Trigger warning as this mentions a pedophile

[Solarus]

Trigger warning as this mentions a pedophile
This is a true ongoing case. Posted on behalf of a person involved who wishes to remain anonymous.
I will not say as to which side of this case they belong.

Please note that this has been extremely simplified, but the person involved would like unbiased opinions on who is making the right and/or wrong choice.

Real names have not been used, below you will see code names.

Mother (M)
Daughter (DD)
Mothers Best Friend (MBF)
Best Friends Husband (BFH)

Things to take into consideration.

Mum and best friend are very close and have been friends for many years (before best friend met husband).

Mum is a single mum to a young girl and older boy.

Best friend's husband would baby sit while mum had a break from the children and spent some time with best friend.

Last year, (DD) of 4 years old told her (M) something that was not right.
(M) acted upon what she was told and got to the truth.

The truth was that her (BFH) has done unspeakable things to her 4yo (DD).

When confronted the (BFH) admitted he had done wrong, so whilst the (M) made the call to the police, the (BFH) went and handed himself in.

Initially (MBF) was just as upset and angry as everyone else.

However after a few months things change and the (MBF) decides to stand by her husband believing he is just sick and will get better.

(M) had to cut contact with (MBF) in the best interests and safety of her (DD).

The questions here in all of this, although broken down and very simplified, is the (MBF) making the right choice risking her whole future, friends and family for her husband knowing everything he did?

Has the (M) done the right thing cutting off the (MBF)?

Please also note the police have and still are dealing with all of this. The victims' family are getting all the care and support they need and are doing well.

Mothers best friend knows her husband is a paedophile and is sticking my him. She's just as bad. Mother absolutely did the right thing cutting contact.

You did the right thing in cutting off contact with your friend. Hopefully she'll realise she's being a fool soon. But you don't have to see her again.

In answer to your first question, the mother is absolutely right to cut all ties to her BF all the time her BF is choosing to stay with the perpetrator of DD’s abuse. Given the DD is so young, to do anything else would be giving her daughter the message that she accepts BF appearing to condone BFH’s abuse. As adults, we may be able to acknowledge that BF standing by her husband does not necessarily mean she condones his child molestation (BF may believe he is truly remorseful and willing to risk he will never do it again) but to the child, her mother continuing to have contact with BF while she is still in a relationship with her abuser would be extremely confusing and might appear to be her mother condoning the abuse she suffered. Furthermore, if my daughter had been molested by BFH, however remorseful he might be and however sorry I felt for my BF, (who I assume had no reason to suspect her husband was a paedophile prior to his molestation being discovered) I don’t think I would be able to be in contact with BF if she continued to be in a relationship with him. I certainly could not stand to see BFH ever again, (other than in court) not least because if I did I am sure I would want to kill him (however wrong this might be).

The answer to your second question is far less clear. I think it’s easy for people who’ve never been involved in situations involving child abuse to see things in black and white and say things like, “I would never stay with a man who admitted child abuse.” It’s far harder to be so dogmatic when you are actually in the situation yourself. It’s similar in some ways to how others outside the situation view victims of domestic violence and say things like, “I’d never stay with a man who hit me.” The reality is, many women forgive their partners for unspeakable violence many times over, even when this is impacting on their children.

It is extremely hard to walk away from someone you have loved and been married to for years and have seen a very different side to them. Human nature makes us want to continue believing in our original feelings for someone long after we’ve found out they are actually capable of and have carried out heinous acts. You only have to look at the statements of disbelief made by friends and colleagues of Lucy Letby (the nurse who was recently found guilty of multiple murders of babies in her care) to see how hard it is for humans to accept facts that oppose the image they hold of someone they’ve known, liked/loved and trusted for years.

If you read accounts of survivors of child abuse, there are myriad accounts of mothers who have disbelieved their own child when they have disclosed their father is abusing them and these women have stayed with their husbands - allowing the abuse to continue. This demonstrates the power of human nature to want to hang onto our original perception of someone and to doubt or excuse anything that contradicts this.

I personally know of one woman (the mother of a close friend of mine) who stayed with her husband after he was convicted of sexually abusing her daughter (his stepdaughter) when she was only 12 years old. My friend finally went to the police years later when she became a mother herself and was worried about him molesting her children. The police investigation revealed he had in fact molested my friend and her older step-sister as well as two younger unrelated children. The stepfather served 8 years in prison for his crimes and the wife visited him throughout and took him back into her home when he was released, even though this meant she was no longer allowed to have visits from her young grandchildren and her relationship with her daughter was stretched to breaking point. She just kept telling my friend ‘He’s been punished enough’ and saying that she didn’t understand why the daughter couldn’t ’forgive and forget’ or why the grandchildren were not allowed to visit their house when he’d promised he would never do anything like that again. She was even deluded enough to pester my friend to allow the grandchildren to come for sleepovers, despite his probation officer repeatedly explaining this was not allowed.

I’m telling you all this to try and give some understanding of the POV of the BF. She will no doubt be struggling with her repugnance of his acts but desperate to cling onto her belief in the sort of person she thought he was prior to finding this out. She will want to believe his excuses, remorse and probable protestations he will NEVER do this again and may even be feeling guilty that she is in some way complicit in his actions. Just as victims of DV are often made to feel they are in some way to blame for their partner losing control and lashing out, it is not unknown for wives of molesters to feel guilt that either they should have realised or, more commonly, they were not giving their partner enough s@x and this was the trigger to the desire to molest a child. BTW, I am NOT for one minute suggesting it is the BF’s fault (unless she had reason to suspect her husband), but that these feelings of guilt are common among wives and partners of abusers.

If the BF still wants to stand by her husband, she needs to know that the chances of him reoffending are quite high. According to solicitors Ridley & Hall, “It can be difficult to gather reliable data on how many people convicted of child sexual abuse go on to reoffend, but one study found 18% of men convicted of sex offences against children under 13 were reconvicted [10], and another found that the figure was higher, at 35% [11].

There are also many ramifications for the BF if she stays with her husband. Firstly, from what you’ve written about the seriousness of the abuse and his own admission of guilt, it is very likely he will go to prison and she will have to cope with all the difficulties of being a prisoner’s wife for a considerable time with very little support from friends and family who will probably not want to have anything to do with her if she is supporting him. She will be either pitied, mocked or scorned and will probably have to move to a new area. When he is released, there are many further ramifications, including lots of involvement from social services if they have children, her being prevented from certain jobs (by association) and having to be constantly on guard if they are in contact with children that he must not be left alone with a child. Once he is released, his address may be made known to a variety of agencies (under Sarah’s law) and there is always the risk of this being made public. The organisation ‘Unlock’ has a good article about all the consequences of being in a relationship with someone convicted of child abuse.

I work in prison and sometimes have to supervise sex offenders. Most have wives and girlfriends that stand by them.

Shes a fool and a paedophile sympathiser. You’ve done right op.

You're absolutely right and don't need to doubt your decision. She's basically minimising what happened to your daughter, or saying she's willing to turn a blind eye to it. So her wellbeing and entire childhood doesn't matter at all and she will happily stay with a terrible man.

She obviously has very low self esteem and doesn't want to be alone, or worse is a nasty piece of work herself and doesn't really find it all that concerning.

It says a lot about you that you're still thinking of her after all this as many wouldn't have given this a second thought and rightly so. I hope your daughter is okay and is able to move on from this without permanent damage.

I'm so so sorry you are going through this. I was your DD in this situation. It was my aunts boyfriend. With a lot of love, kindness, care and understanding your DD will be fine. My mother blamed herself but I don't, an evil person entered our lives. You need to take care of yourself and be kind to yourself so you can mind your little girl.

I gathered you may have been the mother, not that your post was worded in any way, but I couldn't imagine a Paedophiles partner ever posting here thinking they'd get any understanding because she's way out of order for staying with him.

Your ex best friend is absolutely the worst kind of person to stay with her partner.

You know what happened, and so does she. Not only does she know the details, she knows the small child that he did these things to.
This isn't a nameless 2dimensional story from the past that makes it a removed situation.

This was her best friends small child.
He would have been offering to babysit, sending her off out with her friend, so he could abuse your DD.
How can she ever feel anything but disgust for him?
Not even disgusted that the hands that touch her body, were the same hands that had hours before touched a child?

Please don't give her, or getting her away from him even a second thought.

She's as much of a disgusting person as he is.

I am shocked that she can forgive him so easily, I struggle with the notion of forgiving a paedophile for abusing any child, let alone one I'd have been close to myself.

Is DD receiving art or play therapy? I think it really helped me.
I hope you're both OK. Please don't let either of these people take another moments peace from you

Not for me. I truly mean it and I also don't align victims of domestic violence with women choosing to stay with a support a child molester.

The mum did the right thing.

the mum’s best friend… not, it isn’t right (obviously). And she will have to deal with the consequences. It’s possible that she’ll change her mind when he’s actually sentenced.

Of course M has done the right thing cutting off her BF. To be honest her BF is as sick and twisted as her BFH for standing by him. If she hasn’t hoofed him to the kerb then in my eyes she agrees with it and nothing will change my mind on that.

No MBF is an incredibly shit person to essentially pick supporting her child abusing husband over supporting her friend whose child he abused. She should be prepared to be a prosecution witness in court if needs be not stand by him. To be honest she deserves to the ostracisation that she is no doubt going to get.

Am I missing something here: how could anyone even query this? Should the mother of a child who has been molested stay friends with the molesters' wife, even though she is stick by him? Is that what's being asked? Not being goady but that's how I read it and I cannot fathom how anyone would need this to be clarified.

No! The answer is, OF COURSE(!), no.

@fatphalange to clarify, I do not align victims of domestic violence with women choosing to stay with a support a child molester either. What I was trying to say was, that it's easy for others to say what they definitely would or wouldn't do when they have never been in the situation themselves (be that as a victim of DV or the wife of a child molester).

It is clear from what @Copperkryten said (having worked in prisons and seen this first hand), 'Most [sex offenders] have wives and girlfriends that stand by them.'

However much the majority of the posters on Mumsnet tell the OP that they would never stay with their husband if they found out he had molested a child, the reality is that most wives and girlfriends do stay with their paedophile partners. I am NOT saying it's right for them to do that, just pointing out the reality.

I happen to agree with the OP that her BF is probably being duped by an odious and manipulative man (the molester) who knows full well that he will have a far easier time of it if she stands by him. If he was truly sorry and really loved his wife, he would not want to put her through the ordeal of being a paedophile prisoner's wife, despised by former friends and family, with all the awful additional consequences she will have to face when he is finally released.

I dont see how M can be friends with her former best friend any longer. But I am not going to pass judgement on her best friends choice as I dont believe anyone else has the right. She has made her choice for her own reasons, and it is not an unusual one. She will obviously have consequences from it. And will have to pay those.

@Solarus first I want to thank you for your bravery in speaking out about what must be one of the worst things a parent can go through. The fact you have immediately believed, supported and protected your daughter is absolutely the best possible thing you can do and will undoubtedly lead to her healing. The importance of this message being heard loud and clear cannot be underestimated.

Secondly, I think you are 100% correct that your BF is probably being manipulated by an odious and duplicitous man (the molester) who knows full well that he will have a far easier time of it if she stands by him (before, during and after court proceedings). I hope the two sites I linked to earlier might make your bf stop and take note - particularly the recidivism rate for convicted child molesters and and lifelong consequences for them and anyone who lives with them.

If he was truly sorry and really loved his wife, BFH would not want to put her through the ordeal of being a paedophile prisoner's wife, despised by former friends and family with all the awful consequences she will have to face when he is finally released. The fact that even in your distress for your daughter you want to help her see that makes you a hero in my eyes.

After reading your update you clearly are a compassionate individual who cares about her best friend. Regardless of whether he's manipulating her, your concern is DD. And if she's so willing to forgive him, it would make me wonder if she had an inkling or potentially knew.

Terrible situation but agree with the others, sever that tie. Hope you're okay.

Ok then but you're assuming that others don't know what they're talking about, then. Lots of people form opinions based on their own experiences and can firmly and confidently say that they would not stay with a paedophile or even spit on the fucker.

He's not sick. He made choices to benefit his own sexual gratification.

His wife is not being manipulated. She has made choices to benefit herself as she had chosen whatever it is he brings to their relationship as more important.

Op, you have done absolutely the right thing here. Whoever you thought your best friend was, she isn't. Grieve the friendship you had, but don't mistake it for anything that could be regained. Your friend doesn't need saving from this man, she is not a victim. Save your strength for yourself and your daughter. You sound like a wonderful DM.

Speak for yourself, not others here. I would AND HAVE cut nonces out of my life without a second thought. Not everyone is so desperate to have a man in their life, they’ll sell their soul for a child abusing, scummy, pervert.

I don't even understand the question. Is she right for cutting off a friend who is standing by a paedo husband, who abused her own DD? Well obviously she is, who in a million years would say otherwise?

To everyone questioning why you would even ask this, when you're an outsider it's easy to see things clearly, but when you're actually in the situation and you've had to turned your back on someone you've cared deeply about for a lot of your life, you're going to feel guilty about it. It's natural to seek affirmation that you've done the right thing. I've known by best friend for over 40 years, she's been closer than family at times. It would be a hell of a blow to walk away from her.

OP, you have absolutely made the right decision. I'm so sorry someone you held dear has made such an appalling decision as to stand by your child's abuser. Your child comes first. Your best friend is and adult and will have to suffer the consequences of her own decision. She has crossed a line that it will be very hard to come back from. I don't think I could go back to being friends with her again even if she changed her mind now. Focus on your daughter.

I don't understand why your asking it's obvious what any right minded person would do ....is the wife being abused too? He's obviously a manipulative man who knew he had been caught so is trying to reduce the consequences by confession and claiming an illness.

I know a paedophile from Hitchin. His looking at pics of 12 year old girls wasn't deemed 'bad enough ' by the police so all he had to do was attend some meetings as some sort of therapy with other nonces and having to 'check in' with the police every so often. His girlfriend is very early 20s and he is mid 30s.Disgusting how people stick by them.
She did the right thing cutting off her friend.

It sounds unbelievable but there are people who utterly hammer you for deciding to leave someone for sex offences involving children. I was accused of being disloyal, not supporting him, breaking my family up and also that if he'd been happy and getting enough attention from me he wouldn't have had to "look elsewhere". Others were shocked that I kicked him out immediately rather than waiting for him to be convicted (he wasn't in the end due to evidence issues). You actually need to be very strong to kick them to the kerb and mean it. And all while your life as you knew it is evaporating before your eyes. This doesn't make the actions of the friend in this scenario ok, just that maybe in time she will come to her senses. In the meantime M is justified in doing whatever is necessary to protect her DD.