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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Newly diagnosed, husband not asked a thing about it

52 replies

flufalump · 04/02/2024 19:45

Hey, I am trying to judge if I am being silly or not for feeling upset.
I have been having tests for a couple of months and last week was diagnosed with endometriosis and adenmyosis. This is along side an anteriour and posterior prolapse that they have also found and discovering I am pretty anemic ( this all answers why I have been feeling pretty crap)…..
So I will be having a prolapse repair and a laparoscopy/ possible hysterectomy in the next few months.
I am not normally a moaner, I pull my weight with the house and kids, work full time, never take time off sick ( just setting the context that this isn't a case of oh here we go again with your moaning about being ill)

My husband has not asked me one thing about it, we had a conversation after the appointment and that was it. He hasn't asked how I'm feeling, if I'm ok, nothing. I whatappex him a couple of tictoks about it just to sort of prompt him maybe and he saw them but nothing back.
We normally have what I would consider a decent relationship so this has left me feeling a bit sad and tearful at the lack of care.
So am I being unreasonable to feel this way or do I just need to put my big girl pants on?

OP posts:
Romanempirethoughts · 04/02/2024 20:09

Sorry for your health concerns. It sounds like in going through this journey alone, you've come to realize your DH hasn't actually upheld his promise to love and honor you in SICKNESS and in health. I had similar last year and I had an honest conversation with DH that I wasn't sure I wanted to live the rest of my days with him as I wasn't convinced he'd uphold his vows, given he didn't do so at that given point in time. Fortunately it was an awakening for him. Hope you can move forward together and find better health

Original poster
flufalump · 04/02/2024 20:26

Yeah that's exactly how I feel, we have been married for 24 years. You would think he would have at least something to say/ask. It feels like he has made a point of NOT mentioning it

OP posts:
jannier · 04/02/2024 21:14

I'd say "can we talk about my diagnosis you haven't said anything since the appointment and I'm really struggling"

BCBird · 04/02/2024 21:20

Ciukd his lack of engagement be because he is worried? Doesn't know what to say? excuse I know. It would annoy me OP.

MCOut · 04/02/2024 21:20

Tell him how you feel OP. YANBU at all. Even if he doesn’t understand the ins and outs asking you how you are and how you feel is so so basic. I’m sorry you’re going through all this it sounds like a lot. I’m sorry you’re going through all this it sounds like a lot

Cazpar · 04/02/2024 21:24

I am not normally a moaner, I pull my weight with the house and kids, work full time, never take time off sick ( just setting the context that this isn't a case of oh here we go again with your moaning about being ill)

If you're the kind of person who puts up and gets on with things it's likely he's taking his cue from you on this.

Have you actually asked him to talk about it? Sending tiktoks on WhatsApp isn't constructive communication. Tell him how you feel, face to face.

Darkenergy · 04/02/2024 21:29

YANBU but until you have a conversation you're just guessing what's going on in his head. He might be struggling to know what to say. He might think talking will upset you more. He could be worried or in denial himself and not want to make it real by talking about it. Or he might not give a shit (but if you're normally good that's unlikely).

I'm not excusing him because his response has been crap but you can't know what to do or think until you talk to him.

FacingTheWall · 04/02/2024 21:33

Tbh in that situation I wouldn’t expect my Dh to start a conversation or ask how I was, any more often than he usually would. The dx doesn’t mean that your symptoms etc are any worse, and there’s nothing to talk about yet in terms of planning for recovery from surgery etc. Maybe if you usually just get on with things he thinks it’s just business as usual and that you’ll start a conversation if you want to discuss something?

Allthatwegotisthispalebluedot · 04/02/2024 21:37

Has he stepped up in other ways? I know mine would probably not sit about talking about my feelings but would move heaven and earth to make sure I was looked after and would probably be treating me like the queen/like I was made of glass/and making sure I didn’t have to lift a finger. Is that is what is happening or is he still expecting you to just carry on like normal?

Multipleexclamationmarks · 04/02/2024 21:43

What @Allthatwegotisthispalebluedot said.
I've just had surg. Thinking about it me and dh didn't discuss it once except for the practicalities, not my feelings/worries but he's shown me he loves me by taking care of me, doing all the everything, working more even so we don't miss my wage shortfall while still doing all the running around after me and the kids.
He's just not a talker, he's shown me what I mean though. I think as long as your dh is stepping up and looking after you, if he's not a talker let it be.

forcedfun · 04/02/2024 21:43

Allthatwegotisthispalebluedot · 04/02/2024 21:37

Has he stepped up in other ways? I know mine would probably not sit about talking about my feelings but would move heaven and earth to make sure I was looked after and would probably be treating me like the queen/like I was made of glass/and making sure I didn’t have to lift a finger. Is that is what is happening or is he still expecting you to just carry on like normal?

This. My husband isn't the best at talking about my feelings but he absolutely stepped up in lots of practical ways.

What we found helpful is couples counselling, we have it every month or so and have for years (it helps us navigate a blended family and difficult exes) and she helped by getting me to talk about how i was feeling but also articulating how his way of caring was to do lots of practical things to help

Original poster
flufalump · 04/02/2024 21:47

Allthatwegotisthispalebluedot · 04/02/2024 21:37

Has he stepped up in other ways? I know mine would probably not sit about talking about my feelings but would move heaven and earth to make sure I was looked after and would probably be treating me like the queen/like I was made of glass/and making sure I didn’t have to lift a finger. Is that is what is happening or is he still expecting you to just carry on like normal?

We are carrying on as normal. He is very good with pulling his weight and does half the house work/ school pick ups etc makes cups of tea and breakfast in bed. He is very good like that.
I suppose I have never been ‘ill’ before so I've not seen this side to him. We are both very much of the just crack on with things type so maybe it's me that is different this time? I am weepy, tearful and sad for some reason and I would have liked him to notice. It's odd, he will wash my car and make the dinner but cant say how are you feeling are you ok?

OP posts:
Rosesrosesroses · 04/02/2024 21:53

Sounds like he's more practical than emotional? Maybe he's trying to stay strong for you? Just start the conversation off. It's better than leaving it. You're going to need him for practical things anyway apart from emotional support. Just tell him. Don't shoulder it alone.

Isthisblocked · 04/02/2024 21:56

He has to process this news himself….. when I was diagnosed with breast cancer, my DH found it very difficult to talk about it, and when we eventually did, it was because his Instinct was to protect me, and he felt powerless. He struggled with these feelings within himself, of powerlessness and anger at this inability to protect me but couldn’t talk to me about them, because he felt that I had enough of a burden with the cancer diagnosis, and couldn’t possibly be burdened with his inner turmoil as well. My adult son felt the same but was able to speak to a close friend about his feelings. I think your husband may be feeling the same way. This is so difficult when you have so much to deal with yourself and need support, but try to understand and support him as well.

vincettenoir · 04/02/2024 21:59

Sorry about your diagnosis and all the best with the surgery.

I wouldn't see him not having any questions as a red flag. I guess he thinks you'll tell him what he needs to know. You might need to be specific with him about what you need, whether it's a cuddle or a hot water bottle or a chat or something else. Just take things day by day for the time being.

KeeeeeepDancing · 04/02/2024 22:03

Blimey thats a bit crap!
I think you need to ask him what he knows about what you have been going through and what's next medically for you.

He might be 'all at sea' and has no clue what to say.

Sparklesocks · 04/02/2024 22:06

That’s rubbish OP, I’m sorry.
Agree with others you need to be upfront and talk to him directly - ‘we haven’t discussed my diagnosis and I’d like to talk about it and how I’m feeling’ or along those lines. If he is having difficulty with it and his silence comes from anxiety, that will be his chance to tell you.

eggbot · 04/02/2024 22:07

If my dh sent me tik toks or WhatsApps I'd take it as a sign that he didn't want to talk about it

Gagaandgag · 04/02/2024 23:13

He sounds like my husband - excellent practically, not so much emotionally!

Noseybookworm · 04/02/2024 23:20

Tell him how you're feeling. He may be avoiding the subject so as not to upset you or he may not know what to say. He sounds like he is a good husband in lots of respects so I doubt he's being intentionally hurtful. Men are just generally crap at picking up how we're feeling!

Notthatcatagain · 04/02/2024 23:26

Normally you just crack on and don't make a fuss, now you've told him that you have a condition that he probably doesn't really understand and that you may need major surgery. It's my guess that he is at least as scared as you and possibly more so. Give him a bit of time to think it through, if he's always been a goodun he will get his head round it soon enough

Fluffywhitecloudsinthesky · 04/02/2024 23:30

I think he's unsure what to say and do, you will have to find a time to say 'love, I'm struggling, I'm a bit upset, can I have a hug' or whatever and open the conversation up. If he's usually quite good, it's unlikely he doesn't care, it's probably so big he is not sure what to say and do for the best and may have his own fears, so you talking to him will help.

moderationincludingmoderation · 04/02/2024 23:44

My DH is shit like this too.
We had row the other day about it. He ended up saying something about not being able to help or do anything to solve the issue so didn't know what to say, or didn't seem to think there was any point saying anything.

It didn't help but it was somewhat enlightening. I thought about how he is a 'fixer' and I think he struggles when he can't do that.

I explained that actually, just a hug and some interest in how I felt was actually really helpful.
He responded well but as usual, any change in behaviour was short lived!

Is your DH a 'fixer' type too? Could he be feeling helpless?

Also, this is definitely all more exaggerated when it is anything related to women's health. So backward!

moderationincludingmoderation · 04/02/2024 23:48

We are carrying on as normal. He is very good with pulling his weight and does half the house work/ school pick ups etc makes cups of tea and breakfast in bed. He is very good like that.
I suppose I have never been ‘ill’ before so I've not seen this side to him. We are both very much of the just crack on with things type so maybe it's me that is different this time? I am weepy, tearful and sad for some reason and I would have liked him to notice. It's odd, he will wash my car and make the dinner but cant say how are you feeling are you ok?

I've just seen this and could have written it myself. Our DH sound so similar. Their Love Language is Acts Of Service... sometimes we need a hug with the cup of tea!

TheSlantedOwl · 04/02/2024 23:51

Talk to him. Tell him how you feel and what you need.

He sounds terrified of emotion. It must be so disappointing for you.

Good luck with the op and take care of yourself @flufalump Brew