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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think he expects too much of me

66 replies

Kaylasmum49 · 08/02/2024 07:40

I’m in a relationship with a 73 year old man, I am 57. Our relationship is struggling and I’m not sure what to do.

This is my first relationship since splitting from my abusive ex 2 and a half years ago. We have been together for 9 months but I don’t know if we can make it work. He is a psychologist and is considerably more intellectual than me. He is also quite entitled which I find incredibly difficult to deal with. We do have some lovely times together but we disagree on many things.

He was diagnosed with esophageal cancer 2 years ago and is recovering well, he also lost his son to suicide 3 years ago so he has been through a lot. My main issue is that he is planning a 300 mile cycle trip in memory of his son and he has asked me if I would accompany him on this trip. I would be driving a camper van and he will cycle so many miles then we will stop for the night. I have a 17 year old autistic son, I am his carer. He will be coming along aswell which will be a challenge for him.

my issue is that while talking to my dp last night I was made aware that the camper van has no shower, I raised the fact that I would find it difficult to cope for 2 weeks without proper facilities and he has made me feel like I am making a fuss over nothing and that “I have a job to do” and should just make the best of it. I really want to support him on this journey but I feel like me thoughts and feelings about it are completely irrelevant to him. I should add that I am also autistic and find uncertainty very difficult. I need structure and this trip now appears not to have that.

aibu and should I just go with the flow? I don’t know if I’m being too inflexible. I think this could break out relationship.

OP posts:

NewmummyJ · 08/02/2024 10:15

Throw this one back! You sound lovely, you can find someone better. You do not have to drive this man around his cycling trip, sounds exhausting, even without an autistic 17 year old in tow!

Animatedapple · 08/02/2024 10:17

You definitely do not have to do this. Having already agreed to it though, you are going to have to have a conversation where you start by knowing what you want and explaining that and not being bullied into changing your mind. Good luck

RedPinkPeach · 08/02/2024 10:25

I think you ought to say, sorry this doesn’t work for me or DS, on reflection I don’t think I’m up to the task - perhaps asks someone else with an interest in the charity to do it.

ChihuahuasREvil · 08/02/2024 10:34

I get the feeling you feel inferior and overpowered by this man, otherwise you wouldn’t have mentioned that he’s more intellectual, and by intellectual I assume you mean academic. Being academic is nothing to do with how intelligent you are. I’m more academic than my partner but it’s not something that would matter to either of us or that either of us would feel the need to mention, she has mad skills in other areas that I’m rubbish at. People who claim to be intellectual, or who make a big deal about how smart they are compared to others, directly or covertly, are twats who need avoiding. The whole relationship sounds lopsided and this is just another example I expect. No, you absolutely shouldn’t be going along with this just because he says you should. It’s got nothing to do with autism either, I wouldn’t do it, and I’m not autistic, and I very definitely wouldn’t be trying to bully my autistic partner into doing it either. I also think this relationship doesn’t sound good for you. Just in the space of one OP I can get an idea that he’s domineering and that you feel squashed. Don’t do it, it’ll damage you.

PredictiveText941 · 08/02/2024 10:42

Actually your partner can organise this trip to go alone, if he wishes

He can book & pay for hotels, B&Bs, hostels, camp sites, AirB&Bs

He can organise to provide his talks & ask his contacts for recommendations of where to stay along the route. Some of his contacts may provide him with free accommodation

You & your child, could meet him at the start & the end ?

Do not agree to anything that you are not comfortable with, set your boundaries

Blahblah34 · 08/02/2024 10:43

But you will have to stay in campsites overnight surely? You're not allowed to sleep overnight in car parks in most places.

LaviniasBigBloomers · 08/02/2024 11:03

If he's willing to camp why do you need a camper van? Stay in Premier Inns with your son, camper van hire is astronomical!

Sususudio · 08/02/2024 11:18

My DH likes to do some long and uncomfortable trips to bare bones meditation retreats. Meditation is very not much my thing so I meet him at the end for some food, drink and other general fun. And we have been married over 20 years. He still doesn't expect me to do stuff I don't like to do, or be uncomfortable.

DancefloorAcrobatics · 08/02/2024 11:23

Draw the line and move on.

Or just tell him it's not feasible for you to accompany him. If he goes into a strop or puts any kind of guit trip or pressure onto you, you know he's a gonna!

Original poster

Kaylasmum49 · 08/02/2024 11:24

We have had a talk today and he has apologised and said that he was just carried away with the importance of the trip. He said that he will find some other way to make it possible for him. He’s really not as bad as he appears, just very set in his ways.

OP posts:

Sususudio · 08/02/2024 11:28

Yeah, men tend to get like that as they get older. Boundaries.

However, all's well that ends well. Maybe you can get him a thoughtful gift in his son's memory or meet him at the end.

DillyDilly · 08/02/2024 11:28

Too much of an age gap - big difference between 57 and 73, you are going to end up being his carer and catering to his every demand. You've only been together 9 months - doesn't sound like he's making you happy. I'd move on from the relationship.

FreebieWallopFridge · 08/02/2024 12:12

Dear god woman, it’s only been 9 months - get rid before you find yourself as his live in support worker.

PancakeTuesdayiscoming · 08/02/2024 12:18

Yeah, dump the entitled and demanding old man.

Running around after him is not your ‘job’.

Original poster

Kaylasmum49 · 08/02/2024 12:27

Our age gap is not an issue to me. He is fitter than I am and has a more youthful outlook than most men of his age. He is absolutely not a boring old man.

Anyone in a relationship could become a carer to their partner regardless of age so I think the comments about me potentially needing to look after him are unnecessary.

OP posts:

Yougetmoreofwhatyoufocuson · 08/02/2024 14:48

If you want to do the trip, have a think about what would make it enjoyable and exciting. Obviously a camp site every night is non negotiable, but are there other things you or your son would like to do or see? I don’t see why it can’t be a combined trip for all three of you.
Also, Your partner doesn’t really need a camper van , he can just have a couple of changes of clothes in panniers on his bike and stay at b&bs around Britain .

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