To think I’ve messed things up by spending too much time with my daughter.

[DefendingPan]

So this morning my daughter (3) was upset because I’d said that I had to go to work today. She asks me most mornings if I have to work, I think because I don’t have set days off.

She shouted sobbing that she didn’t want mummy and “I don’t love mummy I love daddy”.

When I got home my wife let me know that she’s apparent said repeatedly “I don’t like/love/want mummy I like/love/want daddy.”

About a year ago mum was pregnant with our second and struggled particularly in the morning so I shifted to evening work for a bit and would take our daughter out to the park/playgroup etc, and return after lunchtime and leave for work.

It was good for her to socialise and if I stayed at home she wouldn’t want me she’d only want mummy so we’d leave in the morning while mummy was having a lie in and she was happy thinking mummy was sleeping in while we were at the park or shops or whatever.

Now I’m worried that I’ve become the primary parent and it’s causing issues because I work so much. Am I being unreasonable to think I’ve caused this by spending too much time with her?

You can tell that you are a first time parent 😅 Kids preferences changes all the time. The only constant is change.
If this is the only concern you have you are winning. Kids are fickle and say things to get their own way. My son said he hated his dad this morning and then 5 mins later he’s back in love with him. He hated him because he wouldn’t let him use the iPad as we needed to get him to school.

.

Thanks so much everyone for your responses.

We are going to have a look at what we can do with a picture/colour based calendar for her, in the mean time I’m telling her if I’m at work or not the day before so she has some forewarning.

3 year olds are not famous for being logical!
It is lovely that you have this daddy-daughter bond.
Are your wife's work hours similar to yours? She should also do 1-1 time with her (without her sibling) when she is not working, just so she can see that of course both parents want to spend time with her.

Totally normal.

We still have a giggle at my DS1’s antics aged 3… on the days I had to work early my husband would get him up for nursery, DS would dramatically holler ‘you’re the wrong peeeeerson’, clutching his bedding… and my husband would carry him downstairs shedding sheet, duvet, pillow along the way.

10 years on they are absolutely thick as thieves and have a fab relationship.

It’s the threenager stage. Big emotions, working out the world etc etc. Be kind, be gentle… nothing more.

She's 3 and she knows exactly which buttons to press. She'll be fine. The calendar is a great idea.

It's a non-issue, she just needs structure and to know what to expect in advance.

Visual timetable set out at the weekend of what she's doing or who she will be with when. Cut out photos of your face/ mum/ grandparents / nursery or any other important people and places and hot glue gun a magnet or some velcro to the back to attach to the timetable.

Her response is normal.

She might be old enough to read a simple calendar with mummy days and daddy days marked on it to the extent that you're able to predict days you'll be working.

Have conversations with her when you're together and let her know what the plan for the day is going to be.

You know the answer to this so was this post really more about showing off to a women's forum about how much of a caring father you are?

There have been plenty of posts from mums worrying that they are/are not the favourite.

Mine had intense preferences for each of us as parents at different times. I’ve been on top for the last few years but dd has swung hard towards dad again as a teenager, while ds counts him as public enemy no.1

At least there’s no crying and wailing now. As a baby, ds cried so hard when dh went to the loo in a restaurant that the manager thought we needed first aid.

The challenge is to still be a brilliant, loving connected parent even when you’re not the flavour of the month.

Ah, teenage daddies girl! I’m pretty sure my 16yo prefers me to her mum 🤣

My almost three year old spends a considerable part of her day telling me she doesn't like me - usually in conjunction with when she has to do something she doesn't want to like eat dinner or have a bath. I always answer by saying ' that's okay because I love you lots and lots'. For some reason this always enrages her further.

I agree with a visual timetable. You could put a version in her room and talk about it before she goes to sleep, and it a reminder when she wakes up.

She obviously likes routine. Most kids do like routine, but some are a bit more resilient to change than others.

You cook tea and get the kids in bed every night?

She is not currently working. She is considering getting something part time.

Unless I’m working late, which isn’t very often anymore

Does she actually do anything? Lie around in bed?
You sound like a great dad. Your daughter is lucky.

It's very normal, and not indicative that you have a better bond or anything, don't worry. You've spent a very normal amount of time with her thus far, I wouldn't say either of you seem to be the 'primary parent' which is well balanced.

All 3 or ours have been through phases where one or other of us has been the favourite.

Lie around in bed? When looking after a baby and a toddler? What a poor idea of non working parents you have.

It's just a change in her routine that she needs to get used to. Don't make a big deal of it and don't feel like you have to placate her - it will only encourage her to play one parent off against the other. Just give a breezy 'Daddy has to go to work now but I'll be home later and we can make dinner together and have stories before bed' and mum can distract her during the day if she says she wants daddy. She'll soon get used to the new routine.

I like cooking and I’d rather do bedtime than tidy up downstairs and she’d rather tidy up downstairs than do bedtime so it works for us

She's hardly looking after them though is she - sounds like dad is doing all the heavy lifting, cooking every night, trips out on top of a job!

Who is doing that while he's at work?

Nope, this is just a three-year-old having a strop. Don't worry about it. It's normal.