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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Hairclips are for girls"

54 replies

Twinboyz · 06/02/2024 19:29

One of my 3.5yr old boys recently asked for a hairclip of his own. (He's seen me using them). He has a "boyish" haircut - not particularly long but curly. His hair has a high crown so some of the longer hair at the back blows onto his face occasionally when its windy. So he really wanted a hairclip.
We ordered them together on ebay (he wanted rainbow colour). And he was SO excited when they arrived! He said he couldnt wait to get to nursery and "show everyone in the playground my new hair clip!"
Fast forward a few days and he came deflated and fussy and started shouting "Hairclips are for girls!!" I asked who said that? Another kid at nursery?
DS says 'no it was one of the adults!' I asked which one, ran through their names, but he said no, he didnt know their name. Maybe it was a new member of staff. He said it wasnt a mummy or daddy but 'definitely a nursery lady'. I guess I'm quite surprised!
Anyway, we told 'hairclips are for everyone' his dad went to work wearing a rainbow hairclip, and me, and his brother we all put one in.
So he's happily wearing his special hairclip again this week.
Would it be unreasonable for me to mention this to the nursery? I'd actually hate to get anyone in trouble for a throwaway comment, but I was just a bit surprised. What do others think?

YABU - Hairclips are usually for girls / it was a harmless comment.
YANBU - Its a bit harsh and you should mention it to the nursery manager.

OP posts:
Minglingpringle · 06/02/2024 19:33

I think the nursery staff could do with a bit of training on how to avoid telling people they can only do certain things if they are certain genders. Then their charges can feel free and empowered as they grow up.

StarlightLime · 06/02/2024 19:33

He said it was"definitely a nursery lady" but didn't know who they were? 🤔
How likely is that?

LegoDeathTrap · 06/02/2024 19:37

StarlightLime · 06/02/2024 19:33

He said it was"definitely a nursery lady" but didn't know who they were? 🤔
How likely is that?

Very likely. He’s only little and some people are bad with names.

DS1 is 7 and still doesn’t know half the kids in his year. DD2 on the other hand has been in the school for a few months and already knows everyone including kids in DS’s year.

BobbyBiscuits · 06/02/2024 19:38

If he did not identify the staff member when you listed their names I would take it that it may not have been staff. It sounds so much more like a thing a small child might say, rather than an adult. He's happy to keep wearing it, so I would say just let him wear any hair things he likes within (safety) reason and only worry if he mentions it again. You reinforce that boys and girls can both wear what they like which is good. Hopefully if someone does say that he will say 'no they're not', and they will stop doing it.

Mermaidsarereal · 06/02/2024 19:38

I'd mention it, if it makes your son happy to wear the hair clip I really can't see an issue! Not surprised that it's an adult who mentioned it as children (especially these days) are much less judgmental about these kinds of things.

cariadlet · 06/02/2024 19:42

I'd mention it. (in a fairly low key, non-confrontational way).

Children do pick up gender stereotypes at a very early age but I would expect nursery staff to be actively promoting 'anybody can be/do/wear anything' and not to be re-enforcing regressive stereotypes.

Georgeandzippyzoo · 06/02/2024 20:02

StarlightLime · 06/02/2024 19:33

He said it was"definitely a nursery lady" but didn't know who they were? 🤔
How likely is that?

I've got a 14yr old who struggles with staff names, and as an ex early years teacher, I've been called allsorts!

I d definitely speak with nursery leader/teacher. I'd say DS said a staff member had said this. I was surprised that an adult would say that as I'm sure it's not the ethos of the school .

Mazuslongtoenail · 06/02/2024 20:05

I can see how it would appear like a really minor thing but I totally understand why it’s horrible to have that sort of excitement crushed, and by prejudices too. 😕

My DS loves a hair clip and happy to say all the nursery staff tell him how nice it is.

sprigatito · 06/02/2024 20:06

It may have been a (thick) parent volunteer. I would definitely have a word with the nursery staff about it.

CaptainMyCaptain · 06/02/2024 20:18

I agree you should mention it to the teacher so she can have a word with whoever said it.

PaperDoIIs · 06/02/2024 20:41

Do mention it nicely to the teacher. The trouble is since you don't know who it was, they can't approach that person in particular but they could have a general chat.

The thing is, nursery/school staff ,volunteers etc. are not immune to their own prejudices and misconceptions. So while it might not be malicious (they think they're doing the right thing) , it doesn't mean it's ok .

DD was told she couldn't do cartwheels or play on the play equipment unless she wore shorts underneath. She was 6. I mentioned it to the teacher and "misunderstanding" solved.

Likemyjealouseel · 06/02/2024 20:48

My little boy also went through a hairclip stage, it suited him.
I think the problem is with a nursery worker telling the children that any one thing is for boys or for girls. What is she telling them about cars and dolls? What toys are which kids being encouraged to play with?

Original poster
Twinboyz · 06/02/2024 21:23

Thank you so much everyone for your insights and experiences! Thats been so helpful. I hadnt thought of parent volunteers thats a good point. New staff also change rooms quite frequently in the 3-5 groups. I will mention it casually when I chat with his key worker or nursery manager this week.
Hopefully it was a misunderstanding, or a lighthearted comment. But I agree with your thoughts, it is worth mentioning, just to be fair to the kids.
Thank you again!

OP posts:
TheSnowyOwl · 06/02/2024 21:25

One of the world’s best ever Italian goalkeepers was well known for his love of hair clips.

Original poster
Twinboyz · 06/02/2024 21:28

Thats such a good point! 😻

OP posts:
JaninaDuszejko · 07/02/2024 14:09

I have 2DDs then a DS. When DS was little he loved wearing hairclips so he'd be like his big sisters. Our nursery was great and always told him how nice they were. They also were very encouraging of DD1 and her friends who loved football (and they still all play together in a team as teenagers), nursery staff have a massive influence and should not be pushing gender stereotypes, however harmless they think the comment is.

aitchteeaitch · 07/02/2024 14:21

Hair clips are for anyone with long hair. Just the same as a football shirt is for anyone who likes football.

Some people are so stupid, aren't they?

Original poster
Twinboyz · 07/02/2024 17:44

Thats so lovely!

OP posts:
Original poster
Twinboyz · 07/02/2024 17:45

Haha yes youre so right, I cant imagine being told as a girl not to wear a football shirt. Even back in the 90's!

OP posts:
eggbot · 07/02/2024 17:50

It's a hair clip it doesn't have anything to do with genitals

IWishIUnderstood · 07/02/2024 17:55

Given he went to nursery wearing a rainbow hairclip and couldn't wait to show everyone in the playground, I'm surprised you didn't forewarn him that he may get one or two comments like that from the children.

I know this was an adult commenting (which is unacceptable if they're staff), but the chances of other kids saying the same are high enough imo, for you to equip him with some sort of comeback.

Let's not pretend that just because some footballers are now wearing them, they haven't traditionally been worn by girls and women only in the past.

Newrumpus · 07/02/2024 17:59

sprigatito · 06/02/2024 20:06

It may have been a (thick) parent volunteer. I would definitely have a word with the nursery staff about it.

Wow!

notthatthis · 07/02/2024 17:59

Hair clips are usually for girls. You were wrong to not warn your son that he might get that comment from other people.
Try a frilly dress tomorrow.

Thementalloadisreal · 07/02/2024 18:01

Hairclips are for hair.

I’d be having words with the nursery.

saveforthat · 07/02/2024 18:03

Did DH really go to work with a hairclip in or take it out when he was out of sight?

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