My boyfriend ‘dismissed’ everything I said

[leelee30]

I have a tendency to be anxious and overthink, but I’m genuinely hurt at this.

I’ve been worrying my boyfriend is going off me but he says everytime that he isn’t, and he promises to tell me if he is.

I came to him last night upset because I took some pictures of him when we went out for dinner together and he looked really unhappy. Nothing like other times before. He was also really distracted during the dinner, looking at the football screens etc.

I told him I felt he was going off me, that he’s checked out.

He got annoyed at me, saying that he dismisses everything I said because it’s accusatory. He said he’s already told me he’s not going off me, end of. He says I’m being really immature.
i just feel like I can’t tell him anything at the moment because he says it’s accusing him and telling him how he feels. But I also feel like I have a point and I should be able to tell him these things?

im very upset

You are being really obsessive about this. It’s not normal or healthy to ask for reassurance all the time and to be analysing everything your boyfriend does. He’s dismissing you because you’re being irrational. Your relentless anxiety over nothing means he’s having to walk on eggshells. How would you feel if you couldn’t even be a bit quiet without being accused of going off someone and being expected to justify your every move? It’s mad.

I dated someone like you and I'm afraid I ended it because of this type of behaviour. There's nothing worse than having to constantly reassure someone that you like them and that you're happy. Gave me the ick quickly

If the relationship isn't what you want anymore, why do you keep badgering him? End it yourself.

If he was anti-sweating the City game I would have been upset too

If I was really into someone, but they kept asking I was going off of them, after being reassured... Yeh that would definitely make me then go off them. You will push him away if you carry on.

You are creating a self fulfilling prophecy. Anxiety is tough to deal with but the more you ask, the more you will give him credence to the idea that it is acceptable to go off you (dont think of a elephant scenario). When he does reach that point, your head will go "i knew it, i was right to be anxious" and the cycle will go on because you trust yourself because you were right before. Except youre not right. You need to trust your partner ultimately and that can be scary but even those who have reason to distrust others still have to learn trust new key people. That's how relationships thrive. The moment trust is gone, then the relationship will not be the same.

The more my dh (anxiety sufferer) asks if I'm OK (direct correlation between whether he is OK and nothing to do with whether I'm OK) the more likely I am to reach break point and NOT be ok. That's when I snap. I am happy to talk in other ways about what he is worried about but being asked the same question when I know the answer will be ignored - it does my head in. Why does he ask when he doesn't pay attention to the answer and then repeat the question 2 minutes later.

I know there isn't a fix for anxiety but there are ways to help reprogramme and help you deal with insecurities so they don't affect your relationships with people.
Good luck. Talk to him about how to help you with those insecurities rather than continually accusing him of something he's not done yet.

If my DH was taking pictures of me while I was trying to have my dinner I don't think I'd look particularly happy either!

If you haven't already, you should work on improving your insecurities before it pushes him away. He's told you he's not, so give him a chance.

If there's something making him unhappy this is not the way to open up a conversation about it with him. It will just be irritating and invasive and make him defensive.
Instead of saying 'are you going off me?Constahtntly, centre him and show sympathy.. say 'is there something troubling you because I can see you seem a little distant? Has something happened at work? I hope you know I'm there for you if you need to talk'

[Edit: I thought I was replying to a different thread]

You're not in the right frame of mind for a relationship at the moment.

Take some time to yourself to work on your self confidence, self reliance and resilience before embarking on your next relationship.

The current relationship is not healthy for either of you.

You will push him away with this.

You do sound very immature, and very hard work. The poor bloke has a look at a football match on the tv when you're out and then you're whining about him perhaps not being interested in you. You don't understand when he's tired after being at work all day. You keep hounding him all the time, wanting to know if he's interested in you. You'll drive him away. Either split up with him and get some help for your lack of self-esteem, or keep pushing him until he dumps you.

Are you the regular poster who freaks out if a girl ever likes his IG, if he is 5 minutes late, if he ever mentions an Ex ...?

You need to relax. Give him some space and stop stifling him

Did you take photos of him just to use as ammunition later to show him how unhappy and tired he looked (after having worked all day)?

Maybe he was unhappy about having his picture taken while he was trying to enjoy his dinner. This behavior is going to push him away.

I feel like you've posted this many times before, this constant neediness and smothering. There was a thread in Relationships where the poster got some good advice.

@leelee30 ?

Maybe you're right and he's going off you. If that's the case, then constantly asking him for reassurance is not going to make him change his mind. It's only going to push him away more quickly.

You need to step back. Stop trying to control the situation. If he wants to leave, he can leave.

It's fine to let your partner know how you feel, but if you keep pushing him, it's not going to do anything but damage the trust between you. And if you feel that you don't trust him, or that he really doesn't like you, or that he is being cold and distant, then you should end it yourself and look to date someone who you feel more sure about.

You are clearly very insecure. If you keep asking him these questions it's going to make him go off you. Please seek some professional help in the form of counselling. You are not the first person to have these feelings, support is available. It's not your fault, it's not his fault either, but please get yourself some help before you ruin this relationship for both of you.

Are you 23 and did you cheat on your ex to be with this guy?

Because it sounds exactly like what my ex used to say to me. Deep down I knew he had checked out and those were the exact words he said to me.

I would get shot of him while you can because he is an abusive arsehole.

If it's not my ex, I would also get shot of him because you clearly feel like there is something amiss and it is the most awful experience to endure. Always trust your gut.

Very gently OP, I dont think you are understanding how draining it can be to be around someone who is anxious. It is common for very anxious people to seek reassurance. But every time you do that, you are asking that person to expend time, effort and energy to manage your feelings. The only person responsible for that is you. Plus, if someone repeatedly asks the same questions, anyone would get pissed off and snappy. I would suggest therapy to manage your anxiety would be helpful.

Not sure how the bloody hell you can victim blame a man who’s being held to emotional ransom by the OP and make it his fault when it’s clearly the reverse from what’s been said by the OP. Many others have said the same on here also. How about you stop projecting your emotional baggage and actually deal with it properly like an adult, instead of being bitter and making wild accusations about strangers that you don’t know? Are you still 23? Because you bloody sound it.

It was just very similar to what I had experienced in the past.

I am working on my baggage thank you. Rape Crisis are providing me with counselling following the emotionally, psychologically, sexually and financially abusive relationship I was in.

Always trust your gut

Sometimes your "gut" is in fact your mental illness and is wronger than anything. When you are taking multiple pictures of your partner's face while he sits at dinner and scrutinising them in detail afterwards, then haranguing him about how he doesn't look "happy enough", we are getting well into mental illness territory.