To think he expects too much of me

[Kaylasmum49]

I’m in a relationship with a 73 year old man, I am 57. Our relationship is struggling and I’m not sure what to do.

This is my first relationship since splitting from my abusive ex 2 and a half years ago. We have been together for 9 months but I don’t know if we can make it work. He is a psychologist and is considerably more intellectual than me. He is also quite entitled which I find incredibly difficult to deal with. We do have some lovely times together but we disagree on many things.

He was diagnosed with esophageal cancer 2 years ago and is recovering well, he also lost his son to suicide 3 years ago so he has been through a lot. My main issue is that he is planning a 300 mile cycle trip in memory of his son and he has asked me if I would accompany him on this trip. I would be driving a camper van and he will cycle so many miles then we will stop for the night. I have a 17 year old autistic son, I am his carer. He will be coming along aswell which will be a challenge for him.

my issue is that while talking to my dp last night I was made aware that the camper van has no shower, I raised the fact that I would find it difficult to cope for 2 weeks without proper facilities and he has made me feel like I am making a fuss over nothing and that “I have a job to do” and should just make the best of it. I really want to support him on this journey but I feel like me thoughts and feelings about it are completely irrelevant to him. I should add that I am also autistic and find uncertainty very difficult. I need structure and this trip now appears not to have that.

aibu and should I just go with the flow? I don’t know if I’m being too inflexible. I think this could break out relationship.

Cancel asap

Not in a trillion years.

Well, the obvious question is why you’re not just staying at campsites with showers.

But…

It’s a moot point really, it falls so far behind the question of, “you’re 57 and he’s 73! Why would you willingly walk into that likely carer age gap?!” Ugh.

I’d personally love that trip. And have done similar. No two autistic people are the same - my autistic niece would love that road trip, my nephew would hate it. If it doesn’t work for your child - don’t do it.

He doesn’t sound very nice 🤷🏻‍♀️

Will he not be showering either? No way would I spend weeks in a campervan with someone who had cycled for 8 hours that day and hadn't showered!!!

Either way, say no. He's using you and its only been 9 months. Doesn't sound like a great relationship at all.

firstly I need to say that my son comes first always! My ds was agreeable to the idea initially but we haven’t really discussed all the issues surrounding the trip.

My dp is a Quaker and his plan is to stop off at Quaker meeting houses on the trip every day and for him to do a talk on suicide prevention and autism (his son was autistic) this is why it would take 2 weeks. My ds has written and recorded his own album and he was going to play a song from it after my dp does his speech. We are hoping that this will help my son become more independent as he has social communication difficulties. He also only has a year left with the amazing autism support group that he attends regularly so this year is crucial in helping him become more independent of me. My dp has worked with autistic children for over 40 years so I know that he has my son’s best interests at heart.

I really would like to support him on his cycle but there seems to be too many obstacles in the way. If I’m honest I don’t think this relationship will work. I have great difficulty in ending things and moving on, I think this is due to my autism and struggling with change.

Most camp sites have facilities and it’s not really a big ask for him to factor that in when planning trips.

Are the 3 of you really going to sleep in a camper for 2 weeks?

Also is he only doing 20 miles a day? It will only take him max 2 hours. So you’ll be spending a lot of time together and very little driving.

Your own son's needs should come before the memory of your bloke's son. Let him find someone else to drive the camper van.

Aside from everything everyone else has said, it sounds like it would be as boring as hell for you and your son. Either stuck driving a camper behind some slow cyclist, or sitting around in laybys waiting for him to have an energy gel and an ego boost.
And I bet he'll be expecting you to sort out his dirty lycra and have clean fresh kit for him, plus be his personal slave and do all the cooking and cleaning while he 'recovers' every day.

Hard no for the trip, and I'd give the whole relationship a good bit of scrutiny.

Why is it her job? he should he planning it like this.

MagpiePi - I wouldn’t be doing all those things for him, not a chance! He cooks for me regularly as I don’t enjoy cooking while he does.

My ds and I have been looking on this as an adventure but I hadn’t really thought it through properly.

He is NOT your boss and it is NOT your job to do this. Why does he think he gets to order you around?

The lack of facilities is something you could potentially get round with a bit of planning. It’s his utter dismissiveness of you I find troubling.

So tell him now what needs to happen to make it work for you and your son. If he won’t accommodate your wishes, then resign from the ‘job’ he has given you.

That much togetherness in an already slightly rocky relationship is unlikely to be a good plan.

He had mentioned previously that he would be happy to sleep in a tent overnight so that we have space. I just don’t feel that he is in anyway grateful that I would be doing this for him. I absolutely love driving so it seemed like a good idea until I realised that there was no shower in the camper van. I think I just assumed we would stay on a campsite most of the nights

Why on earth are you still with this selfish much older man? He's not thinking of you at all. He just wants you to think of him.

OP, on this occasion, tell him to do one! What a selfish unthoughtful man.
I would struggle for a day without adequate washing facilities! Yuk!

More intellectual than you? More of an entitled, head up own arse twat!

Sorry OP, it's a no from me.

I would run for the hills. He’s fundamentally very selfish I think.

You need to put your needs and those of your son first. You’re not his support act.

He is intellectual and unfortunately quite entitled with it but he has some lovely endearing qualities too.

As I have said I did want to support him on this but now with the realisation that there won’t be the basic facilities that myself and my ds require it seems to be unrealistic. My dp has said that he will find some other way to do his cycle but I feel that I have let him down

Job to do? You are not his employee.

Entitled selfish arse hole

How is your partner expecting to manage without any shower facilities? Is he planning on delivering these talks in meeting houses while stinking of his own sweat?

"You have a job to do". What an entitled prick. Tell the silly old bugger to jog on. If he doesn't like it then tough. You and your son are your priority. If it makes life difficult for you then don't do it. Tell him to get someone else to drive his stupid van.

Good point.

Just the thought of not having a shower for two weeks and then forcing my autistic son to sleep in such close quarters makes me want to run far, far away. Set your boundaries. You can join him for a concert or play. Not this.

If you do decide to still accompany him because it sounds as if your DS would benefit from it to some extent, I would be laying down hard and fast rules. You absolutely have to at the very least, stay on campsites with decent facilities, or he pays for you to stay in hotels/b&bs or whatever. Otherwise I'd tell him to sod off.