself time to decide how to respond.

My mother is exactly the same. Impossible to have an adult conversation with her and our relationship is completely superficial. Sad but she isn’t capable of change now.

Where did you nab this from as this is so spot on for my ex husband's behaviour and also my mother's too?

It's really spot on isnt it? I saw it on a FB group and saved it as it resonated with me so much 😊

My mother is the exact same. She's a narcissist and can't stand her really. I'm completely superficial around her and on egg shells.
Sadly, I have noticed that I mimic this behaviour and I'm absolutely desperate to stop it. If my husband and I have a (rare) disagreement, I slip into thinking he doesn't like me, feel that he hates me. I get overwhelmed and cry. Absolutely ridiculous behaviour.
Grey-rock is good but it is exhausting.

At least you are aware of your behaviour so you can work on it. I was similar but I have changed over the years (with therapy) whereas mummy dearest will never change

My mum does exactly this. It’s basically a version of DARVO, isn’t it- one that makes her the child and you the parent. I can’t offer any advice- my response has been to lower my expectations to zero and not allow myself to be in a position where it matters. This means our relationship is basically just a weekly phone call where she talks until she gets bored and that’s it.

Try reading 'adult children of emotional immature parents- Lindsey Gibson'
There's tips on how to deal with "adults" like this

Thanks, I will.

To be clear, as I think I've muddied the waters with my lateness example: that is a made up example to give an idea of how she behaves. The issues are much worse that lateness. The biggest issue is that My step father was physically abusive to all of us kids and my mum made excuses and looked the other way. She feels she is the victim in this scenario (although he's never hit her, but he is generally an abusive dickhead to all) as she has a strained relationship with her children, and must stand by her man!?

My brother, who bore the worst physical violence and has been having therapy to work through his trauma, recently told my mum that he feels she let him down as a child. This was a big deal for him and took so much courage. Instead of taking this on board and hugging him and apologising, she literally stamped her foot and screamed "I had no choice, I was trapped, you don't know what it's like, why are you being so aggressive" etc. She then phoned me sobbing to say my brother had screamed and shouted at her saying he hates her guts (never happene). Basically wanting my comfort and reassurance that my brother has been unreasonable. I didn't engage at all and just said I'll phone my brother to see how he is as it sounds like he must be upset too. She didn't like that but 🤷‍♀️

I call it Catholic Martyr behaviour. Your response to it is enabling though. She's seeking that response. Don't give it to her. 'Indeed' or 'quite' are very useful non committal words.

My Mum is like that too. I refuse to engage and have finally realised that she will never change so I have to limit the hurt to myself by not getting involved.

@minthybobs really helpful guidance thanks, in fact the whole thread is good.

When she starts up with the 'You must hate me' bollocks I'd be included to reply sarcastically with 'Yes that's right Mum, I always sit on my own in a coffee shop like a lemon for an hour waiting for people I hate! Please don't try and twist this into something for you to be upset about, I've been worried sick about you and the least you could've done is sent a text to say you were running late'.

OK this is quite the drip feed, but I do completely understand why you didn’t want to open the thread with it.

Having read this update my advice on dealing with your mother is never to speak to her again, because she’s awful.

When you think of old films of the 40s, 50s and even 60s, women were often depicted getting emotional and hysterical in reaction to things or to get their own way, men then slapped them to get them to stop and this was deemed necessary and expected. 🙄. I think in a way this both reflected something that existed in culture and influenced it too. Women didn't have as many ways to be heard or to control things. Maybe this lingers with some older women who picked it up as children, it worked for them so they got stuck doing it.
It's definitely not acceptable now thank goodness.

I was always expected to look after my mother when I was a child rather than her looking after me. I didn’t realise there was anything wrong with that for decades. Anyone else experience that with their victim mentality mothers?

Your poor brother. I bet he appreciated your support.

Your mother does this because she is a narcissist. Narcs dont always think they are perfect, but when they accept they are wrong, they will be the wrongest person that every existed in the whole history of the world - ifswim.

Try the Karpman drama triangle stuff - although it is often given to people for self help in changing their own behaviours, you can use the ideas as an unwilling participant.

About the Drama Triangle – And how to escape it | Listening Partnership | Oxford

Yes, sorry, you're right that it was an epic drip feed. I wanted ideas on how to respond to this behaviour but thought giving the back story would derail things. The lateness analogy wasn't a good one in hindsight, obviously I'd just leave!

Going no contact could happen. I'm not there yet, but I feel like it might be inevitable if she can't change.