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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Hairclips are for girls"

54 replies

Twinboyz · 06/02/2024 19:29

One of my 3.5yr old boys recently asked for a hairclip of his own. (He's seen me using them). He has a "boyish" haircut - not particularly long but curly. His hair has a high crown so some of the longer hair at the back blows onto his face occasionally when its windy. So he really wanted a hairclip.
We ordered them together on ebay (he wanted rainbow colour). And he was SO excited when they arrived! He said he couldnt wait to get to nursery and "show everyone in the playground my new hair clip!"
Fast forward a few days and he came deflated and fussy and started shouting "Hairclips are for girls!!" I asked who said that? Another kid at nursery?
DS says 'no it was one of the adults!' I asked which one, ran through their names, but he said no, he didnt know their name. Maybe it was a new member of staff. He said it wasnt a mummy or daddy but 'definitely a nursery lady'. I guess I'm quite surprised!
Anyway, we told 'hairclips are for everyone' his dad went to work wearing a rainbow hairclip, and me, and his brother we all put one in.
So he's happily wearing his special hairclip again this week.
Would it be unreasonable for me to mention this to the nursery? I'd actually hate to get anyone in trouble for a throwaway comment, but I was just a bit surprised. What do others think?

YABU - Hairclips are usually for girls / it was a harmless comment.
YANBU - Its a bit harsh and you should mention it to the nursery manager.

OP posts:
myoldmansadustman9 · 09/02/2024 14:28

You are doing great - we need to teach our kids that anyone can wear anything

This kind of thing sounds lovely. But I think if you actually look at the mind of a child, it is not a child's greatest need. Children enjoy learning how the world works and how they fit into it. People love to say that children are naturally very open minded and it's adults who teach them to compartmentalise the world around them, but this simply isn't true. Children are really quite black and white, and it's the parents' job to teach them nuance, but also to affirm their basic understanding of the world, not make them feel guilty for learning that there are differences between things like the clothing that boys and girls wear.

CaptainMyCaptain · 09/02/2024 15:44

myoldmansadustman9 · 09/02/2024 14:28

You are doing great - we need to teach our kids that anyone can wear anything

This kind of thing sounds lovely. But I think if you actually look at the mind of a child, it is not a child's greatest need. Children enjoy learning how the world works and how they fit into it. People love to say that children are naturally very open minded and it's adults who teach them to compartmentalise the world around them, but this simply isn't true. Children are really quite black and white, and it's the parents' job to teach them nuance, but also to affirm their basic understanding of the world, not make them feel guilty for learning that there are differences between things like the clothing that boys and girls wear.

So you think reinforcing gender stereotypes is a good thing? This makes me very sad as all my work with young children since the early y 80s has been informed by trying to break these stereotypes down. Unfortunately it seems to be getting worse.

Recently I met a chatty 5 year old with longish hair with hair clips and a pink Sheffield Wednesday football shirt. It wasn't immediately obvious whether he was a girl or boy but that didn't matter to me and his family were all perfectly happy with it. He was a lovely, confident, happy child and that is what is important.

Minglingpringle · 10/02/2024 23:54

myoldmansadustman9 · 09/02/2024 14:28

You are doing great - we need to teach our kids that anyone can wear anything

This kind of thing sounds lovely. But I think if you actually look at the mind of a child, it is not a child's greatest need. Children enjoy learning how the world works and how they fit into it. People love to say that children are naturally very open minded and it's adults who teach them to compartmentalise the world around them, but this simply isn't true. Children are really quite black and white, and it's the parents' job to teach them nuance, but also to affirm their basic understanding of the world, not make them feel guilty for learning that there are differences between things like the clothing that boys and girls wear.

An individual child may not care in the slightest if you teach them rigid categories that people need to fit into but society as a whole will be the poorer for it and they themselves will suffer from it over time. Children, including the original child, will grow up finding their lives limited by the closed-minded attitudes of those around them.

There’s no need to deny that other attitudes exist - if they ask directly you can say “yes, some people do think that” or “yes, that’s quite a common opinion” - but there’s no need to bring it up if nobody’s asking about it. Just live and let live.

Society changes over time and if there are attitudes we want to change, this is how to do it.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/02/2024 00:00

cariadlet · 06/02/2024 19:42

I'd mention it. (in a fairly low key, non-confrontational way).

Children do pick up gender stereotypes at a very early age but I would expect nursery staff to be actively promoting 'anybody can be/do/wear anything' and not to be re-enforcing regressive stereotypes.

I agree

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