My boyfriend ‘dismissed’ everything I said

[leelee30]

I have a tendency to be anxious and overthink, but I’m genuinely hurt at this.

I’ve been worrying my boyfriend is going off me but he says everytime that he isn’t, and he promises to tell me if he is.

I came to him last night upset because I took some pictures of him when we went out for dinner together and he looked really unhappy. Nothing like other times before. He was also really distracted during the dinner, looking at the football screens etc.

I told him I felt he was going off me, that he’s checked out.

He got annoyed at me, saying that he dismisses everything I said because it’s accusatory. He said he’s already told me he’s not going off me, end of. He says I’m being really immature.
i just feel like I can’t tell him anything at the moment because he says it’s accusing him and telling him how he feels. But I also feel like I have a point and I should be able to tell him these things?

im very upset

Hi op, I think there's a few things from what you've written.

Firstly I'd be pissed off if I was on a date out for dinner and my other half was on his phone a lot watching football etc. For me that's about spending quality time together and I personally find phones at the table rude because they stop you conversing with the other person. So if that's a boundary for you, it's something you need to bring up with him in that way.

Secondly, he has told you that he's not going off you, that he likes you and he has no intention of ending things. So either you need to accept that and move on with him, or you don't and you end it and move on without him. Either way I think it sounds like you're doubting yourself, him, your interactions etc a lot and counselling might help you to sift through what is actually really happening (eg he's really on his phone) and what you're only perceiving is happening that might not be true at all (he's on the phone to ignore or avoid you). It will help you build your confidence and self esteem and resilience because a night where he's exhausted and on his phone a lot shouldn't as a one off make you doubt the relationship that quickly unless there's a pattern of behaviours.

I think you need to think about what type of relationship you want, and what behaviours you want to see in a partner that will help you feel loved and secure. (Maybe look into love languages). Then you can see if your partner is doing the things that you need from him, or if he's not in which case rather than going to him and accusing him of feeling or thinking xyz, you can go to him and say that you've been thinking about the relationship and these are things you need from him to help you feel secure in the relationship and how he feels about you. Ask if these are things he can do/ is willing to do. If he is then great, if he's not then you move on and have a clearer picture of what you actually need and deserve from a partner. It might be a more constructive conversation than the one you're currently having while still addressing the same issues and gives him clear understanding of where you're coming from and what he can practically do to show that he cares.

Christonskiis I know on mumsnet its always the man's fault but seriously. Stop projecting your own issues.

Firstly I'd be pissed off if I was on a date out for dinner and my other half was on his phone a lot watching football etc.

But it's ok for her to be on her phone taking photos of him?

I would go off anyone who constantly asked me if I was going off them.

I’m sorry but a lot of emotional abuse is not based around denying someone’s feelings that simply isn’t true. There are many ways you can be emotionally abused and that’s only one of them. Being dismissive of someone’s thoughts and feelings when they have common sense, logic and reasoning behind them can be emotional abuse that’s correct. Especially if someone is being patronised or made to feel wrong for having logical thought processes but there’s nothing to suggest thats the case here. Her boyfriend has given reassurances “every time” by her own admission which shows he’s not dismissive, he’s just trying to put a boundary in place by not allowing her to constantly keep asking when she’s been given an answer and emotionally draining him. He has clearly assured her on multiple occasions based on her “every time” comment and promised her he will tell her if it changes. All he said is that she is being immature which she is and this has been repeated on this thread by others on many occasions. The behaviour OP is exhibiting here is emotional abuse. Questioning him and not accepting the answer multiple times, taking photos of him trying to eat a meal or watch the football and then not only privately scrutinising those photos but to show him them and force him to explain himself because she thought those photos made him look like he didn’t want to be with her anymore for having perfectly human emotions. That is unhinged behaviour of the highest order. Interrogation, not allowing people to relax and do normal day to day tasks without starting an argument, accusing people of lying when they are not satisfied with an answer which when given is perfectly reasonable and making people feel that they are walking on eggshells are all emotional abuse. These are all critera that are now included in the new coercive control laws. I’m assuming you didn’t do the freedom programme yourself because this will teach you all of this information and you really should educate yourself in order to protect yourself. I’m saying this genuinely because it appears that you don’t seem to have a very good grasp of the signs of emotional abuse or using the term gaslighting in the correct context. Nothing the OP says correlates to the idea that her boyfriend is dismissing her, quite the opposite in fact. So no, people on here are not gaslighting the OP. The OP is gaslighting her boyfriend and hasn’t even bothered to come back now she’s realised MN won’t flock to her defence. She doesn’t want advice, or to be told she’s wrong. She wanted an online pile on to show her boyfriend as more “evidence” against him I expect and now she hasn’t got it, we won’t see her again. With respect, I think you’re allowing your past experiences to cloud good judgement. Either that or you’re wilfully misinterpreting the OPs post because everyone else on this thread can see this as wrong on the OPs part, it’s only you that can’t and it speaks volumes.

I'm sorry OP but just imagine having someone who you like(d) constantly saying "don't you like me?' "have you gone off me" etc every time you turn your head away from them, or want to look at a sport/video you like, or are tired? It would be intensely annoying and frankly offputting.
It's way too needy. Sorry. I think maybe it might be a good idea to think if you might want counselling to get over/help your anxiety?