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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he expects too much of me

66 replies

Kaylasmum49 · 08/02/2024 07:40

I’m in a relationship with a 73 year old man, I am 57. Our relationship is struggling and I’m not sure what to do.

This is my first relationship since splitting from my abusive ex 2 and a half years ago. We have been together for 9 months but I don’t know if we can make it work. He is a psychologist and is considerably more intellectual than me. He is also quite entitled which I find incredibly difficult to deal with. We do have some lovely times together but we disagree on many things.

He was diagnosed with esophageal cancer 2 years ago and is recovering well, he also lost his son to suicide 3 years ago so he has been through a lot. My main issue is that he is planning a 300 mile cycle trip in memory of his son and he has asked me if I would accompany him on this trip. I would be driving a camper van and he will cycle so many miles then we will stop for the night. I have a 17 year old autistic son, I am his carer. He will be coming along aswell which will be a challenge for him.

my issue is that while talking to my dp last night I was made aware that the camper van has no shower, I raised the fact that I would find it difficult to cope for 2 weeks without proper facilities and he has made me feel like I am making a fuss over nothing and that “I have a job to do” and should just make the best of it. I really want to support him on this journey but I feel like me thoughts and feelings about it are completely irrelevant to him. I should add that I am also autistic and find uncertainty very difficult. I need structure and this trip now appears not to have that.

aibu and should I just go with the flow? I don’t know if I’m being too inflexible. I think this could break out relationship.

OP posts:
Hoglet70 · 08/02/2024 07:42

He's only thinking of himself on this one. He needs to find someone else to drive his van!

jeaux90 · 08/02/2024 07:43

He sounds very entitled.
Your DC comes first and if he is going to find it hard you shouldn't be doing it.

He is using you like his support human. I'd say no.

saoirse31 · 08/02/2024 07:43

He sounds quite selfish tbh. Not sure what you're getting out of this relationship tbh

FenellaBestwick · 08/02/2024 07:44

Why not plan the trip so you do have access to showering facilities? I'm sure you could find pubs with accommodation along the way who also have rooms & would let you use a shower there if you contacted them & explained in advance.

maslinpan · 08/02/2024 07:46

He is just taking advantage of your good will. "You have a job to do", bloody hell, I bet he's not paying you to be his support driver and general helper! Treat this as a wake up call..By the way, people who are "more intellectual" can also be self-centered idiots.

BitOutOfPractice · 08/02/2024 07:47

That seriously sounds like my idea of hell. And I’m sure it does for your DS.

For me, he’d be replanning the whole thing or doing it in his own. And I’d be rethinking the whole relationship.

FuckinghellthatsUnbelievable · 08/02/2024 07:47

He does sound a bit rubbish. Although I have travelled in a no shower camper van and just organised stops with a gym or pool and had a decent scrub.

GreyCarpet · 08/02/2024 07:47

Nah.

The main thing you understand upon getting into a relationship where children are involved is that the children come first. You understand this even more when one of those children has additional needs.

You don't 'have a job to do'. There is something he wants to do (and that's fair enough) but you have no obligation to accompany him.

If you do have any 'job to do', it's meeting the needs of your son.

BitOutOfPractice · 08/02/2024 07:48

By the way, don’t let him guilt trip you with the “the ride is for my son”. Because I bet he will try that.

GreyCarpet · 08/02/2024 07:48

Tbh, whether there is a shower or not and how you could work around this are irrelevant.

pootlin · 08/02/2024 07:49

Back out now. Put your son and yourself above an entitled man, no matter how intellectual he is.

kiwiane · 08/02/2024 07:51

What a selfish man - time to throw this one back!

Hoardasurass · 08/02/2024 07:51

Run, run away as fast and far as you can. This is an abusive manipulative man who thinks of you as an employee not a partner, you and your ds deserve so much more

Codlingmoths · 08/02/2024 07:56

‘You know, I don’t actually have a job to do. I was trying to support you, but you don’t seem at all interested in the same. I’m not going to travel two weeks without a shower, I hope you can find someone to drive your van.’
and stick to your no, you are not just a convenience. ‘No, I won’t be changing my mind. Oh you can make it so there’s a hotel now? I knew it was perfectly possible, you just didn’t want to consider me. I really am going to give this a miss, next time you can try not treating me like an appliance from the outset. I’m a person, I’m my son’s carer, and I only want to be with someone who supports this.’

dizzydizzydizzy · 08/02/2024 07:57

maslinpan · 08/02/2024 07:46

He is just taking advantage of your good will. "You have a job to do", bloody hell, I bet he's not paying you to be his support driver and general helper! Treat this as a wake up call..By the way, people who are "more intellectual" can also be self-centered idiots.

This!

ExDP was also an intellectual....... and a narcissist.

I am also autistic and can be naive.

Watch out OP.

Penguinmouse · 08/02/2024 07:59

I would run for the hills to be honest. He doesn’t sound particularly nice.

LaviniasBigBloomers · 08/02/2024 08:01

DS18 has ASD and does very well and is very independent: I am by no means his carer. However he would hate this and find it very, very difficult. He likes his routine and his routine prioritises his needs. It would be incredibly stressful for him to just cope in a camper for two whole weeks. Holidays, even lovely holidays, aren't very pleasant as a family.

On a separate note: this is no small ask. Have you ever driven a camper van? Do you know how to do all the set-up and stuff? Where is this cycle, who's route planned it? How much driving are you doing a day? Are you expected to 'trail' him (your comment about not being able to access a shower makes me think you are) - that's not really how it works, you have to have check-points where you meet up with him (which would give you time for things like showers!). Are you confident about the safety aspects of this trip?

TheInfusionist · 08/02/2024 08:03

Will all three of you sleep in the van? That sounds awful - and pretty weird for your son. My 15 year old son doesn't ever want to sleep in our camper van, he has his own tent. Surely putting an autistic 17 year old in that situation won't work?

And that's without even thinking about the shower situation, or what your relationship looks like!

LaviniasBigBloomers · 08/02/2024 08:06

Also why is it taking 14 days to cycle 300 miles? I just googled a cancer research ride and they reckon 20 hours for 300 miles - of course you couldn't do that all in one day but even only doing 5 hours a day makes it, erm, 4 days. 3 hours a day makes it a week.

nomoretoriesforme · 08/02/2024 08:06

He is too old and too entitled. What are you getting out of this relationship?

Fraaahnces · 08/02/2024 08:08

I think it’s not workable with your DS. Tell him now he needs a friend to take on “this job” as it’s simply not viable. (Sounds like hell!)

Bananalanacake · 08/02/2024 08:14

It's only been 9 months, I'm assuming you don't live together, you owe him nothing and your ds is more important.

betterangels · 08/02/2024 08:21

Are you his support human? Because "you have a job to do" makes it sound like that's how he sees you.

If I were you, I'd tell him to find another driver for the van, wish him good luck on the trip and focus on your child from home. Don't make your child go through this when you know he'll find it difficult.

KreedKafer · 08/02/2024 08:22

It sounds to me as if you’ve gone from one kind of abusive relationship to another kind of abusive relationship.

You’ve been seeing this man for less than a year and he’s asking you and your autistic teenage son to follow him around the country in a cramped camper van with no shower (and no privacy, which is a major issue if you have a teenage son) and telling you that it’s your job to do this for me? Yeah, no thanks. He sounds awful.

Also, what you do mean by ‘more intellectual’? Do you just mean he’s an intelligent man? Or do you really mean (and I think this is more likely) that he implies that he is cleverer/more rational than you and makes you feel small? Please think about this relationship very carefully.

You do not ‘have a job to do’ for this man. You are his girlfriend, not his assistant.

On a purely practical level, what he’s asking is extremely unreasonable. But there are also more red flags in general than a Maoist rally.

MrsSkylerWhite · 08/02/2024 08:23

Sorry but I’d be telling him where he could shove his bicycle. Selfish sod.