"Hairclips are for girls"

[Twinboyz]

One of my 3.5yr old boys recently asked for a hairclip of his own. (He's seen me using them). He has a "boyish" haircut - not particularly long but curly. His hair has a high crown so some of the longer hair at the back blows onto his face occasionally when its windy. So he really wanted a hairclip.
We ordered them together on ebay (he wanted rainbow colour). And he was SO excited when they arrived! He said he couldnt wait to get to nursery and "show everyone in the playground my new hair clip!"
Fast forward a few days and he came deflated and fussy and started shouting "Hairclips are for girls!!" I asked who said that? Another kid at nursery?
DS says 'no it was one of the adults!' I asked which one, ran through their names, but he said no, he didnt know their name. Maybe it was a new member of staff. He said it wasnt a mummy or daddy but 'definitely a nursery lady'. I guess I'm quite surprised!
Anyway, we told 'hairclips are for everyone' his dad went to work wearing a rainbow hairclip, and me, and his brother we all put one in.
So he's happily wearing his special hairclip again this week.
Would it be unreasonable for me to mention this to the nursery? I'd actually hate to get anyone in trouble for a throwaway comment, but I was just a bit surprised. What do others think?

YABU - Hairclips are usually for girls / it was a harmless comment.
YANBU - Its a bit harsh and you should mention it to the nursery manager.

I agree with some other posters that you should have gently warned him he might get a funny reaction. While of course boys should be able to wear hair clips without comment, that's not the society we currently live in, so it's a bit disingenuous not to prepare him for that. Sending his dad and big brother off wearing hair clips seems a bit mad too, unless that's something they'd normally do anyway.

My son at this age was into sparkly things, nail paint and wearing tights and he did, quite happily, but knowing that is was more common to see girls wearing these things and some people might laugh, but he should ignore them if he was happy and comfortable. I think it's a balance of encouraging self-expression while also being honest about the world we live in, and giving him the right tools to deal with that.

FFS.

Anyway, we told 'hairclips are for everyone' his dad went to work wearing a rainbow hairclip, and me, and his brother we all put one in.

And I think this ^^ was unnecessarily ridiculous.

That's not how you teach resilience.

What are you going to do if he comes home upset that someone doesn't like his shoes? Teach him not to worry about others opinions, or kit the whole family out in the same footwear?

For those saying OP should have warned her son, she could have warned him that another CHILD might comment, but I don’t think you’d anticipate an adult making that comment!
If anything the adults should be correcting those kinds of comments.
I wonder about this adult, do they stop the boys playing with dolls at nursery too?

I'd mention it to staff as the person who said it needs educating.

What happens if he wears a pink top or chooses a pink toy and she says it again.

I don't think anyone would disagree with this or said otherwise.

But the OP should've prepared him for comments.

She knows they're traditionally worn by girls and women, the little boy did not.

As someone who was raised by a mum who didn’t want to enforce gender norms I can tell you that you are setting your sun up for a lot of unnecessary issues with other children. Rightly or wrongly the reality is that boys and girls do put each other in these boxes at school. I would recommend finding something more traditionally boyish/neutral that he could get instead. Like a special cap or cool shades.

I think the staff member was out of order. She should not have said anything to hurt his feelings or to embarrass him. However, I would not have sent my son to nursery wearing a rainbow hair clip as I would have considered the risk of someone hurting his feelings quite high.

Hair clips are more commonly worn by girls though. Just because a few footballers have worn them doesn't change that. My son wanted to wear a hair clip when he was little (he also had a tiara phase) and I saw no issues with it. I don't see the harm in mentioning it to nursery.

It's a bit of plastic... Jeezo we should be past this by now.

This is what I want to know

I mean I have yo be honest. I would stear my son away from a hair clip but I think you need to tell you son that some people think that traditionally girls wear them rather than confront adults.

Very likely, obviously.

DS is 8 and recently started wearing a half-pony to school. 2 comments, one from a year 6 (should know better!) and one from a bully so he DGAF actually. I just tell him, look at all the footballers etc with long hair, and what’s wrong with being a girl anyway?? Your mother’s a girl. It’s not an insult.

Nursery worker is unreasonable and being sexist which shouldn’t really be in an educator’s remit, should it.

The fact is, hairclips are mainly worn by girls. So you should have at least warned him that someone might make a remark, otherwise you're simply teaching him that he ought to feel affronted and victimised whenever anyone makes a comment like this. Much better to teach him resilience: "you can wear this hairclip, but bear in mind that they're usually worn by girls. It's possible someone might comment. If you're not happy with that, we'll find another solution".

Sending the whole family off wearing the same hairclips is teaching him nothing except "they're all wrong and we're right!" like it's his job to prove a point.

DS2 used to have an infuriating habit of pulling off his shoes and socks when he was in the buggy or his car seat, leaving his feet completely bare. It was a freezing winter so I started putting him in tights under his trousers. The first time I collected him from the childminder when wearing tights, she greeted me with “I see he’s got tights on, ha ha, I take it you wanted him to be a girl!” I think it was supposed to be a joke but I was actually speechless.

You are doing great - we need to teach our kids that anyone can wear anything, and like whatever colour they please, no matter if they are a girl or a boy. And actually, I think kids themselves are pretty accepting of this already.

The rather terrifying alternative is that they grow up thinking there is only one way to be a boy, where hair clips are forbidden, so if they like them, they must be a girl, and have to try to fit themselves into the “pink” stereotype - with hormones and surgery, and a lifetime of trying to fix something that was never broken in the first place, and lying to everyone around them.

You haven't met my mother (lucky you!!).

Oh ffs I am sure you are aware that this subject has, and will continue to divide people.
Everyone has the right to an opinion that is not offensive.
Teaching him that it is perfectly usual for boys to wear rainbow hair clips is a lie, it is not usual. Not wrong, but unusual.

When my DS ( who is 24 now), was 3, he insisted on wearing my long, dangly costume Diamanté clip-on earrings to school.

No reason not to have a quiet word, if you find out exactly who it was.

People don't have a right to express sexist opinions reinforcing gender stereotypes, particularly not to small children in an early years education setting.

You have the right to an opinion. You don't have the right to state that opinion as fact. You don't have the right to express that opinion whenever and however you like. Well, you can do it, but don't act all surprised when there is backlash.

Maybe if we stopped the "x is only for boy/girls" expressing of opinions, we wouldn't have so many kids being transed, especially at a young age. Unless it needs genitals to operate, it's for either boys and girls.if it does need genitals to operate, then probably it's not kids anyways.

Agreed. 100%

The children wouldn’t think it was weird if the adults in their lives didn’t tell them it was. That’s why it matters so much what the staff at nursery say.

Yes.

Hairclips were traditionally marketed to girls, but I think anyone with hair can wear a hairclip, the clue is in the name!