Newly diagnosed, husband not asked a thing about it

[flufalump]

Hey, I am trying to judge if I am being silly or not for feeling upset.
I have been having tests for a couple of months and last week was diagnosed with endometriosis and adenmyosis. This is along side an anteriour and posterior prolapse that they have also found and discovering I am pretty anemic ( this all answers why I have been feeling pretty crap)…..
So I will be having a prolapse repair and a laparoscopy/ possible hysterectomy in the next few months.
I am not normally a moaner, I pull my weight with the house and kids, work full time, never take time off sick ( just setting the context that this isn't a case of oh here we go again with your moaning about being ill)

My husband has not asked me one thing about it, we had a conversation after the appointment and that was it. He hasn't asked how I'm feeling, if I'm ok, nothing. I whatappex him a couple of tictoks about it just to sort of prompt him maybe and he saw them but nothing back.
We normally have what I would consider a decent relationship so this has left me feeling a bit sad and tearful at the lack of care.
So am I being unreasonable to feel this way or do I just need to put my big girl pants on?

Do you feel brave enough to ask him to go for couples counselling with you?

I totally understand what you mean OP.

My DH is a lot like this, I have a disability, we did discuss it when I was first dx, as it came as a bolt out of the blue, completely unexpected.

Now we rarely talk about it, if I do say I am struggling (and I am at the moment) he will say you’re alright etc. I know a lot of it is due to his fear, as my condition has noticeably declined, this was to be expected. I think he wants to stick his head in the sand maybe.

I hope you have supportive friends/family and healthcare professionals that can help support you.

Good luck going forward OP

I am sorry this must have come as a shock to you but it sounds like you'll be getting all the treatment you need. Maybe your husband doesn't know what to say or do. I don't think it means he doesn't care. My husband has a serious medical condition and doesn't like to talk about it which I respect. To be honest it upsets both of us if I do. I hope you're feeling better soon.

I wouldn’t expect my dh to ask anything else. Whats to ask? Apart from maybe when’s the op and what’s the expected recovery like. In my mind I would have a diagnosis and treatment plan which is the main thing and sounds like you explained after the apt. He’s probably the same. I can hear you are upset about it and want to talk about it which you are going to have to explain to him. If he’s not caring after the op that different

You say you had a conversation about it immediately after the appointment, and you're now just waiting for further treatment/surgery.

It sounds as if he thinks there's nothing else to say or do right now, especially if you're getting on with life as usual.

If you're feeling unhappy or emotional, you need to tell him and explain your emotions, he's not a mind-reader.

And I don't mean any of this unkindly at all. Sending him TikToks isn't really clear communication - maybe he doesn't really know why you've sent them, or that they need a response.

I think I might accidentally fall into doing the same as your DH in the mistaken belief that we'd discussed it, and with the intention that I'd be fully supporting you when you have the actual treatment/surgery.

You need to tell him how you're feeling and that you need a bit more TLC right now. If he's not more supportive/caring after you've clearly communicated this, then he's a bit of a dick. But I don't think you can say that just yet - he probably just doesn't realise.

Hope you start to feel better soon, it's a lot to take in.

I would imagine with these kind of health issues ,you must've been living with the symptoms and impact for quite some time and he must've been aware of these. Also that you've been waiting for this treatment plan for a while? It can feel lonely when loved ones don't respond as we hope but it you are largely a get on with it kind of person then I can see how he may not change how he's responding now. I would just begin to talk to him about how you feel and see if this opens up a dialogue . Hope it all goes well.

There’s something about going through things together- we don’t want to feel alone in it, we wants someone with us, someone who is also reading up on it, trying different things to see if they help, monitoring progress… just, going through it with us. A bit like being an involved dad during pregnancy.

DH had no interest at all, expected all that to be my business. It would have been nice to have someone to worry with, get excited with, share the reading….

I have a chronic illness and I don’t think he’s read a newspaper article, asked a question or anything. It’s lonely

This. Have you actually spoken to him? I'm hating this info sharing via tiktok culture, when people send a tik tok I generally assume its something lighthearted or daft, not something serious. And rarely actually view them, has he?

These emotionally stunted men drive me mad.

What is he like when he's ill? It's not clear from your posts whether he just cracks on, so expects you to be equally stoical, or whether he's a drama queen when he has a cold and isn't liking that you now need some support.

Could be worried about you and finances etc ..but my ex of 25 years never talked about my illnesses nor wanted to know more. I left printouts for him to read ..asked him to read, tried to talk, nothing. I think he didn't want to invest in understanding because he wanted me to carry on as before, he didnt want to do anymore, therefore understanding meant he would have to face doing more. It was laziness.

Has anything changed though? I mean a diagnosis is in fact a positive thing given that you can now have treatment.

Personally I’m the other way around. I can’t be doing with all this needing to know if I’m ok etc, if I’m not then I’ll say something.

I wouldn’t so much be thinking that he’s wrong for not asking why you’re not ok, but for wondering why the communication in your relationship is so crap that you don’t tell him how you feel and are communicating through tiktok.

This. My husband is similar in that he won’t talk about medicinal things with me, I think he just get overwhelmed and doesn’t know how to navigate it.

To get round it I just be really direct with him and tell him exactly how I want him to treat me eg check in with me each day or how to act when my illness is particularly bad. It worked and he knows how I want to be treated etc. I think it was just a confidence and “omg what do I do now kinda thing”

Lol if my DP sent me titktoks I’d be rolling my eyes because he was on there in the first place.

This is like my DH. A man of few words. When I had cancer a few years ago he was there at all of my appointments but still rarely asked me how I was. I am still a bit resentful now, tbh. Would bring me food, did the housework and looked after the kids, but not a lot going on to support me. Still won’t really let me mention anything now.

Thanks, everyone, it's helpful to hear some different perspectives.
He had become booked us a lovely weekend away so we can talk about it then when Im not so emotional and teary.

Some men just don't do emotional stuff.

A friend went into hospital for a few days for a minor op. Was a bit disappointed that her DH hadn't appeared with armfuls of flowers etc., when he came to visit, but when she got home she found he had changed the bedding that morning, so she was getting into a nice fresh bed and he had been batch cooking and making soup. She said on balance, although the flowers would have been nice, the soup and food lasted longer and were made with love.

Was the weekend away a surprise? He sounds like a lovely dh - bit disappointing that so many posters have piled on to say he’s a shit because he doesn’t sound like one to me.

That's lovely - sounds like he really went to a lot of effort. We're all different and times like this can really show those differences between men and women. On balance, I think your friend has bagged a good one.

I was diagnosed with some autoimmune diseases a decade ago and tbh my DH didn't ask about them at all, unless something cropped up. Like when I started crying bright yellow tears, he asked why. I told him it was a common side effect of the medication and he was like " oh ok". It's not that he doesn't care, he's just not the sort of man that needs details. But he absolutely IS the sort of man that when I say I'm sick and not up to doing * or this and that, he will ask e what I need him to do to make my life and recovery easier. If I say "I need you to take time off work" he will 100% do it without quibble as I know how important to him e and his family are.

I was recently diagnosed with sleep apnea after 20 years of him calling me his Sexy Diesel Engine as I snore so badly. I told him what it was when I had the sleep study and he asked about treatment and that was that. I didn't have to ask him to come with me to the CPAP set up , I knew he would as I have ( had ) a terrible phobia of having anything on my face . He held my hand ask the way through it and tells me every single morning how proud of me hood is that I've over come my fear and now it's silent me complaining about him being a diesel engine.

Basically, he's not the researcher in the relationship. I am. He takes things very much at face value and will only worry if he sees that I'm worried. At times it can seem really hurtful, but that's not how he means it. But after years of struggling about a health issue and often feeling fibbed off, you DO sometimes want your DH to take an interest and be able to talk about it. So I just talk about it, I know he loves me and cares, he prices it every day. He can just be a bit too " face value " about things.

Life is too short to waste it with empathy-void people, LTB

Yes, it is lonely. And I'm not buying that men just don't realise we need support/are scared of emotion or any other 'explanation' that lets them off the hook. I think the hard truth is that many men think caring is a one way street, something that is given to them and never expected from them.

My DH had a major illness and it was just taken as read that wives would attend their appointments and consultations, and be actively involved in their care. Men, on the other hand, don't seem to feel obliged to take the slightest interest in their wives' health issues. One bloke I know went on an optional business trip on the day his wife was having surgery for breast cancer. The most obvious explanation is that society lets them get away with being utterly self centred.

He’s probably just taking it all in and possibly not sure how to start the conversation. Maybe he thinks you’re already overwhelmed and need some space..

by the way I have both the diseases too and extensive treatment 14 years ago. Feel free to pm me xx

How weird from a "husband". Sorry OP, hopefully you get better soon.

The fact he's booked a weekend away, just to have some space and support you, is lovely, OP. Plus he's good at the practical stuff which will pay dividends when you get tired and find the treatment difficult, plus after surgery. That is so valuable, a lot of men are crap at that. He sounds like he does want to support you, so don't be afraid to let him see you are upset, but also know he's there (he sounds it to me) for you.

@Mainats I agree, a lot of men are so terrible at supporting their wives, and even leave them when they get ill more frequently than women leave their husbands. Awful.

I don't think that's what's happening here, though, it can take time to start up those conversations. My husband was very very ill and I found it hard to speak about the terminal side of things, it only came up occasionally and in odd places (like on the bus!) You just have to spend a lot of time together, and also seek support for both of you outside the family, so wider family network, friends, hobbies, as it's usually too much for one person to bear, especially if they are also holding the fort on the practical/running the house side as well. The fact the husband has booked a weekend away is sensitive and sensible, I've a feeling they'll be ok.