My boyfriend ‘dismissed’ everything I said

[leelee30]

I have a tendency to be anxious and overthink, but I’m genuinely hurt at this.

I’ve been worrying my boyfriend is going off me but he says everytime that he isn’t, and he promises to tell me if he is.

I came to him last night upset because I took some pictures of him when we went out for dinner together and he looked really unhappy. Nothing like other times before. He was also really distracted during the dinner, looking at the football screens etc.

I told him I felt he was going off me, that he’s checked out.

He got annoyed at me, saying that he dismisses everything I said because it’s accusatory. He said he’s already told me he’s not going off me, end of. He says I’m being really immature.
i just feel like I can’t tell him anything at the moment because he says it’s accusing him and telling him how he feels. But I also feel like I have a point and I should be able to tell him these things?

im very upset

As others have said this extreme insecurity will drive him away, I've finished relationships in the past for this exact reason and if he was my friend I'd advise him to do the same. It's so infuriating to have someone constantly seek reassurance when you've done nothing apart from feel a bit tired.

I still stand by my original point that you’ve projected your own situation and made it sound like he is definitely guilty when in fact he’s actually being seriously emotionally mistreated and there’s no evidence otherwise. My point is that victim-blaming posts like yours can be very damaging by re-affirming to the OP the idea that her boyfriend is in the wrong and her behaviour is in fact valid when it isn’t. The OP has been emotionally abusing her boyfriend and has managed to convince herself and tried to portray to the rest of us that she is in fact the victim. This behaviour is sadly extremely common amongst young women towards their partners. In fact, controlling behaviour and unhealthy boundaries by women towards men litter social media and is often touted as a joke and used in memes and reels and shared repeatedly over again. People would definitely take a harsher view on the OPs post if this was a man doing it to a woman and not the other way around. I’m assuming the OP is female as people have stated many times before, most of the people using MN are female and usually male OPs identify themselves first before posting. Judging by what you’ve said you should be more than aware that in the majority of cases of domestic abuse cases, control and emotional abuse and degrading of self-confidence nearly always comes first and that opens avenues for physical abuse to be perpetrated. People on here are acutely aware that there are men that abuse women but not many men will talk about being abused as there is still a lot of stigma around men being abused by women. It’s important for victims of abuse of both sexes to stand up and be heard.

self fulfilling prophecy

Not mad....Why are you mad, why are you mad (repeat infinitum).. definitely mad.

Keep harping on about this and even if he hasn't gone off you now, he will do soon. Nothing more off-putting than someone self deprecating constantly.

You don’t sound emotionally mature to be in a relationship, you need to work on own emotional maturity and neediness before being in a committed relationship.

If my partner behaved in the manner you are, I’d personally end the relationship unfortunately.

I am similar to you OP; have no self confidence and worry about everything. (I’m not at the stage of checking pics nor did I seek reassurance; merely I would keep it to myself then end a relationship without warning)

Because of that I am single by choice, because not only is it exhausting for them, but also for me, quite frankly.

You need to either decide whether you can be emotionally mature in this relationship or end it. Frankly he’s going to be telling his family and friends about your behaviour and you’re definitely coming across as the bad guy.

Why on earth were you talking photos of him during a meal out?

And what everyone else had said. If he can't be tired or distracted without you interrogating him and making it about you, you're going to get what you dread.

You sound hard work and eventually I imagine it’ll push him away.

Carry on as you are and its a self fulfilling prophecy. He will leave and you will have driven him away

you need to seek help

That’s a bit clingy and needy to be honest, it’s no way to approach a relationship to have to ask for this sort of reassurance repeatedly. And why were you taking his photo?

You think she’s dating your ex?

Poor bloke

I fully appreciate what you're saying but a lot of emotional abuse is denying your feelings. My interpretation of the post is that the partner is doing just that and not even willing to hear her concerns.

Forgive me if I am wrong, but there's no indication op has been asking incessantly either.

OP is getting a lot of heat here and I hope she's not being gaslit by everyone.

Are you 12 and did your mammy drop you off for your date at Mcdonalds. FFS grow up and leave the guy alone. You sound like a needy toddler.

Your post was quite unusual . There was a lot of projection, I mean you’re even thinking she’s dating your ex. Even though her name indicates she’s 30. And there are about 10 million folks on here.

It just felt very close to home. A conversation that I had, and some phrases that were used towards me.

I was totally justified in having that conversation btw, and I had absolutely no idea what I was involved in until much later.

I use 86 in a lot of my usernames, I'm not 86 nor was I born in 86.

She said he says he's not going off of her "everytime" she asks. That would indicate that she has a pattern of asking, more that just once or twice. Anyone would get tired of that.

I used to think and behave like this a long time back. Deep down I knew it was me and not him that had the issue. I went to my GP and was put on anti-depressants as paranoia/anxiety was a side effect of the depression i was suffering.

The medication worked and, once out the other side, it's so clear to me that I was unwell. I haven't had those kind of thoughts since but at the time they were all consuming.

Don't let your behaviour ruin your relationship, I would seek professional help if you haven't already.

I'm sorry to say that you're going the right way of putting him off

You need to find some way to deal with your crippling insecurities. That, or put yourself out of your misery and finish with him. And then work on your insecurities.

Truthfully, I'd go off you.
I know that's blunt but I couldn't cope with it.

OCD. please check out relationship OCD. Seeking reassurance is the worst thing you can do.

I am surprised he’s still with you.
This would be the end of the relationship for me.

If you’re not happy or you think he’s not happy, then leave.

If not, then stop going on at him because if you carry on like this you are going to push him away.

Nah.

OP has dismissed the thread 🥴

He's not dismissing you. He's already answered and doesn't want to keep repeating the same thing by the sound of it.

He mightn't be going off you, but if you continue on the way you are then he will. You need to seek counseling for your insecurities. It's not his job to constantly reassure you. And it is actually very insulting to him to constantly accuse him of lying to you.
If he were my son I'd be very wary of how much pressure you're putting on him.
I guess your reaction is self preservation. But it's also self sabotage. He might be perfectly happy, but that won't last if you keep carrying on like this. And by carrying on like this you are guaranteeing that he will eventually end the relationship. Therefore proving you right!
It doesn't have to be like this. Work through your own issues or every relationship you have will follow the same pattern.