Trigger warning as this mentions a pedophile

[Solarus]

Trigger warning as this mentions a pedophile
This is a true ongoing case. Posted on behalf of a person involved who wishes to remain anonymous.
I will not say as to which side of this case they belong.

Please note that this has been extremely simplified, but the person involved would like unbiased opinions on who is making the right and/or wrong choice.

Real names have not been used, below you will see code names.

Mother (M)
Daughter (DD)
Mothers Best Friend (MBF)
Best Friends Husband (BFH)

Things to take into consideration.

Mum and best friend are very close and have been friends for many years (before best friend met husband).

Mum is a single mum to a young girl and older boy.

Best friend's husband would baby sit while mum had a break from the children and spent some time with best friend.

Last year, (DD) of 4 years old told her (M) something that was not right.
(M) acted upon what she was told and got to the truth.

The truth was that her (BFH) has done unspeakable things to her 4yo (DD).

When confronted the (BFH) admitted he had done wrong, so whilst the (M) made the call to the police, the (BFH) went and handed himself in.

Initially (MBF) was just as upset and angry as everyone else.

However after a few months things change and the (MBF) decides to stand by her husband believing he is just sick and will get better.

(M) had to cut contact with (MBF) in the best interests and safety of her (DD).

The questions here in all of this, although broken down and very simplified, is the (MBF) making the right choice risking her whole future, friends and family for her husband knowing everything he did?

Has the (M) done the right thing cutting off the (MBF)?

Please also note the police have and still are dealing with all of this. The victims' family are getting all the care and support they need and are doing well.

Honestly I can’t fathom why you would be posting this and who you are posting it on behalf of. I think you know of this situation and have some kind of sick desire to discuss it.

The mother cannot be questioning her decision to cut the friend off for staying with a man who attacked her DD. There is just no way that’s what she would be concerned about.

The best friend is sticking by and supporting a paedophile. Why would anyone want to post on her behalf? Why would anyone want to speak to her again?

@Stayanotherway i get what you're saying, but in the case of my friend's 'mum friend' i just posted about, the mum friend kept on and on trying to contact my mate, and the other mums and dads at the BBQ and asking for support AND lobbying them for sympathy for her husband. Even though she acknowledged his guilt! She didn't just sink quietly away. She would stand and cry in front of them.

There was one occasion when my mate said to me ''I'm not going mad am i Laiste? You wouldn't speak to her again either would you!?'' and of course i said no i wouldn't.

Sometimes when these things happen irl it rattles your brain so much you go can't think straight! Maybe the OP just needs a bit of support.

The best Friend is a pedo sympathiser. She's as sick as he is.

M has absolutely done the right thing cutting off her deluded friend. MBF is being an idiot sticking by her husband who has essentially admitted to sexually abusing a child.

Unfortunately, it's not at all an unusual scenario. Actually, it's happened twice to two different couples in my family. The husband has sexually abused a family member and the wife has stood by him, even though it has meant losing friends and mostly significantly, their own children and grandchildren who have completely cut contact with the both of them. For some women, their whole self-worth comes from having a man, even if that man has done something shameful and it's meant they've lost everyone close to them. They would rather go down in flames together and not be alone than to stand up for their values and do the right thing by the people closest to them, especially the people they love who have been abused.

That said, I think you are picking up on something important here, which is that as much as people say in the abstract that they would cut someone like this off, in real life, people quite often don't. Having cut the people above mentioned out of my life to keep my children safe, you don't know how many times people have said the exact same things to me. Don't you just want to forgive them? I'm sure it didn't really happen like that? He surely wouldn't do it again now he's been caught once, right? You only get one best friend, grandmother, mother, father, brother, whatever, so you just need to forgive and move on. Jesus would forgive them, right? (Yes, someone actually said that to me, I'm not even Christian!). There is a lot of sympathising with abusers in the real world that isn't reflected in the discourse you see on MN.

OK, so let me just be honest.
I am the Mother.
I originally posted as an anonymous person due to not wanting people to know if i was the mother or best friend, although i see now it would not really have mattered as all the responses are exactly as as i felt they would be.

First and foremost I have protected my DD to the best of my ability, my number one priority. She is safe and we have an amazing support network and professional teams working with us.

I 100% believe my former best friend is and continually is being manipulated by the husband to stay with him and stand by him, she is completely blinded and her emotions being worked on.
None of her family or other friends can get through to her how bad her choice is to stay with him. Its like none of us are making sense.
I thought maybe hearing public comments from unbiased people would/could still get through to her. I sincerely hope she can save herself from a life of misery.

Thank you all for your opinions and kind words <3

The questions here in all of this, although broken down and very simplified, is the (MBF) making the right choice risking her whole future, friends and family for her husband knowing everything he did?

Has the (M) done the right thing cutting off the (MBF)?

Why are these even questions? No the MBF is not doing the right thing, and Yes, the M has done the right thing.

The peedo's wife is wrong to stand by him
The best friend of the peedo's wife is right to cut them off. Obviously.

M is right. MBF is deluded. Who the hell sticks by a person like that? He will never change, hope he's in prison but knowing the UK's legal system will probably get a slap on the wrist.

I don't really buy the whole she's being manipulated narrative. This is no grey area. This is a clear cut case of right and wrong if ever there was one.
The unsavoury truth is that she is either complicit or thinks it's no big deal. Unless there is something you haven't mentioned such as brain injury/some other event which means your friend's comprehension has been compromised.

While obviously I don't agree with the actions of the best friend:

She thought she was in love and loved back by a high quality man. Actually this relationship doesn't exist at all and she was groomed by him, and then so was the mum to allow him to have access to children. In fact he probably picked her as he realised she was in some way vulnerable.

It is likely he hasn't told her the truth.

As he still has access to her, he can carry on his grooming and making shit up about how he was depressed etc etc.

These people are very very manipulative, for them it's just like breathing. It takes a lot to accept your entire life is a lie.

I did think you might be the mother.

First of all, I am so, so sorry that you’re going through this. I can’t begin to imagine how hard this must be. I’m so glad your DD was able to tell you what had happened to her and that she’s getting the help she needs. You sound like a brilliant mum. You’ve done everything right.

The fact that your friend is choosing to stay with her husband must in incredibly upsetting. I’m sure you’re right that he is manipulating her, but she has the ultimate responsibility for her own choice. He ADMITTED what he had done. It’s not as if there’s any doubt here, and it’s not a “one person’s word against another’s” case. If he was vehemently denying it and his defence team were building evidence in his favour, I can see that she might be convinced of his innocence and stay with him on that basis. But there is absolutely no excuse for staying with someone when you KNOW they have sexually abused a child.

I think you are absolutely right that she will end up isolated from everyone. Her life will be hugely impacted on a social and practical level by having a partner who a) might go to prison and b) will be on the sex offender’s register when he comes out. Nobody is going to want to go near her. It’s incredibly and I’d be devastated and worried for her safety if it was one of my friends. But the sad fact is that she is she has made this choice for herself and she has betrayed you by doing so. She doesn’t deserve your sympathy.

If she hadn't have cut ties I would assume social services would potentially be involved suggesting she wasn't safeguarding her child. As a parent i'd not want any contact with someone who minimised harm to my child by calling it an illness.

I also assume MBF doesn't have children? As I would assume(hope!) social services would insist on him having no contact.

Tbh, he abused your child and she has entertained the idea of staying with him. Of course it's understandable that you can no longer be in touch with her.

Focus on you and your child and stay away from those conversations. If someone is not so repulsed by his behaviour as to cut contact and seek therapy for the trauma of having been in an intimate relationship with him before she knew he was a monster then there is nothing you can do.

Persuading her to see sense and leave him when you probably cant heal your own relationship from this is a hiding to nothing. I cant see that you will be friends with her again, as you've said you're no contact, so save your energy.

In a way, I sort of see why she is digging in now, its because now she has shown herself as a sympathiser, so a lot of people will see her in a different light so her support network is likely to have gotten a lot smaller since her decision. She too far gone.

It is likely he hasn't told her the truth.

This man admitted sexually abusing her best friend’s child. She isn’t under the impression that he is innocent - she accepts that he is guilty and is now talking about him ‘getting better’ from his paedophilia. There is literally no lie that he could have told her - not one - that would justify her decision to stay with him. It doesn’t matter what reason he has given her for his decision to sexually abuse a tiny child, because there is no possible reason that would make it anything other than abhorrent.

Unless youre the best friend who sticking by the nonce I don’t understand why this has been posted. Any person on the planet would know who’s wrong and right here.

You need to ask if it's normal to cut contact with a nonce? Of course it is

As a mother of a 4 year old girl myself, this story is unthinkable. After restraining myself from killing him, I would do everything and anything in my power to ensure he was locked away for as long as possible and never had the chance at having a normal life with any joy ever again. As for someone who stands by a monster who could do something so disgusting, cutting contact is the least a mother could be expected to do. In my mind there is nothing he could say or do that would warrant any forgiveness. Standing by a creature like that feels almost criminal in itself, even more so (if it's possible) when you know the victim. I hope that little girl gets therapy, love and support for the rest of her life and I hope the mother finds a way to live with it.

I think you should forget about your friend. There are others around her who can support her if need be. Your daughter should get all your focus and im so sorry what happened.

I'm sorry you and your DD had to go through this. You can't be her friend. I would be very worried for her safety and what is happening to her behind closed doors though.

Can you signpost her to eg Women's Aid?

Mbf is right to an agree. He is sick and mentally ill. No sane person would do that and she probably feels she has to rescue him. Thats human nature to a degree.

She also did tbe right thing and supported you in reporting

She is in shock and is grieving for the man she knew and loves

You are right to distance yourself ..

I would personally keep the door open to her in the future but tell her that it would send a terrible message to your children but in the future if she is no longer with him you would welcome her back woth open arms and remjnd her how much you love her

Why on earth are you even asking this?

Not enough information here, and I don't think the right way to analyse a difficult ethical question is to post a cut-down story on AIBU.

But criminals of all types are rehabilitated, so it's possible that the friend is right to stick by her husband.

As someone who was abused at the same age, the best friend is a disgusting nonce apologist and the mum absolutely, 100% did the right thing - I wish I’d had such a great mum. I hope the poor little girl is getting all the help and support possible.

Mums best friend is a sicko and deserves all she gets for supporting a paedo.

Mother herself is of course in the right here.

Feel like this post is the mums best friend trying to justify herself. Messed up.