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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think I’ve messed things up by spending too much time with my daughter.

53 replies

DefendingPan · 06/02/2024 21:29

So this morning my daughter (3) was upset because I’d said that I had to go to work today. She asks me most mornings if I have to work, I think because I don’t have set days off.

She shouted sobbing that she didn’t want mummy and “I don’t love mummy I love daddy”.

When I got home my wife let me know that she’s apparent said repeatedly “I don’t like/love/want mummy I like/love/want daddy.”

About a year ago mum was pregnant with our second and struggled particularly in the morning so I shifted to evening work for a bit and would take our daughter out to the park/playgroup etc, and return after lunchtime and leave for work.

It was good for her to socialise and if I stayed at home she wouldn’t want me she’d only want mummy so we’d leave in the morning while mummy was having a lie in and she was happy thinking mummy was sleeping in while we were at the park or shops or whatever.

Now I’m worried that I’ve become the primary parent and it’s causing issues because I work so much. Am I being unreasonable to think I’ve caused this by spending too much time with her?

OP posts:
Maybeicanhelpyou · 06/02/2024 21:33

No it’s just the change of routine that she doesn’t like, she’s 3!!

fedupandstuck · 06/02/2024 21:34

You can't spend too much time with your own child... You've identified the problem I think in your opening sentence. You have an irregular working pattern which your DD is obviously aware of, and she doesn't know what to expect each day. Young children like routine and familiarity. If you can't change your work to a regular pattern, is there any chance you can communicate what days you are working and what days you are with your DD more clearly to her? I presume you at least know the night before if you are working that day? So, each evening you can tell her what the plan is for the next day, and that becomes part of your normal routine.

TheSnowyOwl · 06/02/2024 21:35

She’s three and responding perfectly normally to a routine situation.

CarpetSlipper · 06/02/2024 21:36

She’s 3, 3 year olds sometimes say things like this. She probably misses spending time with you in the mornings, perhaps spend some time with her after work instead now? It’s quite normal for children to go through phases of preferring one parent for one reason or another.

BricksTricks · 06/02/2024 21:39

Tell her your work plan for the week, so she can have an idea of the schedule. It's nice that you have time with her. At some point all kids prefer one or the other parent, with good parents both get a go at being favourite or rejected. She is seeking resistance, so tell her you love her and that is hurtful to hear her say she hates you.

Original poster
DefendingPan · 06/02/2024 21:39

CarpetSlipper · 06/02/2024 21:36

She’s 3, 3 year olds sometimes say things like this. She probably misses spending time with you in the mornings, perhaps spend some time with her after work instead now? It’s quite normal for children to go through phases of preferring one parent for one reason or another.

We do, when I get back she “helps” me cook tea and then I do the bedtime routine for them while mum has a tidy up.

OP posts:
TeenLifeMum · 06/02/2024 21:43

I used to have to go to work site 4 times a year and on those days dh collected from nursery. Dd says me working made her feel like I didn’t love her…. 4 days a year (I worked more but dd didn’t see that as she was actually in nursery). Kids like routine and are quite black and white.

NewmummyJ · 06/02/2024 21:43

Try a visual timetable so help her understand which days you will be there that week. They need routine so the constant change must be hard for her, she's just acting out as a result. Sittinh down and explaining to her with the visual timetable when you will be there or not will help reassure, both of you can then refer back to it each day or whenever you need to help her understand.

purplemunkey · 06/02/2024 21:50

NewmummyJ · 06/02/2024 21:43

Try a visual timetable so help her understand which days you will be there that week. They need routine so the constant change must be hard for her, she's just acting out as a result. Sittinh down and explaining to her with the visual timetable when you will be there or not will help reassure, both of you can then refer back to it each day or whenever you need to help her understand.

That’s a really nice idea. Perhaps something she can interact with and you can do together for the week ahead?

We used to have a simple table with a row each for mummy/daddy/DD. We had pictures for home/nursery/work we drew in each block, but you could have ones you could stick on with blue tack so you can move them around.

Moodicum · 06/02/2024 21:53

I can’t believe you’ve spent so much time with your child. Ruined her for life. That’s women’s work

NoCloudsAllowed · 06/02/2024 21:55

Entirely normal for a 3yo to pick a favourite parent. It'll probably switch back and forth over the years.

The worst thing would be to change your work hours for her, she's three, she shouldn't be running the household! You do what you need to do and support her to adapt and accept it.

sofasofa42 · 06/02/2024 22:04

Oh my daughter sobs for whoever isn't around. She is 6.

5128gap · 06/02/2024 22:04

Tbh, I'd say it's the opposite. She 'only loves' you because you're the treat parent with the park trips and so on. Your wife is the primary and the one who she takes for granted enough to take her feelings out on. I wouldn't be too concerned either way. As children grow, personalities and interests develop, their affections wax and wane, and the favourite at 3 might be sidelined at 7, then back again. I hope your wife isn't taking this seriously and getting upset.

Animatedapple · 06/02/2024 22:08

Make her some kind of visual timetable to let her know what to expect for the days ahead

ChaosAndCrumbs · 06/02/2024 22:10

Animatedapple · 06/02/2024 22:08

Make her some kind of visual timetable to let her know what to expect for the days ahead

I came on to post this, so definitely second this idea!

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 06/02/2024 22:15

Moodicum · 06/02/2024 21:53

I can’t believe you’ve spent so much time with your child. Ruined her for life. That’s women’s work

Exactly what I thought 😂

Ladyj84 · 06/02/2024 22:17

Aww you sound amazing like my hubby dive in helping.We have 3 toddlers a 3 yr old and twin 2s some days hubby finishes at 2 from 5am others it's 3pm till 11pm..whichever he is on he will do things before or after with them wether taking them out on the morning so I can get a bit of sleep or going to the park in the afternoons so I can get on cleaning or cooking. They now say daddy work as they know that's where he goes and they can now also speak when he calls on his break if they want. We both do things with them but some days they love daddy others it's mummy but nothing personal

DrasticAction · 06/02/2024 22:18

Is that a thing?

Spending too much time with your child... If this is what we have come too we really are up the swanning river..

mynameiscalypso · 06/02/2024 22:21

She needs structure. Small children tend to thrive on it and not knowing which days you're working or not working make it hard for her to feel like she has any control.

Ilovelurchers · 06/02/2024 22:35

My daughter was exactly like this at this age, and I spent more time with her than him. She just loved her dad so much!

Now she is 11 she would rather spend time with me! Loves us both equally (I assume). I think it's totally normal for kids to go through phases like this. Try not to make a massive deal of it.

Untethered · 06/02/2024 22:39

I remember a similar feeling of guilt with my nephew. He lived on the same road as my home (with parents) so I saw him almost daily.

He would cry and beg for me when I left the home and I felt guilty that he was so attached to me that it made him cry.

It was just a phase, he got over it quickly - but we are still very close!

Hagpie · 06/02/2024 22:40

I agree it’s a routine thing. My 4 year old was like this but now we spend a little of each day mapping out what the rest of the day will look like and checking it off the “list.” She’s now happy as a clam and we’ve had our only tantrum of 2024 today actually lmao. Before it was DAILY.

3luckystars · 06/02/2024 22:44

Get a big calendar in the kitchen and fill in your days for her in colour so she will understand.

no you are not spending too much time with her, she just doesn’t understand time.
Get a calendar, good luck.

Noglitterallowed · 07/02/2024 12:49

Totally normal! Ours always wanted the one that wasn’t around at the time

TomeTome · 07/02/2024 12:54

Utterly unremarkable. Just relax the three year old will swap allegiance many many times in the next decades.

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